Sunday, September 12, 2010

Someone Else's Star

As Fall approaches and the weather changes and the days get cooler and shorter, I simply cannot believe how long its been since we said goodbye to MJ. Its very hard to believe that this time last year we were left to pick up the pieces. Our families said goodbye (mine to the Chicago area, and a sister in NY, and Willie's to Nevada, but thankfully one of my sister's lives only an hour away), and slowley but surely the calls to see how we were doing stopped, and the friends faded away with time. We were heartbroken and lost. Completely and utterly lost.

I swear I don't remember anything that happened during the first month or so after MJ died. Willie was planing on coaching the freshman football team at the school he works at, but when we realized how sick MJ was, he had to step down. He simply couldn't bear to be coaching football while his son was fighting for his life each and every day. After we lost MJ, the other coaches told him that if he wanted to come to the games and help coach, he still could. About three weeks after MJ died, Willie decided he wanted to go to the games and help out. I thought it was a good idea, it would get our minds off of everything for awhile, and it would get me out of the house, I was still off of work for awhile, and Willie headed back already. I am friends with another one of the coaches wives, and so I called her and we planned on meeting up at the game. I had never met any of the other wives, and so we were all introduced Throughout the game, we small talk chatted, and one of them was talking to me and saying how cute Will was and I said, well, he's a twin, and his twin passed away. She said she knew and she was so sorry. Then she said she just couldn't believe that I was out and at the game. She said she couldn't imagine doing what I was doing. My reaction was like, how am I supposed to be? Explain to me how I am supposed to live, and how we are to go on. It was my first realization that unless you have lost a child, you will simply never understand. Life has to go on. Life does go on. With or without you. While all I wanted to do was fall apart and completely check out of life, I simply could not. I had to go on, I had to get up each day, and get dressed, and go to work and take care of the baby that I had in my arms. I still am utterly surprised at how things have played out the past year. I don't talk to many friends that I had prior to losing MJ. Things with some of my family have disgusted me entirely. I no longer care about so many things. One family member remarked on how I am no longer the happy, bubbly girl that I had always been. Um, really? How on Earth would you expect me to be? My son died, dammit!

My entire life is filled with bittersweet moments. Every smile, every joy, everything will forever be cracked, I will never fully smile, and my heart will never fully recover. There will never be anymore complete family pictures. Sometimes I can't believe how far I have come in the past year, and at other times I feel as though I have pushed my grief aside and never truly dealt with MJ's death. I have talked with many other parents who have lost their own children, and the consensus seems to be seven years. I takes about seven year for the pain to lessen, and for life to not seem so bad. While it never truly goes away, seven years seems to make it more bearable.

We are still waiting for our rainbow, waiting for life's blows to lessen, and for things to start to fall into place or us. We are still trying to conceive again. I've just about lost hope that that's going to happen. I'm in the middle of my fourth month of fertility medicine and I just feel like we should be happy with what we have been given, and stop wishing for things to go right. It's so hard because its that time in our life when so many of our friends and family are getting pregnant and having healthy babies. Some days I feel like I hate facebook, seeing so many new family pictures and stupid sonogram photos. And each month I fall apart just a little more when it doesn't happen. I heard the song 'Someone Else's Star' by Bryan White the other day, and I can so closely relate to this right now. The lyrics go .  . . .

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star


butterflymom said...

What a beautiful post, Megan. I truly hope that it doesn't take seven years for the pain to lessen...that is a long time to be so sad. I will wish upon a star for you, your family and a rainbow baby. Hugs you.

Lori said...

xoxoxoxo Wishing and praying for and with you....

With Out My Punkin said...

I can relate to a lot of what you said! I feel like its still Nov 08... things go on w. or w. out you unfortunately. Hoping that your rainbow is on the horizon.