The Twin Thing

I've been having a hard time lately with the twin thing. For some reason it's been thrown in my face a lot, lately. Mostly inadverntly in ways that shouldn't really bother me, but they do. A lot. I don't know why I didn't get to keep both of my twins and I just hate it. Will is SO amazing and I swear I love that kid more each day, which doesn't seem possible today, but tomorrow it will.

Why didn't I get to keep both? Why didn't I get my miracle? Why can't I be the one shouting out praise for the Lord's miracles? I am angry and bitter today. I hate this feeling. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to only have a taste of what its like to have twins.

And that taste was so sweet, and so amazing. I want it back. I want him back. I want them both. I feel like I am a little kid kicking and screaming today because I just want. them. both.

WHY WHY WHY WHY did he have to die?

MJ's Video

I've once again updated the video I made for MJ. Here it is in case anyone wants to see it.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-YwlaBe63s&feature=youtu.be

CDH Awareness Day

Tomorrow we wear Turquoise. It is Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH) Awareness Day. MJ was born with CDH. In case you are not aware, CDH occurs when the diaphragm does not fully form, leaving a hole in the muscle that is supposed to seperate the stomach organs from the chest cavity. Due to this hole, the stomach organs then migrate and grow in the chest cavitity, and severely hinder lung and heart development. Here is a diagram to visually explain.

You can see that the left lung is underdeveloped squished due to the organs being in the chest cavity. (This picture also links to further details on CDH).

If you can, please wear turquoise tomorrow. I know its Easter Sunday, but just a little bit would mean a lot! To me, CDH Awareness Day is a day for MJ. To celebrate and remember his life. To be honest, it is kind of similar to his birthday to Willie and I. Mostly because since MJ is a twin, their birthday has to be for Will. It's just not fair to Will to treat it any other way.

July 25, 2009 I delivered two amazing sons. But we only celebrate with one, because it is not fair to let Will's birthday be marred with sadness because MJ isn't there. Don't get me wrong, in the quiet of the morning and the still of the night, I weep. But that day, and that party I smile and celebrate Will's life. So March 31 is a day for MJ. Along with August 29, the day MJ died. And October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. He deserves some special days, too- you know?

MJ lived for 35 days, so I think that three days out of the year that are 'his' are more than okay. I know my baby loss mommas get this. And I sadly know that sometimes not even family try to understand. So to honor and remember my amazing little boy who fought harder and braver than I thought possible, I WEAR TURQUOISE.