Bad Few Days

The really heavy bleeding started last night and has continued to this morning. I was up at least every hour last night dealing with it and the cramping that has come along with this miscarriage. I decided to take today off of work, I feel like it would have been just way too hard deal with amount of bleeding and the pain from the cramps at work. I thought about it really hard, though. Part of me wants to move forward and simply deal with all of this, but the other part of me wants to fall apart a little.

While falling apart is pretty appealing and all, I am simply sick of feeling sorry for myself. I want to grieve, I want to heal, but I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Thats why a part of me wanted to go to work, but the physical part of this miscarriage would have been WAY to much to deal with. I am laying in bed all day with a towel underneath me in case I can't make it to the bathroom in time when I have a huge gush come (sorry if TMI). It would never have worked at work. So I am happy I am home dealing with losing the last bits of this baby and this pregnancy.

We'll work through it, just like we always do. The emotional pain of this miscarriage cannot compare to losing MJ. Losing MJ was and is the worst loss that a parent can ever deal with. Its a fight each and every day, and I don't anticipate that with this miscarriage. I will always mis this baby, I will always think of this baby, but its just not like losing MJ. We've been through worse, so we know how to handle this. Which is awful, we shouldn't know the pain of losing MJ, nor should we know this pain.

Right now moving forward is at a standstill. I gotta get through the miscarriage first. No matter how hard I want to start moving forward and starting to grieve, I am still in the thick of the pain. I am still losing this baby, and its a painful loss, both emotionally and physically. I am not ready to grieve, I am not ready to move forward. I am hoping soon for closure, which would mean the end of this miscarriage.