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As I posted a few posts ago, in December we did our first round of IUI. While we were hoping for the best, we prepared ourselves to have to go through at least two rounds of IUI before becoming pregnant. Well, the day before Christmas Eve I decided to test one day early and low and behold we got a positive pregnancy test. We were completely over the moon and totally excited for this new special beginning. I mean really, what a awesome Christmas present, right?!
Fast forward two weeks and we went in for our first ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck, really. I was shaking while we waited for the doctor to come in and let us see our new miracles heartbeat. There was no heartbeat that day. We hoped for the best and thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as far along as we thought I was. Maybe my smaller egg released late and then implanted late and threw me off a few days. It was possible. The doctor said to wait 10 days and then come back and see if there was any growth.
Ten days after the first ultrasound we again were nervous wrecks as we waited for the second ultrasound. This time there was growth, but still no heartbeat. Once again the doctor told us to wait and come back. She said that most doctors would say miscarriage at that point, but she wasn't ready to give up on this new little one just yet.
Today we headed in for our third ultrasound. This time, no growth and still no heartbeat. Miscarriage. Really?! I mean really, God?! I am the statistic that women have nightmares about:
Primary Infertility
High Risk Pregnancy
Son born with a birth defect
Death of a Child
Secondary Infertility
Miscarriage
The doctor chalked this miscarriage up to bad luck, "after all 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, you know. It's natures way of weeding out the bad. Most women go through this sort of thing. Your not alone."
Why do people feel the need to say these sort of things? I mean really, like those statements help at all. I am very aware of the statistics, I am the reason for statistics.
I wasn't ready to share all of this until we knew for sure what was going to happen. I never felt 'right' about this pregnancy, so I guess the miscarriage news isn't so surprising or upsetting shocking is the word I was looking for. This is so upsetting, I simply can't believe we have to go through this. When, WHEN will we have our rainbow?!?! I have been preparing myself for this news since before we even got pregnant. We have the worst luck in the world, after all. CDH (what MJ was born with) has no cause, its simply bad luck. This miscarriage, again, its simply bad luck.
This baby was due September 4, 2011. I should be 9 weeks pregnant and 1 day, instead my body should miscarry in the next two weeks, and if not, then I will have to have a D&C. Knowing my luck, that will happen and I will be the one in a million women that actually become sterile after having a D&C.
Seriously, though, we hope to try IUI again as soon as we can. Most likely that will be in 2-3 months, depending on how fast I miscarry and how fast my pregnancy hormones come down.
This baby will forever be missed and I only hope that MJ is playing with his little brother/sister in Heaven. Knowing I have two babies in Heaven comforts me in a way. They will not be alone, and have each other until we will meet again.
Baby Skaggs #3 I will always love and remember you. I wish you were with me here on Earth and we were rejoicing over good news today. My little bean, I miss you so much.
Almost 7 years...
8 years ago
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