Clarity

Last night I couldn't sleep and for some reason or another, I had a yearning to go through all of MJ's things. So at midnight last night, I looked at some pictures and touched his things and I read every card, cried and sobbed as I looked through each item of his and when I was done, I had a feeling of overwhelming comfort. It's ironic, really, when you think about it. Going through his things, reading the cards that people sent us when we lost him, I thought it would make my longing for him greater, but instead it brought me a great sense of peace and clarity. I know that MJ is in Heaven, I know that he has a greater purpose on the Earth, and that purpose is not yet complete, nor do I know what it is an its entirety. I know that part of his purpose was for us to find the amazing friends, who have become family to us, and give other families the touch of comfort they need through MJ's Memories. But I feel as though his greatest purpose is still yet to come. What it is, I do not know yet, but I truly feel as though my son will have part in something amazing and wonderful. And maybe I will never know that purpose is, but as his mother I feel this amazing connection with him still. It's a bond that can never be broken, that of a mother and child, and even though he is gone, I can still feel it.

So as I was going through all of his things, part of me wishes that we would have waited to put them away after we lost him. Part of me wishes that we would have simply left everything the way it was, and just shut the door to his room and grieve, I mean really truly grieve before we put away his things. But for a multitude of reasons, namely being this little man below, we couldn't.

We had to go through everything and pack it all up just 10 days after we lost him. We had Will that was just a newborn himself and although we were amazingly devastated, we had to be parents and give Will every ounce of energy we had. And we did. We faked it, we smiled through out tears, and we sobbed at night and we tried to give him as happy a babyhood as we could have.

Just now, 10 and half months after we lost MJ, do I feel as though I have some clarity on his death and his life. It's the clarity that makes me able to smile when I remember the memories that we so cherish. The clarity that enables me to believe that something beautiful has come out of something tragic. For so long we have been trying to get pregnant again. I so wanted to be able to believe that although we have been through the worst thing anyone could ever imagine, something beautiful can happen in its aftermath. For so long I wanted that beautiful thing to be a peaceful, beautiful pregnancy ending with a healthy baby. And while I still long to be pregnant again and be able to achieve a new hope that only a parent of an angel can have, I know that something beautiful has already happened.

It's the friendships that I have made and the support that I am able to give to other families. If MJ would have survived, we more then likely never would have joined Project Sweet Peas and we never would have met the amazing women that I am lucky to call my friends. In the aftermath of losing MJ and being completely absorbed with my grief, I lost a lot of friends and family. I haven't even spoken with two of my bridesmaids since we lost MJ. (Kind of pathetic, huh?) I realize friendship is a two way street, but at the same time, a phone call would have been nice when I was so completely devastated I could hardly do anything. The girls from PSP and a few others (you know who you are!) have helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life. While I will never feel completely whole again, I am starting to feel not so broken. I know that I can pick up the phone to anyone of them, at anytime, and it feels as though I have known them my entire life. And you wouldn't believe that I have only met two of them - and just a few weeks ago!

It's starting to feel as though the cloud is starting to lift and I can live again. I am so thankful for that. Tomorrow I start my second round of the fertility drug chlomid. The first round simply didn't work so we are doubling my dosage. I hope this works! While I thought I was ready for another pregnancy a long time ago, I am thankful for unanswered prayers. I finally have the clarity to truly appreciate what it will mean to be pregnant again, and I know that I have the support of some truly amazing people who I am honored to call my friends.