So it's been FOREVER since I've blogged. Not that I haven't wanted to, just that there's been so much going on that I've not really known how to include it in this blog. I've always considered this blog MJ's, so to write about anything else just felt out of place.
So here's whats been going on since I last updated about me. We miscarried in late January/beginning of February. It was the miscarriage that wouldn't end, and I had to have a D&C. It was horrible. Painful, both emotionally and physically. We gave it the mandatory two cycles until we started trying again. (Although I will admit, we tried, just without any fertility medicine help.) Our first cycle back, we did IUI again. We found out that indeed we were pregnant, the IUI worked, on Friday the 13th of May. I laughed. I couldn't believe that after all we had been through, our first cycle back we conceived again. Two weeks later was our big ultrasound (the same ultrasound that last time there was no heartbeat). I expected to see more of the same, but this time it was different. There was one beautiful heartbeat on the screen. Everything was just as it should be. A few weeks later I stopped taking the progesterone that the last time, kept my body from miscarrying. I waited for the bleeding to start, but it never did. The next doctor appointment a few weeks later, I waited for us not to be able to hear a heartbeat on the doppler (we didn't have an ultrasound scheduled). We heard it. A few weeks later, at our ultrasound appointment I waited for them to tell us that this baby would have CDH, just like MJ. They didn't. This baby is perfectly healthy in every way possible. Oh yeah, and this baby is a GIRL.
Today I am 26 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be going just as planned. I spent SO many weeks waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something to go wrong. It hasn't and I am just now beginning to believe that I will have a baby girl in my arms come January 2012. In three weeks we'll schedule my c-section, which I am guessing will be around January 13, 2012. It will be a Friday, Friday the 13th, which I oddly find comforting thinking that this baby will be born on Friday the 13th.
So because I have always viewed this blog as MJ's, I created a new blog, a family blog. I'll still update this one from time to time, because I will always miss him. I always long for him, I always hope and pray that somehow this is a bad dream and my son didn't die. I'll never move on from his death, but I can move forward, and I guess that is what this new blog is about. Moving forward and embracing life instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. So if you'd like, please come join me on the new adventure of having a sweet little girl come into our lives in January here.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
So it's been FOREVER since I've blogged. Not that I haven't wanted to, just that there's been so much going on that I've not really known how to include it in this blog. I've always considered this blog MJ's, so to write about anything else just felt out of place.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Our precious son Michael Joseph Skaggs flew to Heaven. We hope and prayed that our fears would not come true, but they did. I have never actually wrote everything that happened that day, and so I am going to now. I apologize that it is so long, but I want to remember everything from those last hours with my son. Here it goes . . .
It all started on my birthday, August 28 2009. We woke up that day after a few rough days with MJ, and were hoping for a much better day. After all, it was my birthday! What better present could I get then a good day with my sons. We called the hospital and they said that MJ was doing great, he had a really good night, and the goal for the day was to turn down his oxygen. He was one 98-99% oxygen, and he really needed to start making a turn and breathing more on his own. Since he was doing okay, Willie decided to go to work, at that point we were preparing for a year long stay in the NICU with MJ, and so Willie was trying to conserve his days off of work. Will had his month check up at the doctor that morning, and so I took him in late morning. After our appointment I stopped by my work to have some birthday treats, and the plan was to relax a little in the afternoon before Willie got off work and we would go see MJ. At noon I called the hospital again, and he was doing even better! I was so elated, MJ was giving me the best birthday present ever. His oxygen had been turned down to the mid 80s, and they thought they would be able to turn it down more in the afternoon. The nurse actually said, "We can't turn it down fast enough, he is doing so great!"
After a quiet afternoon, we left for the hospital. We walked up to his room filled with hope, our son was having a great day in the NICU, and it was my birthday. We never had a clue what we were about to walk into. After we scrubbed in, the entered his room to find seven to eight doctors crowded around MJ. We didn't have a clue what was going on, and waited in the wings of the room as the doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. He was have a very bad bout with pulmonary hypertension, and had a ton of pressure in his chest. His heart beat was erratic at best, and it seemed as though his little body was shutting down. We were only able to get a few peaks at MJ while the doctors were trying to find the best solution. Once we were able to get a clear look at him, we both knew. It's a moment I will never forget, a moment that I knew my son was going to die. He had enough, he couldn't fight anymore. It was something that came over me that I will never be able to fully describe, almost like someone was telling me he was done, and just couldn't fight anymore. I had to leave the room to gather myself, and went to go call my mom and sister to tell them to come to the hospital.
