Three

I can't believe its been almost three years since I held him for the very first and very last time. This year is much harder than last. I'm not quite sure why, but the pain that makes me want to double over and sob has frequented me many times the past few weeks.

So many, many moments lately I have been thinking about life with twin three year olds and a seven month old baby girl. But that is not my life. I just can't seem to fathom how it would be if MJ lived. And that really breaks my heart.

Three years. It seems so long and so short all at the same time. There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back, even for just one day, one moment to see him again. My mind is quite messed up lately it seems. It seems so 'normal' to me to have a son who died. And at the same time, the concept seems to strange. All at the same time. I think I will forever feel this tormented. Nothing will ever seem quite perfect ever again. I am okay with that. I am okay with missing MJ for the rest of my life.

I just wish I could have a few moments every now and again when the pain is almost too much to bare to have him again. It would make it all seem so much easier. Though I know it will never be. . .