So I know that I haven't posted in awhile, I just guess I don't really have anything to say. I miss MJ, as always, and things are starting to get better, but then at the same time things are just as bad as every, or they get worse. I never know my feelings I guess!
I read a quote today that really resonated with me. It goes Healing from the death of your child is much like wisdom; it can't be forced, yet it comes upon you if you let it....~ Dr. Tom Frantz, Advisory Member, TCF, Buffalo, NY

So maybe I guess what I am trying to say is that I am healing. I can't force it to happen, it just has to. And just like healing from physical pain, the emotional pain will have its ups and downs. At times I feel good and at times when I try to do too much, the pain comes ripping through me and I feel like I am back where I started, in those awful, painful weeks following the death of my son. But its getting better. It will never be 'all good', it will always be painful, and the scar will always last, but I am getting by. Day by day, week by week, and month by month, it is getting better.

We met with our RE a few weeks ago and have a plan to try and get pregnant again. But that will be very expensive, and it is honestly money that we do not have. So we are saving money and our goal is to start with IUI in January. Our RE thinks we have an excellent chance of getting pregnant again - we just need the money to do so and hopefully we will soon have our rainbow.

Patches the Bear Comes for a Visit

Patches the Bear has come for a visit! Patches has gone around Canada and the United States 'patching' up hearts one at a time. I am so happy that he has come and visit me! Patches came just before I left for New Orleans to visit my very good friends (who also happen to be babylost mommas - both of their babies were born with CDH, the same birth defect as MJ). It was a wonderful visit and Patches kept MJ company while we were gone! Here is Patches with MJ's ashes, the teddy bear that was always by his bedside, the figurine made for us by the Midnight Orange, and the beautiful pendant Beckie from Beckie's Infertility Journey sent me.

After we got home, Patches hung out with the portrait we had commissioned after we lost MJ. We never had any pictures of our boys together without MJ intubated until after we lost him. I love this picture of them, it makes me think of how amazing it would have been to have both of them together, healthy and whole.

Patches then hung out a little with Will, MJ's twin in his crib.

The poem on the pillow reads:

You have this twin brother,
He loves you very much,
But you'll never get to see him,
Or feel his gentle touch

He had to go away you see,
Through God's Garden gates,
Though he longs to meet you,
Heaven's where he waits

You have this twin brother,
He's sending you his love,
Although he longs to be with you,
He watches from above,

He grew his Angel wings you see,
Through none of us were ready,
On one of Heaven's clouds he sleeps,
Cuddling his teddy

You have this twin brother,
He'd love to come and play,
But for all eternity
In the sky is where he'll stay

God had a plan you see,
He needs him by his side,
He's shown him how to use his wings
Through Heaven's clouds he glides

You have this twin brother,
And though you are apart,
The love that you feel for him,
Will remain forever in your heart.

I don't think I need to explain what that poem means to me. I don't know who wrote it, it was sent to me.

Patches is now watching over Will as he sleeps. He will be mailed out hopefully tomorrow to his next stop. We have not been able to take MJ's name down off of the wall in their room just yet. We keep saying that we need to, but we have just not yet had it in our hearts to do so. So Patches is watching over Will resting in MJ's name . . . .

Farewll Patches! You will be missed in our household, but we know that you will be busy comforting so many other families in your journey.

New Blog Friday!

Aly over at The Infertility Overachievers has decided to feature me on her New Blog Friday! I love reading her blog and was so excited when she asked if I wanted to be on New Blog Friday. So to all of the people heading over here from there, WELCOME to my blog! I know you read a little bit about me over there, but here you can see more of my life and my sons.

The reason that I started blogging was to document the foundation that we started MJ's name: MJ's Memories. We are a Local Project of Project Sweet Peas and we donate care packages to families with a baby in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, where MJ lived his entire life. This month is actually our One Year Anniversary!!

Slowly but surely this blog became my outlet to everything through my grief. Being a mother to an Angel is not easy. After the funeral, people slowly stop calling and stopping by. The people who you thought were your friends pretend like you don't exist - its almost as if you have a plague. And throughout everything, all you want to do is talk about your baby. We lost MJ a little over a year ago and every day I fight for to validate his life. Every day I find ways to include him in our family. We are a family of four, but people only see three.

So here, on my blog, I can yell and scream and cry and laugh about it all. So thank you for stopping over to check me out, and to everyone who already reads my blog, thank you for allowing me to share my sons with you. They are both a huge part of my life.