Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Three Years.

Three years. I can’t quite believe that it has been three years since my beautiful boys were born. Three years since I ‘officially’ became a mother to twins. I look back at those pictures and my heart aches because it seems so far away. Like I am trying to grasp and hold onto the moments but they fall through my fingers like sand at times. I have the memories, and those seem to never fade. Sometimes it feels like I can remember each and every moment of those 35 days. But the emotions and the feelings of those moments and the feeling as though I am a mother of twins are fading. I remember being scared. I remember being happy. I remember the ache of wanting to have both of my boys at home with me. But those are fading.

And those are the feelings and emotions that I feel connect me more with MJ. I long for him so much. But more and more it feels as though I am long for a memory instead of my son, if that makes sense. I look at Will and see him so happy and connected and well, three years old today. And I can’t imagine how it would be to have twins. I can’t imagine the relationship Will and MJ would have. I can’t imagine the emotion of watching my twins grow up. I can only see Will. I used to see Will and MJ and it would tear me apart to see a ghost right next to Will. So in ways I am glad I don’t see that any more. It’s not fair to Will to see him as two. I can’t let MJ’s ghost follow him around in my mind all day. But now it makes me miss MJ so much more, because I don’t see him in Will as much as I used to. The concept of being a mother to twins is becoming further and further away from. We have met so many new people in the three years since we’ve had our boys. Some of these new people don’t even know of MJ, as they are only acquaintances. The teachers at Will’s daycare, only a few of them know. And really, for Will’s sake, I think that is how it should be. I never, ever want my grief and my own feelings and aching for MJ to affect Will. I want Will to know how much he is special and unique and was an answer to my prayers and how much he is loved as an individual.

But that is so hard to do some days because the aching and longing for MJ seems to grow as time passes. Every day, every picture, every moment with my family I know that MJ is always missing. I am so incredibly lucky to have amazing parents, sisters, and inlaws who will never allow for MJ to be forgotten. My sister talked about MJ at her wedding and how much she missed him to everyone there during her thank you speech. My inlaws remember MJ every day. My parents put on a fundraiser for MJ’s Memories every year. Those moments and so many more help to ease our pain. But it will never go away, we will always ache for him. Our family picture will never be complete. And the tears will always flow. I’d give anything to go back and relive one more day with MJ. To touch his skin and kiss his face. Hold him and love him. One day would get me through the hard days so much better then what I have now. I never thought he would die, until he actually did. I never tried to imprint the moment in my brain until I was holding him for the first and last time. Some of those memories are cloudy and I hate the cloudiness. I want them to be clear and fresh in my mind. I’d really like to wake up and be back at the hospital and in those moments. Quite honestly I would really just like my son back.

Some day I will see him again, but right now that seems so far away. Three years, I really just can’t believe its been three years.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Almost Three Years

I really cannot believe that its been almost three years since our boys were born. Will has turned into quite an amazing little boy. As always, and lately even more, I am missing MJ. This year seems to be harder than the last one. Their first birthday I am pretty sure I was still numb, although I didn't think so at the time. Last year I was pregnant with our baby girl Maci (who was born healthy! in January), and I think I was so scared those nine months I couldn't really think about anything else. This year sometimes it feels like its hit me full force in the face that one of my twins is gone.

We were gonna throw a big kid party for Will this year, but emotionally I just can't do it. So instead of a big party I think we are just gonna have a small BBQ at our house, like in the year's past, but not as big, I just can't do it this year.

It has been incredibly way too long since I have blogged. SO MUCH has happened. As I mentioned earlier my beautiful baby girl Maci Jayne was born on January 13, 2012. She was a whopping 9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. She was everything I could have imagined and more. Her pregnancy and birth were so peaceful, just like it should be. I didn't know how much I needed her until she was here. I feel as though I am truly able to love wholely again. I feel like we've come full circle in the aspect that we are able to move forward in our lives and give to our kids what we've always wanted. As almost six months she is rolling over both ways, a big baby girl and just so incredibly full of love. Will is an amazing big brother. He loves her so much, sometimes its heart wrenching to see. I wish I could see him with MJ, and see how two little boys would love their sister so much.

Will is starting to understand that MJ is his twin, a brother who should be here, but is not. This is new territory for us and one that I am not quite ready for. A few weeks ago he was crying and told me he was sad because MJ was not here and he missed him very much. We are bringing him to a grief support meeting at Children's Mercy in two weeks for siblings. They start them at age 3 and its really perfect timing.

Each day, every moment I miss MJ more. I didn't think it was possible to miss him more each day, but that is how life is. I am learning to live without him. Each day and each experience is something new, and another moment without him.

When Maci was just two months old we bought a house. We left our townhouse that we were supposed to bring our twins home to. That was hard leaving, but this new house is so wonderful for us. We are really happy here. Our hearts and arms are almost full. One little boy will always be missing.