Friday, August 23, 2013

My Terms?

I feel like lately I have been thinking of my grief as something I want to go through on my terms. I am generally able to get through each day and be very happy with where I am at in this crazy thing called life. MJ is always on my mind, but life is so busy that the acceptance of life without MJ is there. But I do consider this differently than accepting his death.

Basically what I'm saying is that I have accepted my life without my son, but I am not anywhere near accepting all that entails his death. And now that I have put it out there it kinda doesn't make sense. But to me it still does!

Shortly after MJ died my husband and I decided that their birthday was Will's day. It's the only way we could see celebrating it. Will deserves an incredibly happy and love filled day that truly celebrates him.

S, on the boys' birthday a few weeks ago I had to call the pediatrician office to reschedule an appointment for Maci and make one for Will. After I got through the phone call the receptionist said, 'And did you want to make an appointment for Michael today, too?'

And I lost my breathe and barely whispered a 'Um, no'. She said okay and ended the phone call. And I couldn't control the tears. Why, why?! On all days for them to ask me that question. We've been with the same office for four years and never once have they made that mistake. They never even saw MJ- he never came home from the hospital!! But somehow he has a record there and I get asked if I need to make an appointment for him.

I cried for a good 10-15 minutes in front of my newish coworker at my newish job because we share an office. Bless her amazing heart she greatly encouraged me to take the rest of the day off and allow myself to grieve.

But this wasn't my plan. And as stubborn as I am I stayed and finished out the day. I wanted to grieve on my terms. I wanted to tuck my grief and the tears away in a neat little corner I have managed to make for myself and keep it there. I wanted my plan of only celebrating Will on my twins birthday to work.

And once again, like so many other times, I've realized that grief just doesn't care about boundaries or neat little corners to places to manage it. Grief is forever. Grief is a lifetime and it sneaks up on you when you least expect it to. 'My terms' exist only in my mind when the few times it works for me actually happen. Is this part of the acceptance that I haven't yet manifested yet? Maybe. Or is this a new level of grief that I don't even know of. Maybe.

Next week will mark four years since I last held MJ as he took his last breathes. Four years seems like a lifetime and a millisecond all at one. I don't want that anniversary to come, yet I do all in the same time.