I went to the parent break room to use the phone. We weren't allowed to have cell phones in the NICU, and so I had left my phone in the car. My sister lived an hour from the hospital, and my mom was in for the weekend, and was spending the night with her. I struggled to remember my mom's cell phone, and so I called my dad in Chicago, hoping that he would be home. He was home, and started crying and told him that MJ was not doing very well. I asked for my mom's cell phone number, and my dad asked how bad it was. I never forget my response, "Daddy, he looks like he is dying." My dad started crying, and then I called my mom. All I had to say was that MJ was not doing very well, and my said, "Okay, we're on our way, give us an hour."
The next hour or so, Willie and I struggled for composure. We had been hit with a brick, and were praying that MJ would pull through and survive. Our nurse arranged for a room for us to sleep in a parent room that night in the NICU. They didn't want us leaving the hospital for fear he would die while we were gone. We wouldn't have left anyway, we knew that MJ needed us. The doctors discussed our options, and said that for night his goal was to remain stable. His oxygen was back at 100% support, and he was oxygenating (the amount of oxygen his blood was getting) around 70%. His goal was to be at least 92% oxygen.
After we got settled in our room Willie ran to the hospital cafeteria to get us some dinner. It was the last time we would eat there, after we had basically lived there for 35 days. The food tasted bland and was cold.
After awhile my mom and sister got there, and we all struggled to grasp what was happening. His little body was turning into a color mixed with gray and green. Everything was shutting down, and the doctors were doing all they could do to keep him alive. My mom told me that my godmother and her son were on their way to the hospital, too. She was in town visiting him for the weekend, as he goes to school at the University of Kansas. After awhile they got there. It was such an amazing feeling to be able to introduce my son to only the seventh and eighth people to meet him other then the amazing doctors and nurses who took care of him on a daily basis. So many of our family live out of town, and so they could not meet him. We told everyone to wait until he was more stable, or able to come home before coming out to visit. We all took turns visiting MJ for a few hours. Only two people could be at his bedside at a time.
Around midnight that night everyone left. My mom and sister had plans to come back first thing in the morning, and we were going to try and get a good night of sleep. We went and said one last goodnight to MJ, thanking God for another day with our son. I was so thankful that he had made it through my birthday. I didn't want to remember that on my birthday my son died. (Although I will always remember it as the day before my son died.) We were physically and emotionally exhausted. We both layed down and fell asleep. We didn't have a change of clothes, toothbrush, or anything else with us for that matter. We simply slept on a bed in the clothes we had on.
I woke up the next morning about 7 am to feed Will. We were not allowed to see MJ until 8 am because the doctors were doing rounds. At 8 am, I left Willie and Will to see how MJ was doing. I walked in to find our favorite nurse, who I thank God that she was our nurse that day. We could never have gotten through the day without her. I walked over to MJ and kissed him good morning. Megan walked over and I asked her how he was doing. She had asked what time I had last been in to see him. I told her around midnight or so and she told me that he was doing worse. His was now oxygenating around 60%, and his arms and legs were turning blue due to the lack of oxygen. I told her I needed to go get my husband and I would be right back.
I woke Willie up and told him we needed to go see MJ, he was doing worse. We were gone maybe 15 minutes, and we walked in again to find five or so doctors huddled around MJ. He was having another erratic hearbeat spell due to the pulmonary hypertension and pressure in his chest. We quietly took a seat in the corner while the doctors talked over their plan of action. Megan came over to us and said that there was something that she needed to talk to us about, and she wanted to be the one to tell us. They thought that it was the day, and that at some point that day we would have to make a choice to hold MJ, or let him die alone on his bed. We had never held him yet, and even though we knew in our hearts she was right, we still felt as though we were hit with another bag of bricks. We cried and looked at each other wondering how we could ever make that decision. A few minutes later, one of the doctors came over to tell us the same thing. She said that they weren't out of options yet, but it was coming to that point. She asked us if we wanted them to continue treatments and try to save his life, or what else we wanted to do. We said save him, please save our son.
A little while later a cardiologist specialist came in to see MJ. He was obivously on his way to play golf, or do some other Saturday activity. But first he came to try and save my son. He looked over ECHO results and came over to talk to us. He said he didn't know why MJ was having the erratic heart spells that he was having, but that it was due to the pulmonary hypertension, and pressure in his chest. He thought he had a few tricks up his sleeve that the doctors were going to try. They started him on a new medicine, and said that they would give it an hour to work, and then they would try the next one.
My mom and sister got there shortly and we caught them up to speed with the plan to save MJ. The next few hours we stayed and prayed by his bedside. Every hour or so, they would start him on a new medicine, hoping that one would start to work. His oxygenation kept falling, from the 60s, to the 50s, and then to the 40s. At some point that day my mom and sister went out to get some food for us. I think it was Wendy's. I remember it tasting bland and not good. They forced us to eat, as we didn't really want to have anything to do with it. My sister and I were in the parent room by ourselves at some point, and she said that she had found an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and they would come take professional photos of us that day, if the worst were to happen. We had only two medicines left to try, and so I asked her to call them in two hours if these two didn't work. I told her that if the worst came, I wanted her to hold him. She promised that she would.
The next two hours came and went with no change, and his oxygenation still decreasing with each hour. The doctors came to us and said they wanted to try one last thing: switching his ventilator. He had been on the oscillating, or jet vent, and they thought that switching him to the normal, gentle vent would help decrease the pressure in his chest. They did say that there was some arugment between the doctors on whether it would work or not, and asked us what we wanted. We said try it, do anything to help him. Amid arguments from some of the doctors, his ventilator was changed. The thought was that either it would help him, or it would cause him to plummet even more. We all held our breath and waited to see what was going to happen. There was no change, he didn't plummet, but he didn't get any better. We were going to give him an hour and then evaluate our options. The next hour was much of the same, his oxygenation was going down. I remember when it hit 25% I asked our nurse how much lower it could go, she said not much. I covered his feet because they were so cold and blue because there was no oxygen going to them. She said that his body was keeping the oxygen for his major organs, and so his extremities were getting virtually none. My godmother and her son had come back to the hospital to be with us, knowing that we were about to say goodbye to MJ.
Willie and I looked at each other, each afraid of what to say, because there was really only one option left for us. Finally I said, I want to hold my son, I want to hold him. Willie agreed, and we both cried, knowing that it would be our first and last time holding him.
Megan came over to us and asked us what we wanted to do, the time was here, and we had to make a decision. We said we wanted to hold him. I asked her if the rest of my family could come in, as we had all been taking turns throughout the day to be with him. She said yes, that in situations like ours all the rules were thrown out the window. We prepared for everything that was about to come. Megan called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and arranged for the chaplain to baptize Will and MJ. We really wanted them to have that together. I couldn't imagine baptizing MJ, and not Will. It would be the last and first thing they would do together as twins.
The doctors came and confirmed our decision with us. And then the room swarmed with people helping to prepare us to hold MJ. You see, he was on a ventilator, which made it tricky. But then you also had to add in all of the other tubes that he was attached to, which included a drainage tube (from his chest, after his surgery that had not been removed yet), and probably at least twenty different types of medicine. That day, they tried EVERYTHING they could think of to keep him alive. It probably took about 30 minutes to prepare for him to be moved. Right before he was about to be moved, Megan told us that sometimes, when they moved babies as critical as him, it caused them to crash and their heart to stop beating. She asked us what we wanted to do if that happened. Did we want them to put him back on the table, and perform CPR, or did we want them to continue to give him to us and let us hold him. She explained that performing CPR on him would be pure chaos, with an extra 20 or so people in the room, and it would be very traumatic to see how it would happen for us. We told her that we wanted him, we wanted him in our arms, and we wanted to finally hold our son.
We asked for them to take away the paralytic that he was on, in hopes that he would open his eyes for us. He never did, but thought that maybe he would.
I don't think that I will ever forget the moment he was placed in my arms. Tears of joy and sadness rushed down my face. It's really an indescribale feeling, knowing that I was finally holding my son, and the pure joy that I had in my heart, but then the pure devastation knowing that it would be my last. My husband looked at me and smiled, and said, look baby, he pointed to the screen where MJ's vitals were. His oxygenation had shot up to 80%, the best it had been in over 24 hours! He knew that his mother was holding him, finally. I was so happy, I knew, I just knew that MJ knew I was holding him. We took a ton of pictures. Our family of four was finally together for the first and last time, and as sad as it was knowing it was our last, we still were able to find joy in that moment, our final moments with MJ. After awhile Willie whispered to me that he knew we had made the right decision, MJ's heart rate had dropped dramatically, and was going down. At that point we switched and Willie was able to hold MJ for the first and last time. My mom and sister had brought us a change of clothes when they had got to the hospital that day, and so I changed quickly, as I knew the photographer was nearly there. I knew that the pictures we were about to take I would treasure forever, and I did want to be dressed a little nicer then I was.
