Tomorrow is gonna be hard.

MJ's twin, Will is going to have surgery. It's a minor surgery, and we may not even need to stay in over night. He has a hernia in his groin that needs to be repaired. It's something that he was born with and didn't pop out until a few weeks ago. It should be a piece of cake.

When we saw the pediatrician and he said that Will would need surgery I basically lost it right there in the room. The thought of having to sign for another surgery for one of my babies just crushed me. In MJ's short 35 days, he had three surgeries, and each one got harder. He had one surgery to be hooked up to the ECMO machine (where they actually hook up cannula's to his corotad (sp?) artery to take his blood out of his body, pump it through a machine to oxygenate it, and then pump it back into his body), one surgery to fix his diaphragm and move all of his stomach organs out of his chest cavity, and one surgery to be disconnected from the ECMO machine. I remember signing for MJ's last surgery and walking out of the operating room and just feeling crushed. How on Earth could my little tiny baby endure so much in such a short amount of time? We lost MJ four days after his last surgery.

And not only do we have to go through another surgery, but it's for a hernia. The words hernia and surgery mean horrible things to me. The words hernia, and surgery relating to one of my babies means this to me:

Can you find MJ? He is in the middle behind the bears.

This is the what we walked into each day as we sat by MJ's side, fighting with him. The day before his hernia repair surgery he was placed on this makeshift bed on the operating table. He was 16 days old. The only time he left this table thereafter was to be placed in my arms for me to hold for the first and last time. This is what hernia and surgery mean to me. Somehow, I can't help but blame my own inadequacies for the hernia's in both of my sons. Will is lucky enough to have a hernia in his groin, and MJ had one in his diaphragm. If both of my boys have them, then they must be related, right? And if they are related, then it must be something to do with me and my body.

I don't know if I am right or wrong, but I know that tomorrow as I have to for the fourth time hand my baby over to a doctor so he can operate on him, I'm gonna be a wreck. I hope that tomorrow goes smoothly and we do not have to stay the night. I hope that Will doesn't feel any pain, and that his brother will be right by his side throughout everything. And if you pray, it would mean a whole lot to me if you would think about Will tomorrow morning.

Sweet Little Moments

We got Will's nine month pictures taken last night. These moments are always so bittersweet for me. While I love getting those pictures and showing them off, these little milestones are one of the biggest reminders that there should be two little boys in those pictures, not just one.

We always have Will photographed with something of MJ's when we take him to get photos done. It's always hard, but for some reason I thought it would be a little easier this time. Yesterday was the third time we have taken Will for these milestone photos.

This time we brought along one of MJ's teddy bears. . .

Seeing Will play with this teddy bear, it just really got to me. I literally just broke down right at JC Penny. I remember when MJ got this bear. He got it just before his surgery. We got word that his surgery was planned, and so my dad drove down from Chicago with it. I remember so many things about this bear, and seeing Will with it just brought everything back. It's crazy how one minute I can be fawning over Will, excited because he looks just too darn cute getting his picture taken, and then a sweet little moment like the one above happens, and I feel literally as though I am swooshed into the past. I remember walking into the operating room they had set up for MJ overnight. You see, MJ was so critical that they didn't feel as though he could handle being moved to another floor where they do surgeries at. For babies like MJ, the NICU has a makeshift operating room, and the night before his surgery they moved him there. I remember feeling as though we were at the top of the hill, making our way down the hill and on to bringing him home. In mind, if he could survive his surgery, he had already done the hardest part. It never crossed my mind that MJ's battle would be too much for him to overcome.

I wish so badly that Will was playing with MJ, not MJ's teddy bear. Sweet little moments from my sweet little baby: they bring so much heartache. But the heartache is good, the pain is the reminder that it was all real. That I did have two tiny babies, that I am a mother of twins, and that my love for my son transcends death.

What a Wild Week!

I know I haven't posted in forever, but this week has just been very nuts for me. To start off, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone that voted for us and helped us win the Pepsi Refresh Everything Grant for $25,000!!!! We are still unofficial, as we are in a two week confirmation stage. Basically, Pepsi wants to make sure that we are a legit organization. After all, they aren't just going to shell out $25,000 to just anyone! I have been working on paperwork all weekend once they announced the winners Saturday morning - but I am SO glad to do it. Not only did we place in the Top Ten, we acutally placed FIRST out of all of the projects going for $25,000, which I think was around 500. I just can't believe it - it is such an honor to be able to carry out our mission! So once again, THANK YOU.

So back to my crazy past few days. Thursday was eight months since we lost MJ. Every month, when that number of months get bigger, it gets harder. Emotionally is just a lot for me to take in. It seems like it always takes me a few days to recover from going through all of the emotions of losing him again. I just ache and ache for my son. And those anniversary days make the ache worse. And even though its hard, and I cry and the pain is very, very real. It's a good thing. It makes me feel close to MJ. It makes me remember him and every little thing about him. Its how I know that I will never, ever forget him. Nor will I ever stop loving him.

So after an emotionally charged Thursday, Friday came and was the last day of voting. And I couldn't believe that we kept moving UP! We finished the voting in the top place, which really, just still amazes me.

Saturday morning we got up and headed out to Kansas City for the March of Dimes walk. We walked with Team Lillian. Lillian is the daughter of friends of ours. She was born at 24 weeks gestation and has been in the hospital for about two months. She has faced a lot of battles, but seems to be doing well and is one the right track to coming home. Lillian has a twin, Addilyn that passed away at 21 weeks gestation. We brought along 5 balloons that we walked with, one balloon for each week that MJ lived. At the end of the walk we released them. Here are a few photos from the walk. . .

Team Lillian

Releasing Balloons for MJ

Right after we did the walk, we headed over the Children's Mercy Hospital, where MJ lived, and donated 30 more care packages. We are so blessed to be able to do this in MJ's name. It means so much to us, I really just can't explain it. And, at the same time we are doing this for the families who were in the same situation for us. 

Willie with 30 PSP Bags!

Donating the Bags

After getting home on Saturday, we have been working so hard on the Pepsi Grant Paperwork. We are getting a lot of help figuring it all out from Pepsi, and we have a small amount of time to get it done in. But the work is completely worth it, and I couldn't be happier to do it.