Sunday, December 30, 2012

The End of Another Year

When 2009 ended and 2010 came to a start, I remember feeling so devastated that the year that MJ lived and died was ending. It hit me much harder than the holidays, I think mostly because I expected the holidays to be bad, but never expected the start of a new year to be bad. Now, the end of the year and the start of the new one always brings back some of those memories.

It is very hard to believe that 2013 will bring four years since I last held my son. Part of me wishes it was just yesterday and I could jump back into that horrible, smokey grief again. I feel for the most part I am in a really good place, with moments (sometimes lots of moments) of the horrible pain. But that pain makes me feel so close to MJ. For some reason, the worse the pain the more connected I am to MJ. I think that it because I relate the pain to the moment I held him first and last.

I have worked really hard to be where I am at, to be able to provide the emotional stability for Will (MJ's twin) and now Maci. I can truly laugh and I can feel true joy again. There was a time that I never thought that was never going to be possible.

And now a part of me feels guilty that I have been able to move this far forward. Is it too soon? Have I moved forward too fast? Am I betraying MJ by being happy? I think the answer to all of those questions is no, but I guess I can't ever be sure this side of Heaven.

I know I have to let go of the guilt. But part of me feels that I can only push it down for another time, another day when I can really assess my millions of emotions. I feel like I have to. I mean literally right now Will is jumping next to me on the couch and Maci is crawling around on the floor giggling her adorable little head off chasing our dog.

Maci will be one in a few weeks. I am in shock in how fast this year has gone. In a good way. I remember this year. I have beautiful, amazing memories of the first year of my daughter's life. I don't have that with Will- all I can remember is grief. And quite obviously I don't have any memories with MJ beyond 35 days. I have had so many firsts with Maci. A newborn photo shoot at just days old, she never left my side during our entire hospital stay, amazing memories, and an entire year of breastfeeding. I wanted that so badly with my TWINS. I gave up breastfeeding Will at just six months. Emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore. I am so proud that I've been able to get this far.  But again, it just reminds me of what I missed out on when MJ was stolen from me way too soon.

I don't think I'll ever really be able to be 'normal' (whatever that is) again. And that, I have accepted. I am okay with who I am because MJ died. But I'm not okay that MJ died. If that makes sense. Sometimes every moment is bittersweet, and that's okay. Other times I absolutely hate the bittersweet and literally want to to burn in hell. Acceptance is a really funny thing. We bereaved mommas work so hard to get it, then we get it and question the hell out of it. I am sure one day I'll get to the point where I have accepted that I accepted who I am, but till that day comes I guess I'll always be who I am,


Alexis AKA MOM said...

No words can express to you my sorrow for you. My prayers are with you and I think you're amazing that you're going on and taking such great care of your children here while MJ looks over you all.

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