A Love/Hate Relationship

Today we made the hour long trek to Children's Mercy Hospital, just as we did a little over a year ago. But this time we made remembered MJ and his fight, instead of sitting beside him, holding his hand and praying for God to spare his life. Children's Mercy has their annual Memorial Service for all of the children and babies that have lost their battles. There was even a butterfly release:

As we were leaving I realized that I have a love/hate relationship with things like this. On one hand, I am so thankful for an opportunity like this to remember MJ and experience something so beautiful. The pain I felt today, was a good pain, it was a pain that allowed me to grieve. So many days things are so busy in my life, that I just never have time to cry and just grieve. Or I put off my feelings attempting to protect my heart. But today was different, I could cry and grieve and it was all okay. It was so beautiful, being with so many parents that have gone through what we went through, and being able to remember our babies.

But at the same time I hate it. I hate that we have to participate in a Memorial Ceremony instead of having bliss with both of our babies. I was sitting there today and just thinking, oh beautiful it was, and how much I really didn't want to be there at the same time.

Throughout the continuous tears during the ceremony Will was just so awesome. It was like he knew when I just needed him to cuddle, and when I needed him to make me laugh. He is not normally very cuddly lately, as it seems like all he wants to do it run around - he has a ton of energy! But as soon as the service started he just wanted to cuddle in my lap. That hour or so was really a reflection of the past year. Having Will, MJ's twin, to raise in the aftermath of MJ's death did not make losing MJ any easier (as so many people like to point out that I have Will, so I should be happy with him). What Will has done for me is make me smile through my tears and my heartache. He lifts me up when I am down, and makes me laugh when I need it. He gives me a reason to not just get up and out of bed each day, but to live and enjoy life.

                                                       My sweet little Monkey Man

During the ceremony today there was a beautiful song played called Godspeed, (Sweet Dreams). I find great comfort in the lyrics of so many songs and poems, and this is another one to add to my list. It is written by the Dixie Chicks, and part of the song goes:

Godspeed, little one
Sweet dreams, little one
Oh, my love will fly
to you each night
on angels wings
Godspeed, sweet dreams.

Part of the ceremony included a quilt dedication. Throughout the halls of the hospital quilts are hung , each with a square for a child that passed away at Chilren's Mercy. We made a square for MJ and submitted it today. It will be dedicated next year at the Memorial Service, but here is a picture of it: