Monday, March 18, 2013

But I Want Them All

Today we decided to spend the day and night at CoCo Keys Water Resort in Kansas City. Willie is going out of town next week and so we wanted to do something fun with the kids, because this will be the longest they have gone without seeing him every day. (I have no idea how you military families do it!)

About half way through our first day we were sitting in the kiddie pool and look to our left to see the cutest set of twins in matching swim suits. As I always do when I see twins I immediately started to think about how I should be thankful for what I have, instead of dwell on what I don't. I was holding Maci and thinking about how hard it was to conceive her, and that she probably wouldn't be here if MJ lived.

And then I thought why am I trying to convince myself of this foolishness? I WANT them ALL I have carried four children in my womb, prayed for four children, bonded and loved deeply four children. I hold two of them in my arms today. Pretty shitty odds if you ask me. I want them all. MJ died in my arms almost four years ago. I miscarried a baby in January 2011. Why can't I have them all?

So many people, people who don't deserve the wonderful amazing children they are blessed with, don't care. And us, we'd do anything for our kids. We prayed and prayed and asked God to let us switch places with MJ. And at 35 days he slipped away and there was nothing we could do. I want them all, I don't want only half.