Just as the photographer got there, we had switched again, and I was holding MJ again. She explained that she herself was a NICU nurse, and she was so sorry that she had to be there. We took more photos, and then the chaplain came and it was time to baptize our twins. Since MJ was dressed in nothing more then a diaper, we did the same for Will. It would be the first and only time that our twins would be photographed dressed alike, and in nothing more then a diaper. The chaplain said a few beautiful words, and then they were both baptized. We spent a few more moments with MJ and we knew that time was nearing for us. Earlier I had asked Megan how MJ would die, how long would it take. She said that he was on so much medicine that it could take a few hours, or a day or so. She said it could be dragged out for a long time, putting us all in much more pain then we wanted. We knew that we didn't want that for MJ. Somehow letting him go sooner was more dignified to me. Letting him go on our terms was better then for him to die slowly. And so we had let the doctors know that we were ready. We had our options they told us, they could take away just the medicine, just the ventilator, or both.
Slowly the took away all of the medicine he was on, except for the pain medicine, we always wanted to make sure that he was never in any pain. It took a good 15 minutes to unhook and cap all of the medicine he had. Then they asked if we were ready for the ventilator to be taken out. We had never seen him without it, but we were ready as we were ever going to be. They took it out, and for the first time in his short life, we were able to see him without a tube stuck down his throat. He was so beautiful and amazing, it broughts tears to our eyes. A few minutes later the doctor came to check if his heart was still beating. The room was so quiet, and Willie and I weren't really sure was she was doing. I had thought that as soon as the vent was taken out, he would be gone. But then I realized that it was not the case, and they were checking his heartbeat. A few more minutes after that, she checked again. And she whispered two words to me that will haunt me the rest of my life, I will never forget how they sounded, "MJ's gone." We sobbed, Willie and I, we both lost it, our son was gone, how was that ever possible?
We took a few more photos, and then I asked if my mom wanted to hold him, she kissed him goodbye and gave him back to me, and I gave him to my sister to kiss goodbye. The nurse had offered for us to give him a bath, or spend as much time with him as we wanted to. At first I thought it was something that I would want to do, but then we decided against it. MJ's body was getting cold, and I didn't want to remember him like that. I wanted to remember holding him alive, and feeling his warmth. I remember thinking it was odd that the nurse gave us warm blankets, and then I realized why she did. Looking back, I am glad that we did not bathe him. He had so many tubes coming out of him, and we would have had to work around them, and his body would have gotten colder, I don't really remember any of that, though. I simply remember my perfect little boy, wrapped in warmth, and how he fit so perfect in my arms.
We handed him over to the nurse and said our final goodbyes. Everything after is a blur, we signed some papers, authorized an autopsey, and within an hour we were on our way out. I remember feeling incredibly numb and almost as if I was having an out of body experience as we were leaving the hospital. My son was gone, and now I had to figure out how to live without him.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The day that MJ died I remember holding him and promising him over and over again that I would never forget him, never forget his fight, and never let him be forgotten. Personally this is incredibly easy for me, after all, I am his mother, he is my son, and NEVER will I forget him. Outside of my husband and I it seems as though the more time passes, the easier it is for others to simply let his memory fade. I will not let that happen. I refuse to let MJ simply become a baby that I had that died.
MJ - Michael Joseph - lived. He lived for 35 wonderful, amazing days and death cannot break the bond that I as a mother have for my child. I have to advocate for him because he cannot. I have to ensure that his memory lives on because he is not here to remind people that he lived. I have to refuse to allow the time and the years to act as a shield to forget. My sons are an every day part of my life.
Every day I am incredibly thankful for Will because he brings me an incredible amount of joy and love each and every moment. Every day I am incredibly thankful for MJ because he has changed my entire life in the most positive of ways. I am forever thankful for both of my sons and each of them have an equal place in my heart.
And just as the love that I have for Will grows each and every day, the love that I have for MJ grows each and every day. Unless you have lost a child, this is something that I don't think you can understand. I would think that most people would assume that as time passes, so does the feelings that come with losing a child. This could not be more incorrect. The pain is just as intense as it was the day we said goodbye. The love is deeper then the day we said hello. My heart hurts and grows with love more each day.
But I know that I owe it to myself, my husband, and my son in my arms to live each day with joy and to be happy. I have my moments of great joy and I have my moments of deep despair and a lot of moments in between.
