Catching Up

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Lots of changes have happened, and all of them have generally been good.  A few months ago I got head hunted by a company and while that opportunity didn't work out, I did throw out my resume at a few places to see if anything would happen. In doing so, I got an interview and decided to make the blog private while I was going through the process. I really waivered on that decision. Part of me felt as if someone Googled me and made a decision about my work capabilities from a blog that I write about my grief, then I wouldn't want to work for them anyway. The other part of me thought that this part of my life is my private soul, and while it is an open blog, I am not even sure if anyone reads it any more. It's mainly for me. Or other grieving mommas to find and know that someday, somehow they can come out of the horrible trenches of grief and learn how to live again. I needed those blogs when I was in the trenches, I needed those women who could breathe again without the physical pain of grief. So that's why I keep it open, and that's why I had it private for a bit.

So I've been through the interview process, accepted the job, and I started this passed Monday. I am working with Medicare patients on how to better manage their own health care. I don't have a medical background, but I am super excited about the job. I already know I am going to love it. This week I have had a lot of one on ones with my new team members and learned about them and their jobs and they learned all about me. Basically it's been quite a few meetings of 'how do I break the news that I have a son that died' for me. Or do I even break it? It came up with about half my team, and other team meetings just revolved around work. I have to say that I hate this part of meeting people. I hate going through it all, the questioning in my mind, and worried if I am going to cry. I hate this part of the new life we've got without MJ.

It's almost July and that means another birthday for my boys only celebrating with one of them. My hubby asked me about party planning the other day and a big part of me just totally dreads it. While pregnant that was my worst fear- planning a birthday party for only one of my twins. Every year that nightmare just comes true and I typically do a party a few weekends after their birthday. Last year I broke down in sobs in my office. Luckily my office partner was amazing and just hugged me while I cried for a bit. My new office partner is knows about MJ, but I don't think I'll have that relationship with someone in such short of time. So I am nervous for their birthday. I won't be taking the day off, because I am taking the day that MJ died off, and my first 90 days I am not supposed to take any time off, unless I tell them ahead of being hired, and I really wanted to ask for minimal days off.

I can't believe its been almost four years. With July coming up, and so many reminders of where we were four years ago, this momma's heart is hurting. No matter the time, no matter how many years, weeks, days, or months it has been. I miss my son. I ache for my son, and grief, at times, is so overwhelming.