A Bad Dream

So last night I had a dream about MJ. Its only the third time I have dreamt about him. The other two were good dreams, this one was not. I dreamt we were at my parents house for the holidays and I suddenly realized that MJ was missing and that he was still in the hospital at Children's Mercy and I hadn't gone and seen him in months, and never called to check on him and see how he was doing. I started crying and I thought I was this horrible mother that left her baby in the NICU and never looked back. I wanted to pick up and go and just leave (my parents house is in Chicago, and Children's Mercy is in Kansas City), but it just wasn't a feasible thing to do. I was crying and crying because I had left MJ for months. I wondered how big he was getting, and how much better he was doing. I remember thinking that when I was able to finally see him, I could probably old him, and he would be so big by now.

And then I woke up, and I realized that the reason I was missing MJ was because he isn't here, he isn't at Children's Mercy, and he never will be again. His ashes rest on my mantle, and thats the closest thing I will ever have to holding him again.

It was a bad dream, and while I think all the time how I love having dreams about my son, I really hope that I never have one like this again.

Christmas Thoughts

So this year I am totally in the Christmas spirit (I guess). We have all of our decorations up, almost all of our presents bought (everytime I think I am done, I think of something else I want to buy!), and this weekend we are baking cookies with my sister. We went a little overboard this year on presents for Will. I think its because in my own way I am trying to make up for last year. We tried our very best last year to pretend as though Christmas wasn't happening. We didn't buy presents, didn't decorate, didn't do anything. So this year, Will has a TON of presents to open on Christmas Day. Our stockings are adorable! I bought them off a lady on Etsy and I just love how they turned out.

So we have our stockings for all of us. I don't really think that I can bear the thought of having MJ's stocking empty on Christmas Day. We bought him an ornament, and we also had a brick engraved for him at our local zoo. But you can't really wrap up a brick that is being laid at the zoo, so all that will be in his stocking will be an ornament. If any other BLM's have any ideas of what else I could have for MJ in his stocking, please let me know! I am really excited about the brick for him, though. It will be laid in front of the Children's Zoo, and it says, "Angel MJ Loved 4 Ever". We already are planning on having Will's 2nd birthday party there, so we will have a nice photo opp. I think it will be really cute. But other then that, that's all I got.

As much as I am actually excited about Christmas this year, I am also not. Its hard, each day, each month, and each year it gets harder, and easier at the same time. I think only another parent of an angel can comprehend that statement.

Anyway, the year is fastly ending, and the emotions are ever changing. Missing my baby, hoping for another one, and raising Will takes a lot of my time! I am excited and scared, sad and happy all at the same time. My emotions are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get!

Friday . . .

We head to the RE for our very first cycle of IUI (intra uterine insemination). Today I had my sonogram to see how many eggs I had and what type of quality they were. I have two eggs that are looking pretty good!! I am SO excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. I am excited at the possibility that we will get pregnant and have our rainbow baby. I am scared that we won't get pregnant and this won't work. We enough money to cover 2-3 cycles. So hopefully in 2-3 months we'll have our answer: yes this works! or no this won't. My doctor is very confident that is will work and this will be the answer. I am not so confident. Not because I don't want to believe it, but because I am so scared it won't work.

The thought is so incredibly elusive to me right now that we could actually become pregnant again. I remember the same thoughts when we were trying the first time, so maybe that means something? Who really knows.

We are supposed to take a pregnancy test on Christmas Eve to see if this IUI worked or not. Honestly, that is probably not going to happen. We'll probably wait until the Monday after to take a test. I can't imagine dealing with the dissapointment on Christmas, so we'll wait. If my period comes, it will be a lot easier to swallow then looking at another negative pregnacy test. I feel like the stupid single line just mocks me every month! (I know, crazy thoughts coming in here! But with all the meds I am on, I deserve it, right?)