MJ has two days, two days that are simply just for him. He has his Angel Day and he has CDH Awareness Day. Two days out of 365 that are dedicated to his fight to live. His birthday has to be for his twin brother. Will has to have a wonderful and joyous childhood and allowing him to be incredibly happy and delighted on his day of birth is part of that. So maybe in my own mind I have made March 31st MJ's 'birth day'. CDH was the birth defect that took his life, so the awareness of this day in my mind is MJ's day. Cities and states all over the country have proclaimed March 31 to be CDH Awareness Day year after year. If you remember last Topeka, KS proclaimed it as CDH Awareness Day. I want to do it again this year, I truly did. But this year was much harder emotionally than last year. Which is odd, because I would have thought last year to be harder, but the time took so much more of an emotional toll on my heart this year. I have been without my son for 18 months now, 17 months longer then he lived. To think of all the time I have lived without him, and all the time I still have until we can meet again is simply overwhelming. Its almost too much to bear. Maybe that's why this year was harder. And maybe it was harder because we are getting to a point where when we meet people they simply assume that Will is our only child and that we do not have any others (example: our daycare situation - and yes I bawled my eyes out when telling Will's teachers about MJ - that is a whole new post).
Knowing that from this point forward MJ will be nothing other then a baby that I had that died to people as they come in to our lives hurts so much. And this is why it is so important to me to have CDH Awareness Day be about MJ just as much as his Angel Day. He deserves that. He deserves two days and one of those two days simply cannot be his birthday. I hope he understands that it has to be about Will, but because of that I have given him another day. March 31 and August 29 are MJ's days. They are all about him to me, my husband, and Will, MJ's twin. For those people in our life that supported us and CDH and MJ we cannot thank you enough, it means more then I could ever explain.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I've been super busy the last few weeks and haven't really had any chance to post anything. Will has been sick, I've been super behind in class and trying to catch up (I had to miss two classes through my miscarriage), and it's been a hard month. Thursday is CDH Awareness Day, and if you remember I would be honored if you would wear Turquoise to support all families affected by CDH.
While I love to promote CDH awareness and talk about MJ, this has been a really big thing on my mind lately. You see, we switched daycare places in October. We were at an in-home daycare, and now we are at a daycare center. I love the teachers in Will's room and we are really happy overall that we switched, but the thing is, they don't know about MJ. I bought Will a shirt that says 'I Wear Turquoise for My Brother' to wear on Thursday and I have been trying to tell Will's teachers all month about MJ and CDH Awareness Day. Obviously, I haven't had the guts to. I had a lot of opportunity to, as well. Will is typically one of the first kids dropped off, and so its pretty easy to start a conversation with his teachers. But I just don't know how to really. I mean, its not something that could ever easily come up in conversation, and even when we first started, I think everyone just assumed that Will was our first and only child, so no one asked. (I always say two kids.)
So here I am, tomorrow is the day before and I would rather bring it up the day before then the day of. Last year I cried most of the day, and so I think I will be pretty emotional on Thursday, so tomorrow will overall just be better. How I am going to do it, I have no idea. I am thinking of starting, "So there is something I need to talk to you about . . ." Who knows how it will actually go. Blah! I hate that I put this off for so long and now I am stuck doing it last minute. :(
Wish me luck, and don't forget to sport your Turquoise on Thursday!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
So this week we've gained a little bit of normalcy back. I've had a normal work week, I've stopped bleeding, and I have already lost 3 pounds of the 20 I want to lose before starting fertility treatments again. And today I started working out again, and this weekend I actually really cleaned my house. The emotions of the past six weeks have kind of left the house pretty unorganized and badly needing a good scrubbing!
It feels good to feel good again. I didn't realize how much the bleeding for three weeks took out of me - mentally and physically.
But is has been pretty hard emotionally. The miscarriage brought back a lot of the emotions of losing MJ. I was surprised, really, how much it reminded me and brought back the memories and emotions of saying goodbye to him again. The D&C wasn't that bad, I actually almost wish that I would have elected to do the D&C initially, rather then wait to miscarry naturally. But I was SO scared of the complications and risk factors of a D&C. Before I went in for the D&C I made sure that if I was the one in a million that would have to have a hysterectomy, that they would save my ovaries, thus saving my eggs. Then I started worrying about how we would afford a surrogate. Yeah, my mind was running on crazy that day. I am so glad it went smoothly.
