A Million Thoughts

July is always a hard month for me. Normally I just get so stressed and crazy that I completely break down before I realize it.

This year, I am eating my way through the month. When I have so many things going through my mind I snack. And snack. And snack. I am trying so hard to maintain the weight I've lost, and keep losing weight. Right now it just feels hopeless. And just now I am sitting on my couch trying to figure it out, and then it hit me.

It's July. The boys birthday is coming up. And instead of planning a birthday party for twins, its a party for one. And so all I want to do is eat an entire bag of chips. But tonight I won't.

We typically plan for Will's party in August so it gives us a little reprieve from their birthday month, but now I am in planning mode and going over and over what it should be. Who we should invite, and if anyone will come. My guess is it will be a small party, with just a few friends we have. We don't have any family that live within 3 states of us, so that always sucks. My parents do always come in for Will's party and that's awesome to have them. But very few other people. We've made a lot of friends through the years, which is really nice, but it will still be a small party I think.

And I have no idea where to have it. I really want it at the zoo, but Will keeps saying he wants it at a local kids indoor play gym/arcade place. All I can really think about it where would MJ want it at, but I'll never know.

Today I was driving and wondered if anyone ever thinks of my as a mother of three. Anyone who we hang out knows MJ. His pictures are up in our house, and we talk about him freely. But I wonder, when I am thought of (if I'm ever thought of) if people think Megan: mother of three. Or if they just think Megan: mother of two. It really bothers me that I don't that answer.

I have made one good friend within the last six months and she is amazing. Almost every time I see her, she makes a point to say something about MJ. She even flew all the way to Chicago to go to our annual walk for MJ's Memories. She called me to ask if she could put MJ on her finger nails when she got them manicured. I wish more people were like her, and weren't scared of talking about him or asking me about him. I wish society was more accepting like her. She's a great friend, and I am really lucky to have her.

Fifteen days and my boys will be four. Fifteen days and we'll celebrate with only one of them.

I miss you even more every day MJ.