We are actually celebrating Christmas this year. Last year, it was all we could do to hold it together. This year, we have our tree up already, have our decorations up, and have our lights up. We ordered stockings from a lady on Etsy, and they should be in by the end of the week. I am really excited about them! I think they are going to turn out super cute. We got one for all of us, me, Willie, Will, and MJ. I'll put pictures up when I get them in! That is really the only thing we are waiting on to complete our Christmas decor. This weekend all I really want to do is relax and bake Christmas cookies! I know, not the best way to lose weight, but I am trying! I keep wavering back and forth between 32 lbs and 33 lbs of weight lost. I seem to be a little stuck! But about 10 days ago, I was stuck at 29 lbs and 30 lbs weight lost, so I guess I am moving forward. I would really LOVE to be at 40 lbs weight lost before our next IUI cycle (if need be). But realistically, its the holidays, and that might just not happen. At work I have three Christmas parties in the next ten days!! Yes THREE!! And we are baking cookies this weekend, and Willie and I are planning a YUMMY Christmas Eve dinner. This I am very excited about. It is going to be a first for us, we are hosting Christmas in Kansas with family! Willie is going to cook prime rib (YUMMY) and we are going to have a delicious, calorie filled dinner. I cannot wait!

I have been going to Jazzercise 4-5 days a week and I just LOVE it. So even if I maintain, or only lose a few more pounds in the next few weeks, I will be happy. I know that I am losing inches and toning my body. My legs are actually starting to look good again! I played college softball and was a catcher, so I used to have these awesome legs that were all muscle. Then my junior year I blew my knee out and gained about 60 pounds over the next five years (including baby weight). So I am down 32 pounds, and really working on getting back to where I was. I would love, love, love to be where I was in college before my knee injury. But the facts are that if that happens, then that means we didn't get pregnant. So while I really want to lose weight and get fit again, I really want to be pregnant too! So I decided that all I can do is eat healthy, keep working out, keep going with fertility treatments and work on my mental state of mind (thank you therapist!). What will happen simply will.*

*Authors note: this is how I feel today, at this very moment. This will probably not be a consistent attitude. I may be sad, happy, or just plain pissed off tomorrow, next week, or even in the next hour. I am working on being a stable, happy person, but losing my son has made me just a bit crazy. (I think every BLM can agree with that!

A Much Needed Break

Whew! It's been awhile since I have posted last! I didn't necesarily mean to, its just something that kind of happened, and something that I think I really needed. Its been pretty busy and emotional all at the same time around here lately and it really helped to be electronically out of it the past month or so. I deactivated my facebook account for the past month, too, and so I have been out of the loop on so many things!

But I needed it, I really did. I didn't realize how much I was hurting, until it all came down on me. With the holidays coming up, and the whole infertilty thing sticking a big pain in my a$$, the break was much needed and much wanted. I started seeing a counselor again, and let me tell you - she is great! She is just the counselor that I need. We are working on a lot of things, and she is helping me to recognize that it really is okay for me to be happy. So I am working on it. Even if I think that 90% is okay, it really isn't. It's not fair to Will or Willie if I am only 90% okay. I need to 100%, and while I am not there yet, someday I will be. And hopefully someday soon.

I started working out again, and I think that has really helped boost my spirits. I didn't realize how much I missed feeling sore and working out, until I got it back. I am doing Jazzercise, and omg, I LOVE it! It's so much fun, and I am going 3-4 times per week. I am sore, I am losing weight (and inches!) and just overall just feeling good about myself again. So far I have lost 32 pounds! Mind you, I started my weight loss way before I started Jazzercise, so I am hoping that this will help me kick up the pace on losing weight.

So . . . . on the infertility front, we just started our first IUI cycle. I am nervous, scared, and hopefull all at the same time. I am on day 3 of my meds, and then next Wednesday I go in to see how many eggies I have and what type of quality they are. Then probably either Dec 11 or Dec 13 we will go in for the actual IUI procedure. I really, really hope that this works. We are paying for everything out of pocket, and so with each cycle brings a bigger hit to our savings account. But it will be worth it, worth every penny if/when I look into my baby's eyes. Hopefully soon . . .