Wednesday, October 24, 2012


I've been thinking a lot about the seasons lately and how greatly affected I am by the changing weather. Summer used to be my favorite season, my favorite time of year. And while at times it still is, I also dread it in so many ways. Summer is when Will and MJ were born, and shortly after, MJ died. It's so hard to go through their birthday, and then subsequently MJ's death five weeks later. July and August are really the hardest. But then I remember the anticipation of their birth during that summer three and a half years ago. I was so incredibly excited to become a mother to my twins. I didn't have a clue MJ would die. We knew MJ was going to be born sick, but I truly never thought he would die. I was worried, yes, but the thought of death was largely ignored in my pregnant mind.

The Fall after MJ died was filled with pain and overwhelming grief. We tried to do out best with and for Will. We took him to a pumpkin patch; went out and about with him, and our hearts were beginning to feel again as the numbness wore off. It was both good and bad, as the pain really started to cut, but we were also able to smile and find humor again. I am finding much of the same this Fall. I am beginning to feel like I am in a really good place. I am able to say without hesitation that I am happy. I look back at the past three years and am feeling like we are on the upswing of healing, rather than the downfall of horrid pain. And it amazes me how many times I have thought and felt that. I suppose I always will, as this grief thing is ever changing and will take a lifetime to figure out. I suppose I never will actually figure it out, though. At time I can't believe its been three years, and at times it seems like its been forever.

Spring was a new beginning for us the year after MJ died. We had decided to start trying to have another baby. I stopped breastfeeding, and we waited for my period to come so we could start to try. It didn't come, and we were surprised. I was surprised. I truly thought there was no way we would have to go through fertility treatments again after all we'd been through. I was wrong, very wrong. For some reason I just thought there was no way we'd be exposed to so much pain again. We were. But we were still healing. And then summer came.

That summer we were starting to come on the first year birthday for Will, and MJ's first anniversary. It hurt and was harder to go through then I ever thought. I felt that year as though I was reliving each and every moment again, with each day passing. I think I was numb on Will's birthday. We made that day all about him, and you'd never know from the pictures. Their birthday has to be about Will. It is the only way to do it in our minds, so July 25 is always a happy birthday that celebrates Will. But I cannot lie. Those early morning moments when I think about how we should have two little boys to celebrate hurt. A lot. The pain sears right to my core time and time again that day. And those horrible days in between July 25 and August 29 are just as worse. I think of it as my 'limbo' period. Those 5 short weeks that MJ was once alive, and then it all crashes down on August 29.

Then the seasons change and our hearts feel better. Fall seems as if it is a new beginning, and we start to feel better again, maybe better than the year before.

It's amazing how each year, each season can have such an effect on my grieving heart. Alas, this is my life, and slowly I am getting used to the changing emotions that come as the leaves fall, snow comes, buds emerge, or the sun brightens.