So Many Thoughts

These last few days have been really hard for me for some reason. I don't know why, but I feel like everything is hitting me all over again. I watched MJ's video again, went through those final moments and days and asked myself the killer question: why? Why did my son have to die? Why must I go through everything in life that God has asked me to?

There are so many questions and not enough answers. I don't know why MJ died and I never will. I will never know why God has chosen the life that He has for me. I look at those around me and sometimes I think that man, I would love to have that life. I would love to worry about stupid pointless things and actually care enough to vote. It all seems so pointless to me. Why worry or care about things as pointless as who wins an election? I bear the pain of losing my son each and every day and in each and every way. Sometimes I feel like I have lost all hope in being happy again. Don't get me wrong, I smile, I  laugh, my living son brings me an immeasurable amount of joy. But losing MJ and now dealing with Secondary Infertility has really brought some heaviness to my heart.

And with the holidays quickly approaching the days seem to get harder and harder. Last year Willie and I did our very best to 'skip' Christmas. We didn't buy any gifts, we didn't decorate our house, we simply went through the days trying as best we could to hold life together. This year is different. I want to give Will a wonderful Christmas and be able to actually enjoy the holiday. We are having Christmas at our house this year - a first for us. I already have a list for Will and we have already started purchasing things for him. I think I somehow want to make up for his lack of a first christmas. (I even asked everyone to not buy anything that said 'Baby's First Christmas' on it. We have already decided what we are going to do for MJ for Christmas as well. We are buying him a brick at our local zoo, to be placed near the children's petting zoo. We also plan on having Will's birthday party there next year.

So it's all planned out, and now the emotions are coming and the tears have definetly been flowing today. It's really hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that Aunt Flow came on Saturday, three days late to it really had me thinking something good was going to happen for once. This month we are taking it off of fertility medication. And next month we will do our first round of IUI. Our insurance covers $0 of fertility treatment, so its going to cost around $1,000 each month to do. I really hope that IUI will work and we will have our rainbow baby on the way. We really don't have a whole lot of money to be able to do more then two, maybe three rounds of IUI. Maybe, just maybe we will get lucky and it will happen on our first round. Our RE thinks we have an 'excellent' chance of becoming pregnant. So hopefully she is right and it won't be too hard or costly. But I would give every dollar I had for a baby right now. That's what gets me too, so much. I would literally give my life to have been able to save MJ and I couldn't. And there are so many people who complain about there kids or say they can't handle another one because it would be too costly or this or that. What I wouldn't give to be able to just become pregnant.

I have this fantasy where we become pregnant again, have a healthy baby and six weeks later find out we are pregnant again on 'accident'. I would LOVE to wake up one morning and think, oh my god, I might be pregnant and actually be. I would LOVE to take a test and have it be positive. I have literally no idea how people get pregnant on accident. The idea of an accidental pregnancy simply astonishs me. It's almost mystifying to me, really. But it happens, and it has happened to a lot of people that I know. And again, I wonder why God has chosen me for this path of heartache and pain, when other people are chosen for and ease of a life. (Or at least what I consider to be ease.) I know they may not think its easy, but then again, they have never had to say goodbye to their child.

So I know that I haven't posted in awhile, I just guess I don't really have anything to say. I miss MJ, as always, and things are starting to get better, but then at the same time things are just as bad as every, or they get worse. I never know my feelings I guess!
I read a quote today that really resonated with me. It goes Healing from the death of your child is much like wisdom; it can't be forced, yet it comes upon you if you let it....~ Dr. Tom Frantz, Advisory Member, TCF, Buffalo, NY

So maybe I guess what I am trying to say is that I am healing. I can't force it to happen, it just has to. And just like healing from physical pain, the emotional pain will have its ups and downs. At times I feel good and at times when I try to do too much, the pain comes ripping through me and I feel like I am back where I started, in those awful, painful weeks following the death of my son. But its getting better. It will never be 'all good', it will always be painful, and the scar will always last, but I am getting by. Day by day, week by week, and month by month, it is getting better.

We met with our RE a few weeks ago and have a plan to try and get pregnant again. But that will be very expensive, and it is honestly money that we do not have. So we are saving money and our goal is to start with IUI in January. Our RE thinks we have an excellent chance of getting pregnant again - we just need the money to do so and hopefully we will soon have our rainbow.

Patches the Bear Comes for a Visit

Patches the Bear has come for a visit! Patches has gone around Canada and the United States 'patching' up hearts one at a time. I am so happy that he has come and visit me! Patches came just before I left for New Orleans to visit my very good friends (who also happen to be babylost mommas - both of their babies were born with CDH, the same birth defect as MJ). It was a wonderful visit and Patches kept MJ company while we were gone! Here is Patches with MJ's ashes, the teddy bear that was always by his bedside, the figurine made for us by the Midnight Orange, and the beautiful pendant Beckie from Beckie's Infertility Journey sent me.

After we got home, Patches hung out with the portrait we had commissioned after we lost MJ. We never had any pictures of our boys together without MJ intubated until after we lost him. I love this picture of them, it makes me think of how amazing it would have been to have both of them together, healthy and whole.

Patches then hung out a little with Will, MJ's twin in his crib.

The poem on the pillow reads:

You have this twin brother,
He loves you very much,
But you'll never get to see him,
Or feel his gentle touch

He had to go away you see,
Through God's Garden gates,
Though he longs to meet you,
Heaven's where he waits

You have this twin brother,
He's sending you his love,
Although he longs to be with you,
He watches from above,

He grew his Angel wings you see,
Through none of us were ready,
On one of Heaven's clouds he sleeps,
Cuddling his teddy

You have this twin brother,
He'd love to come and play,
But for all eternity
In the sky is where he'll stay

God had a plan you see,
He needs him by his side,
He's shown him how to use his wings
Through Heaven's clouds he glides

You have this twin brother,
And though you are apart,
The love that you feel for him,
Will remain forever in your heart.

I don't think I need to explain what that poem means to me. I don't know who wrote it, it was sent to me.

Patches is now watching over Will as he sleeps. He will be mailed out hopefully tomorrow to his next stop. We have not been able to take MJ's name down off of the wall in their room just yet. We keep saying that we need to, but we have just not yet had it in our hearts to do so. So Patches is watching over Will resting in MJ's name . . . .

Farewll Patches! You will be missed in our household, but we know that you will be busy comforting so many other families in your journey.