Who We Are Today

I've got so much to say, but then again so little to say, as well. Today we took the kids (Will and Maci) to the indoor water park in Kansas City. It was so much fun. So much so that I actually felt guilty for feeling like that. It's been a long time since I've felt guilty for feeling happy. I generally am able to avoid this. But lately its been a different type of happy. The kind of happy that I feel like dreamed of when I found out I was going to become a mother. I love, love, love seeing Will and Maci's faces light up. I love providing the type of childhood that they will remember with fond, happy, and loving memories.

So why do I feel guilty? Is it because I never thought I'd be here after MJ died? Or is it because I swore I'd never be here after MJ died? We were at the water park today and I was trying to imagine what it'd be like with MJ, too. And I couldn't really imagine it. I have no idea what raising twins would be like, yet at the same time I am a mother of twins. I have no idea how different life would be with MJ. Would we live where we live now? Would we have Maci? That's almost a question I can't ask myself. I needed Maci. I needed Maci more than I ever could have thought. If we never have another baby I'm okay with that. And that's only because of the joy and Maci has brought us. I'd like another baby, but I no longer need another baby like I needed Maci.

Our lives revolve around Will and Maci. Their needs, their wants, they are our everything. I guess maybe I am accepting that MJ isn't part of our life in that way anymore? For this reason I am so thankful for MJ's Memories. Without that MJ would really not be a huge part of our life. We are able to keep him in our life through the good we do in his name. Next month or two we'll have donated over 1,000 care packages and memory boxes to NICU families. And its all because of him and the impact he made on our life. We talk/think about MJ's Memories pretty much daily- and that allows us to say him name daily.

This year I'm thinking that I want to have a cake again on his Angel Day. I guess I need to see a cake with him name on it. I'm not sure why I need/want that, but I do. Maybe because their birthday is all about Will. It is not fair to Will to share his birthday with MJ, and so we've chosen to have that day be Will's only. And because of that we'll never have a cake that says 'Happy Birthday in Heaven MJ'. So we can have a cake on his Angel Day. And celebrate his life. All 35 days of it.

So today, who we are is quite different that who we'd ever thought we'd be back on December 8, 2008- the day we found out we were pregnant. And vastly different than who we'd thought we be on January 8, 2009- the day we found out we were having twins. We are raising a twinless twin and a rainbow baby girl. And forever missing our angel in Heaven. But really, all three are involved in our daily lives and shape our days. I love them. I miss him. My children are my world, in three very unique ways.