Sunday, February 27, 2011

A Little Bit of Normalcy (well, my normalcy)

So this week we've gained a little bit of normalcy back. I've had a normal work week, I've stopped bleeding, and I have already lost 3 pounds of the 20 I want to lose before starting fertility treatments again. And today I started working out again, and this weekend I actually really cleaned my house. The emotions of the past six weeks have kind of left the house pretty unorganized and badly needing a good scrubbing!

It feels good to feel good again. I didn't realize how much the bleeding for three weeks took out of me - mentally and physically.

But is has been pretty hard emotionally. The miscarriage brought back a lot of the emotions of losing MJ. I was surprised, really, how much it reminded me and brought back the memories and emotions of saying goodbye to him again. The D&C wasn't that bad, I actually almost wish that I would have elected to do the D&C initially, rather then wait to miscarry naturally. But I was SO scared of the complications and risk factors of a D&C. Before I went in for the D&C I made sure that if I was the one in a million that would have to have a hysterectomy, that they would save my ovaries, thus saving my eggs. Then I started worrying about how we would afford a surrogate. Yeah, my mind was running on crazy that day. I am so glad it went smoothly.

I have really been focused on enjoying life the past week. Enjoying my husband, enjoying my Will, and really truly trying to appreciate life. But its hard. Today we took Will to the circus and I thought about how we really should be juggling two toddlers, instead of just one. Will was on my lap, and Willie's lap seemed so empty. Wherever we go, MJ is missed, but today seemed so much worse then normal. We enjoyed the circus, we really did, but I just really missed MJ today.

Slowly but surely we are healing and moving forward. The process seems much easier then losing MJ, but it still hurts. I think that when we start TTC again it will bring up a lot of fears. So for now, while we are focused on healing, we really are. But I know grief and I know that the emotions will come back, and probably worse if we are lucky enough to become pregnant again. I feel that I will bring home a rainbow, but I have no idea what kind of timeframe God has planned for us. Whatever it may be, for the moment I am content with that. I want to enjoy and cherish the moments with Will, instead of burrow in my own sorrow. I feel like I missed so much of him as a baby because I was so wrapped up in my own grief, and then I felt it all over again in the middle of the miscarriage saga. But I am ready to heal and ready to 'be there' for each and every moment. And on the note, I am going to help my husband tickle my little monster.