Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Three Years.

Three years. I can’t quite believe that it has been three years since my beautiful boys were born. Three years since I ‘officially’ became a mother to twins. I look back at those pictures and my heart aches because it seems so far away. Like I am trying to grasp and hold onto the moments but they fall through my fingers like sand at times. I have the memories, and those seem to never fade. Sometimes it feels like I can remember each and every moment of those 35 days. But the emotions and the feelings of those moments and the feeling as though I am a mother of twins are fading. I remember being scared. I remember being happy. I remember the ache of wanting to have both of my boys at home with me. But those are fading.

And those are the feelings and emotions that I feel connect me more with MJ. I long for him so much. But more and more it feels as though I am long for a memory instead of my son, if that makes sense. I look at Will and see him so happy and connected and well, three years old today. And I can’t imagine how it would be to have twins. I can’t imagine the relationship Will and MJ would have. I can’t imagine the emotion of watching my twins grow up. I can only see Will. I used to see Will and MJ and it would tear me apart to see a ghost right next to Will. So in ways I am glad I don’t see that any more. It’s not fair to Will to see him as two. I can’t let MJ’s ghost follow him around in my mind all day. But now it makes me miss MJ so much more, because I don’t see him in Will as much as I used to. The concept of being a mother to twins is becoming further and further away from. We have met so many new people in the three years since we’ve had our boys. Some of these new people don’t even know of MJ, as they are only acquaintances. The teachers at Will’s daycare, only a few of them know. And really, for Will’s sake, I think that is how it should be. I never, ever want my grief and my own feelings and aching for MJ to affect Will. I want Will to know how much he is special and unique and was an answer to my prayers and how much he is loved as an individual.

But that is so hard to do some days because the aching and longing for MJ seems to grow as time passes. Every day, every picture, every moment with my family I know that MJ is always missing. I am so incredibly lucky to have amazing parents, sisters, and inlaws who will never allow for MJ to be forgotten. My sister talked about MJ at her wedding and how much she missed him to everyone there during her thank you speech. My inlaws remember MJ every day. My parents put on a fundraiser for MJ’s Memories every year. Those moments and so many more help to ease our pain. But it will never go away, we will always ache for him. Our family picture will never be complete. And the tears will always flow. I’d give anything to go back and relive one more day with MJ. To touch his skin and kiss his face. Hold him and love him. One day would get me through the hard days so much better then what I have now. I never thought he would die, until he actually did. I never tried to imprint the moment in my brain until I was holding him for the first and last time. Some of those memories are cloudy and I hate the cloudiness. I want them to be clear and fresh in my mind. I’d really like to wake up and be back at the hospital and in those moments. Quite honestly I would really just like my son back.

Some day I will see him again, but right now that seems so far away. Three years, I really just can’t believe its been three years.