Fustration

So this miscarriage hasn't happened yet. I HATE that I have to just wait for it to happen. If I don't have it by Valentines Day I have to go in for a D&C. I really DON"T want for that to happen. So as much as I don't want it to happen, I really hope that things start to happen quickly. I feel like once we get over this hump, then the healing can begin.

It feels like I am in limbo, in between pregnant and no longer pregnant. Where do I fall? Obviously I am not pregnant, but I still have a pregnancy in me. I am so glad today is Friday and I can have the weekend to relax. (Although I do have to work 2 hours tomorrow.)

I am ready to start the healing and then have a game plan of when we can try again. I totally feel like we are starting over from square one and who knows how long it will take us to get pregnant again. The first time (for Will and MJ) it took us almost a year and a half, this time it took us a year. So maybe we'll get lucky and shoot for six months? Obviously I hope it happens sooner for us, but I have to be realistic here, it probably will be another year or so. I am so not ready for this battle with infertility to start over again. So I guess its a good thing that we have to wait at least two cycles before starting fertility treatments again.

It will give us time to heal and time to prepare ourselves for the next year in our life. Am I ready for another year long battle and monthly disappointment in our quest to build our family? The answer is no, but I will do anything to bring a healthy baby home. There is nothing that I would want more in life then to have a bunch of kids running around me causing chaos. Sometimes it seems as though that dream is fading away with each day. Willie and I have talked about having at least three to four babies to raise here on Earth. With this miscarriage I am so scared that all we will have is Will. MJ will forever be in our hearts, and this baby will forever be missed. When will our happy ending come? Will our happy ending come? I guess I really don't know and all I can do is wait for life to happen and dreams to either come true or fade away.

I'll never know why God has chosen such a hard life for us, I'll never know why two of my babies are in Heaven. I hope and I pray each day that God will bless us with another life; another baby; another miracle for us to love and cherish. But right now I am not really sure if that is in the cards for us. We'll keep trying, we'll spend whatever it takes, and hopefully one day, we'll bring home another healthy baby. . . . .