I have really been focused on enjoying life the past week. Enjoying my husband, enjoying my Will, and really truly trying to appreciate life. But its hard. Today we took Will to the circus and I thought about how we really should be juggling two toddlers, instead of just one. Will was on my lap, and Willie's lap seemed so empty. Wherever we go, MJ is missed, but today seemed so much worse then normal. We enjoyed the circus, we really did, but I just really missed MJ today.
Slowly but surely we are healing and moving forward. The process seems much easier then losing MJ, but it still hurts. I think that when we start TTC again it will bring up a lot of fears. So for now, while we are focused on healing, we really are. But I know grief and I know that the emotions will come back, and probably worse if we are lucky enough to become pregnant again. I feel that I will bring home a rainbow, but I have no idea what kind of timeframe God has planned for us. Whatever it may be, for the moment I am content with that. I want to enjoy and cherish the moments with Will, instead of burrow in my own sorrow. I feel like I missed so much of him as a baby because I was so wrapped up in my own grief, and then I felt it all over again in the middle of the miscarriage saga. But I am ready to heal and ready to 'be there' for each and every moment. And on the note, I am going to help my husband tickle my little monster.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
So when I started this blog it was originally to document our way of honoring MJ's short life, through what started as a small local project of Project Sweet Peas. Today we are in full force and have donated over 340 care packages to families going through the NICU experience. You can read about what we do here.
Then the blog slowly morphed into my outlet of grief, and it really seemed (and still does!) to give me a way to channel my crazy emotions as I go through this life as a bereaved mother.
Now its slowly starting to morph again, into a blog about my life struggling with infertility, the death of my son, and every day life, really.
So I am wondering if maybe its time for a change or update to a.) my blog design b.) my blog name or c.) both. Anyone have any input? At a time I really wanted for this blog to be solely about my grief and/or MJ. And at a time, it was. And I tried the whole two or three blog thing and that didn't really work. It got overwhelming and then I never updated either of them. I kind of must want a blog about me, and all of me. Including my grief, my struggle with infertility, my family, and my never ending battle with trying to lose weight.
So, if anyone has any input, please let me know! Including new names, if I do decide to rename it. Thank you!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Well I had the D&C yesterday, and for the most part it was pretty painless, just some cramping after and through today. I am so glad its over and we can really start to actually move forward. I am so glad they knocked me out for it, it was so easy knowing I didn't have to know what was going on.
It just sucks a lot that I had to go through both the awfulness of a miscarriage and go through a D&C in two weeks. I almost wish I would have just said lets do the D&C, and not go through the natural miscarriage, but I was SO scared of the risks. I was so scared I was going to have complications and would it be a nightmare. Thankfully, it all went smoothly and its over, well almost over. I am still bleeding a little bit, but I think thats just from the trauma my uterus went through with the D&C. They said its normal and I am really hoping it will stop today and I can start doing normal things today. Will missed his swim lesson this morning because I couldn't go in the pool, and I really just wanted us all to relax at home today. I want to get back to normal things and have a few months of not worrying about ovulating or worrying what pill or what shot to take when. The few months off will be nice. And then next week I can get back to working out again and I can just focus on losing weight until we start TTC again.
Today I am thankful. Thankful for all that I have, all that I have been through, and thankful for the future filled with hope that one day Willie and I will have the big family full of kids running around just like we dream about.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Yep, you guessed right, I am having a D&C tomorrow. I have been bleeding for 13 days and this morning it started to get pretty bad again. I emailed my nurse and she called me and said for me to come in immediatly, thinking I may need an emergency D&C. Thankfully, the bleeding slowed down a bit, and we scheduled one for tomorrow morning at 9:30am.
They were going over all of the risks and possible 'worst outcomes' for this, and I just started crying. I am so scared I will be the statistic that gets my uterus ripped, and a hysterectomy will be necessary. They assured me that it was a very small percentage of people that it happens to, and I told her that I felt that I was the reason for statistics like that.
I am overwhelmed and exhausted. Please keep me in your prayers, I'll update more tomorrow, hopefully.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The really heavy bleeding started last night and has continued to this morning. I was up at least every hour last night dealing with it and the cramping that has come along with this miscarriage. I decided to take today off of work, I feel like it would have been just way too hard deal with amount of bleeding and the pain from the cramps at work. I thought about it really hard, though. Part of me wants to move forward and simply deal with all of this, but the other part of me wants to fall apart a little.
