Sunday, July 8, 2012

Almost Three Years

I really cannot believe that its been almost three years since our boys were born. Will has turned into quite an amazing little boy. As always, and lately even more, I am missing MJ. This year seems to be harder than the last one. Their first birthday I am pretty sure I was still numb, although I didn't think so at the time. Last year I was pregnant with our baby girl Maci (who was born healthy! in January), and I think I was so scared those nine months I couldn't really think about anything else. This year sometimes it feels like its hit me full force in the face that one of my twins is gone.

We were gonna throw a big kid party for Will this year, but emotionally I just can't do it. So instead of a big party I think we are just gonna have a small BBQ at our house, like in the year's past, but not as big, I just can't do it this year.

It has been incredibly way too long since I have blogged. SO MUCH has happened. As I mentioned earlier my beautiful baby girl Maci Jayne was born on January 13, 2012. She was a whopping 9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. She was everything I could have imagined and more. Her pregnancy and birth were so peaceful, just like it should be. I didn't know how much I needed her until she was here. I feel as though I am truly able to love wholely again. I feel like we've come full circle in the aspect that we are able to move forward in our lives and give to our kids what we've always wanted. As almost six months she is rolling over both ways, a big baby girl and just so incredibly full of love. Will is an amazing big brother. He loves her so much, sometimes its heart wrenching to see. I wish I could see him with MJ, and see how two little boys would love their sister so much.

Will is starting to understand that MJ is his twin, a brother who should be here, but is not. This is new territory for us and one that I am not quite ready for. A few weeks ago he was crying and told me he was sad because MJ was not here and he missed him very much. We are bringing him to a grief support meeting at Children's Mercy in two weeks for siblings. They start them at age 3 and its really perfect timing.

Each day, every moment I miss MJ more. I didn't think it was possible to miss him more each day, but that is how life is. I am learning to live without him. Each day and each experience is something new, and another moment without him.

When Maci was just two months old we bought a house. We left our townhouse that we were supposed to bring our twins home to. That was hard leaving, but this new house is so wonderful for us. We are really happy here. Our hearts and arms are almost full. One little boy will always be missing.