Monday, January 31, 2011

A New Beginning and then Another Loss

As I posted a few posts ago, in December we did our first round of IUI. While we were hoping for the best, we prepared ourselves to have to go through at least two rounds of IUI before becoming pregnant. Well, the day before Christmas Eve I decided to test one day early and low and behold we got a positive pregnancy test. We were completely over the moon and totally excited for this new special beginning. I mean really, what a awesome Christmas present, right?!

Fast forward two weeks and we went in for our first ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck, really. I was shaking while we waited for the doctor to come in and let us see our new miracles heartbeat. There was no heartbeat that day. We hoped for the best and thought maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as far along as we thought I was. Maybe my smaller egg released late and then implanted late and threw me off a few days. It was possible. The doctor said to wait 10 days and then come back and see if there was any growth.

Ten days after the first ultrasound we again were nervous wrecks as we waited for the second ultrasound. This time there was growth, but still no heartbeat. Once again the doctor told us to wait and come back. She said that most doctors would say miscarriage at that point, but she wasn't ready to give up on this new little one just yet.

Today we headed in for our third ultrasound. This time, no growth and still no heartbeat. Miscarriage. Really?! I mean really, God?! I am the statistic that women have nightmares about:

Primary Infertility
High Risk Pregnancy
Son born with a birth defect
Death of a Child
Secondary Infertility

The doctor chalked this miscarriage up to bad luck, "after all 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, you know. It's natures way of weeding out the bad. Most women go through this sort of thing. Your not alone."

Why do people feel the need to say these sort of things? I mean really, like those statements help at all. I am very aware of the statistics, I am the reason for statistics. 

I wasn't ready to share all of this until we knew for sure what was going to happen. I never felt 'right' about this pregnancy, so I guess the miscarriage news isn't so surprising or upsetting shocking is the word I was looking for. This is so upsetting, I simply can't believe we have to go through this. When, WHEN will we have our rainbow?!?!  I have been preparing myself for this news since before we even got pregnant. We have the worst luck in the world, after all. CDH (what MJ was born with) has no cause, its simply bad luck. This miscarriage, again, its simply bad luck.

This baby was due September 4, 2011. I should be 9 weeks pregnant and 1 day, instead my body should miscarry in the next two weeks, and if not, then I will have to have a D&C. Knowing my luck, that will happen and I will be the one in a million women that actually become sterile after having a D&C.

Seriously, though, we hope to try IUI again as soon as we can. Most likely that will be in 2-3 months, depending on how fast I miscarry and how fast my pregnancy hormones come down.

This baby will forever be missed and I only hope that MJ is playing with his little brother/sister in Heaven. Knowing I have two babies in Heaven comforts me in a way. They will not be alone, and have each other until we will meet again.

Baby Skaggs #3 I will always love and remember you. I wish you were with me here on Earth and we were rejoicing over good news today. My little bean, I miss you so much. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Blogger Award!

I am so thankful to receive a wonderful blogger award from one special momma at Finding My New Normal.

I know I haven't posted in awhile, and its only because I am not quite ready to share what has been going on the past few weeks. I promise I will update next week, but for now, the thought of putting it all out there is a little scary.

Once again, THANK YOU for the bloggy award and here it goes!

Here's how this award works.

  1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
  2. Share 7 things about yourself.
  3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
  4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award. 
Seven Things About Me
  1. I have been to many different places on the planet including Jamaica, Mexico, New Zealand, Australia, and Canada. I love to travel and sadly haven't been able to since my wedding over three years ago! Hopefully sometime soon hubby and I can find time to sneak away for a quick weekend or something like that!
  2. I was a big nerd in high school. I was obsessed with being that 'perfect' girl that had it all, and in reality I didn't. Then in college I went the exact opposite and partied WAY too much. I am happy to say that I have finally found a happy medium, and am really happy with who I am.
  3. I grew up just outside of Chicago, IL and LOVE the Chicago Cubs. I am quite obsessed with them actually. I am very proud to say that MJ went to a Cubs game, Opening Day 2009 when he was tucked in my belly!
  4. I think no matter weight I am, I will always feel fat. I would love to lose 50 pounds, but losing weight is hard! I lost 30 lbs, and would to keep that trend up!
  5. I never thought I would find someone like my husband. He amazes me each and every day, and I never thought someone could make me so happy. Sometimes I wonder when he is gonna wake up and realize he is married to a big dork!
  6. This blog is one of the only reasons I made it through the first year after losing MJ. I know I don't post a lot anymore, but I am constantly thinking of posts I would like to write! If only there could be a few more hours in each day!
  7. I always thought that I would want to love someplace warm and never experience snow again. But I actually missed snow this year. We didn't get any in Kansas until last week, and I was really sad for awhile. Although now that it is here, I am ready for it to go!
And the Awards Go To
Love all of you ladies and am SO happy that I found your blogs!
  1. Devon at Life as We Know It
  2. Stephanie at Carried Through Grief
  3. Desiree at Journey to Motherhood
  4. Christy at Almost a Mother
  5. Beckie at Beckie's Infertility Journey
  6. Courtney  at Cloudy with Hope
  7. Angie at Expectation Revised
  8. Lori at Lori Does Maryland
  9. Laura at Moments of Pause
  10. Rikki at My Forever Family
  11. Brooke at Polka Dots and Ric Rac
  12. Ethans Mommy at The Story of Ethan James
  13. C at The Port of Indecision
  14. Aly at The Infertility Overachievers
  15. Trisha at Looking for Blue Sky