While falling apart is pretty appealing and all, I am simply sick of feeling sorry for myself. I want to grieve, I want to heal, but I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Thats why a part of me wanted to go to work, but the physical part of this miscarriage would have been WAY to much to deal with. I am laying in bed all day with a towel underneath me in case I can't make it to the bathroom in time when I have a huge gush come (sorry if TMI). It would never have worked at work. So I am happy I am home dealing with losing the last bits of this baby and this pregnancy.
We'll work through it, just like we always do. The emotional pain of this miscarriage cannot compare to losing MJ. Losing MJ was and is the worst loss that a parent can ever deal with. Its a fight each and every day, and I don't anticipate that with this miscarriage. I will always mis this baby, I will always think of this baby, but its just not like losing MJ. We've been through worse, so we know how to handle this. Which is awful, we shouldn't know the pain of losing MJ, nor should we know this pain.
Right now moving forward is at a standstill. I gotta get through the miscarriage first. No matter how hard I want to start moving forward and starting to grieve, I am still in the thick of the pain. I am still losing this baby, and its a painful loss, both emotionally and physically. I am not ready to grieve, I am not ready to move forward. I am hoping soon for closure, which would mean the end of this miscarriage.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
For the first time that I can remember, by body didn't actually fail me. I started to miscarry today. The cramping is incredibly painful, and the overall experience simply sucks. But in a way I am glad. Only because I don't have to go through a D&C, and maybe, just maybe this will kick off my body agreeing with what nature intends for it to do.
I was utterly convinced for awhile that I was going to have to have a D&C, so I am very glad this will not be the case. I hope the next few days go by fast and we can start to heal.
I should be ten weeks pregnant tomorrow :(
Friday, February 4, 2011
So this miscarriage hasn't happened yet. I HATE that I have to just wait for it to happen. If I don't have it by Valentines Day I have to go in for a D&C. I really DON"T want for that to happen. So as much as I don't want it to happen, I really hope that things start to happen quickly. I feel like once we get over this hump, then the healing can begin.
It feels like I am in limbo, in between pregnant and no longer pregnant. Where do I fall? Obviously I am not pregnant, but I still have a pregnancy in me. I am so glad today is Friday and I can have the weekend to relax. (Although I do have to work 2 hours tomorrow.)
I am ready to start the healing and then have a game plan of when we can try again. I totally feel like we are starting over from square one and who knows how long it will take us to get pregnant again. The first time (for Will and MJ) it took us almost a year and a half, this time it took us a year. So maybe we'll get lucky and shoot for six months? Obviously I hope it happens sooner for us, but I have to be realistic here, it probably will be another year or so. I am so not ready for this battle with infertility to start over again. So I guess its a good thing that we have to wait at least two cycles before starting fertility treatments again.
It will give us time to heal and time to prepare ourselves for the next year in our life. Am I ready for another year long battle and monthly disappointment in our quest to build our family? The answer is no, but I will do anything to bring a healthy baby home. There is nothing that I would want more in life then to have a bunch of kids running around me causing chaos. Sometimes it seems as though that dream is fading away with each day. Willie and I have talked about having at least three to four babies to raise here on Earth. With this miscarriage I am so scared that all we will have is Will. MJ will forever be in our hearts, and this baby will forever be missed. When will our happy ending come? Will our happy ending come? I guess I really don't know and all I can do is wait for life to happen and dreams to either come true or fade away.
I'll never know why God has chosen such a hard life for us, I'll never know why two of my babies are in Heaven. I hope and I pray each day that God will bless us with another life; another baby; another miracle for us to love and cherish. But right now I am not really sure if that is in the cards for us. We'll keep trying, we'll spend whatever it takes, and hopefully one day, we'll bring home another healthy baby. . . . .
Monday, January 31, 2011
As I posted a few posts ago, in December we did our first round of IUI. While we were hoping for the best, we prepared ourselves to have to go through at least two rounds of IUI before becoming pregnant. Well, the day before Christmas Eve I decided to test one day early and low and behold we got a positive pregnancy test. We were completely over the moon and totally excited for this new special beginning. I mean really, what a awesome Christmas present, right?!
Fast forward two weeks and we went in for our first ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck, really. I was shaking while we waited for the doctor to come in and let us see our new miracles heartbeat. There was no heartbeat that day. We hoped for the best and thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as far along as we thought I was. Maybe my smaller egg released late and then implanted late and threw me off a few days. It was possible. The doctor said to wait 10 days and then come back and see if there was any growth.
