Sunday, November 4, 2012

Where I'm At

It's been almost three and a half years since we said hello and goodbye to MJ over the course of 35 days. Looking back it feels like we simply watched him die over five weeks that summer in 2009. It's hard. Oh. So. Hard.

So many people simply cannot imagine, for that I am thankful there are so few people who really get us, and what we've been through. But then again it is incredibly hard to relay the people we have emerged to become in the wake of intense grief and mourning. I feel alive again. For the first time in a long time, I feel alive. After the birth of Maci I was in a blissful bubble for awhile. I was SO incredibly thankful and amazed she was here, and alive, and healthy. I spent my entire pregnancy with her fearing she'd never live to come home. I planned her funeral in my head many, many times over. Having her here, in my arms and alive was pure bliss for the first six months of her life or so.

Then summer came and the boys' third birthday. For a long time I had decided there would be no birthday party for Will this year. I didn't think I could really handle it. This birthday was so much harder than last. The pain was much more intense this summer. Then the end of August came, and the anniversary of when MJ died. September was a really hard month for me. Willie and I had an incredibly busy summer (Maci had been to California, New York, Chicago, and St. Louis by the time she was 8 months old!) and we needed life to calm down. In the middle of our craziness my grief intensified and by September I had nothing left to give. I shut down and took it out on my husband. Thankfully, I married a pretty awesome guy and he loved me through it. September was our roughest month as a couple. I am so thankful we are on the other side of that. I am leveling off, and my grief it not so intense. I always, always ache for MJ, but not as intensely as I did this summer.

Things are still hard though. No one will ever quite 'get' us. And that is coming through more and more lately. We are whole heartedly different people then we ever thought we would be. We grieve differently then most people do, too I guess. We strive to keep MJ in our daily lives as much as possible. We talk about him, show his pictures to Will and Maci, and make sure he has special days, just like our other children do.

But for some reason that is getting harder and harder to do for MJ. Not for us, but for people around us. It hurts, a lot to realize that his existence is slowly fading. It won't ever fade for me, at least I never plan on it. We were told recently we needed to start moving on, and letting go. I can't and I won't. Its very simple for me. I have three children. I will do everything and anything for each of them. Those people who tell us those things, or who compare our loss to the loss of parents, friends, or other family members hurt us beyond anything they could imagine. Its not the same. I may sound harsh and probably a little jaded. But having my son DIE IN MY ARMS is not, and can never be compared to the loss of a parent, or friend, or aunt, or uncle. I hate that we've been told its the same. I hate that people think they get it when they never even met MJ.

So where am I at? I am happy, for the first time in a long time I am happy. But I also have a broken heart. Will and Maci have helped me heal in ways I could never explain. But I am forever scarred, and MJ is worth that. My son is worth and was worth the pain each and every day. I have found a way to live with it, and yet it still breaks my hear that others think I need to forget. Maybe one day I'll have the strength to say screw 'em and what they think. I'm not there yet. Each and every day I am getting better, healing more, but missing my son more at the same time. That's where I'm at.