Ten days after the first ultrasound we again were nervous wrecks as we waited for the second ultrasound. This time there was growth, but still no heartbeat. Once again the doctor told us to wait and come back. She said that most doctors would say miscarriage at that point, but she wasn't ready to give up on this new little one just yet.
Today we headed in for our third ultrasound. This time, no growth and still no heartbeat. Miscarriage. Really?! I mean really, God?! I am the statistic that women have nightmares about:
High Risk Pregnancy
Son born with a birth defect
Death of a Child
The doctor chalked this miscarriage up to bad luck, "after all 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, you know. It's natures way of weeding out the bad. Most women go through this sort of thing. Your not alone."
Why do people feel the need to say these sort of things? I mean really, like those statements help at all. I am very aware of the statistics, I am the reason for statistics.
I wasn't ready to share all of this until we knew for sure what was going to happen. I never felt 'right' about this pregnancy, so I guess the miscarriage news isn't so surprising or
upsetting shocking is the word I was looking for. This is so upsetting, I simply can't believe we have to go through this. When, WHEN will we have our rainbow?!?! I have been preparing myself for this news since before we even got pregnant. We have the worst luck in the world, after all. CDH (what MJ was born with) has no cause, its simply bad luck. This miscarriage, again, its simply bad luck.
This baby was due September 4, 2011. I should be 9 weeks pregnant and 1 day, instead my body should miscarry in the next two weeks, and if not, then I will have to have a D&C. Knowing my luck, that will happen and I will be the one in a million women that actually become sterile after having a D&C.
Seriously, though, we hope to try IUI again as soon as we can. Most likely that will be in 2-3 months, depending on how fast I miscarry and how fast my pregnancy hormones come down.
This baby will forever be missed and I only hope that MJ is playing with his little brother/sister in Heaven. Knowing I have two babies in Heaven comforts me in a way. They will not be alone, and have each other until we will meet again.
Baby Skaggs #3 I will always love and remember you. I wish you were with me here on Earth and we were rejoicing over good news today. My little bean, I miss you so much.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I am so thankful to receive a wonderful blogger award from one special momma at Finding My New Normal.
I know I haven't posted in awhile, and its only because I am not quite ready to share what has been going on the past few weeks. I promise I will update next week, but for now, the thought of putting it all out there is a little scary.
Once again, THANK YOU for the bloggy award and here it goes!
Here's how this award works.
- Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
- Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.
- I have been to many different places on the planet including Jamaica, Mexico, New Zealand, Australia, and Canada. I love to travel and sadly haven't been able to since my wedding over three years ago! Hopefully sometime soon hubby and I can find time to sneak away for a quick weekend or something like that!
- I was a big nerd in high school. I was obsessed with being that 'perfect' girl that had it all, and in reality I didn't. Then in college I went the exact opposite and partied WAY too much. I am happy to say that I have finally found a happy medium, and am really happy with who I am.
- I grew up just outside of Chicago, IL and LOVE the Chicago Cubs. I am quite obsessed with them actually. I am very proud to say that MJ went to a Cubs game, Opening Day 2009 when he was tucked in my belly!
- I think no matter weight I am, I will always feel fat. I would love to lose 50 pounds, but losing weight is hard! I lost 30 lbs, and would to keep that trend up!
- I never thought I would find someone like my husband. He amazes me each and every day, and I never thought someone could make me so happy. Sometimes I wonder when he is gonna wake up and realize he is married to a big dork!
- This blog is one of the only reasons I made it through the first year after losing MJ. I know I don't post a lot anymore, but I am constantly thinking of posts I would like to write! If only there could be a few more hours in each day!
- I always thought that I would want to love someplace warm and never experience snow again. But I actually missed snow this year. We didn't get any in Kansas until last week, and I was really sad for awhile. Although now that it is here, I am ready for it to go!
Love all of you ladies and am SO happy that I found your blogs!
- Devon at Life as We Know It
- Stephanie at Carried Through Grief
- Desiree at Journey to Motherhood
- Christy at Almost a Mother
- Beckie at Beckie's Infertility Journey
- Courtney at Cloudy with Hope
- Angie at Expectation Revised
- Lori at Lori Does Maryland
- Laura at Moments of Pause
- Rikki at My Forever Family
- Brooke at Polka Dots and Ric Rac
- Ethans Mommy at The Story of Ethan James
- C at The Port of Indecision
- Aly at The Infertility Overachievers
- Trisha at Looking for Blue Sky