Friday . . .

We head to the RE for our very first cycle of IUI (intra uterine insemination). Today I had my sonogram to see how many eggs I had and what type of quality they were. I have two eggs that are looking pretty good!! I am SO excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. I am excited at the possibility that we will get pregnant and have our rainbow baby. I am scared that we won't get pregnant and this won't work. We enough money to cover 2-3 cycles. So hopefully in 2-3 months we'll have our answer: yes this works! or no this won't. My doctor is very confident that is will work and this will be the answer. I am not so confident. Not because I don't want to believe it, but because I am so scared it won't work.

The thought is so incredibly elusive to me right now that we could actually become pregnant again. I remember the same thoughts when we were trying the first time, so maybe that means something? Who really knows.

We are supposed to take a pregnancy test on Christmas Eve to see if this IUI worked or not. Honestly, that is probably not going to happen. We'll probably wait until the Monday after to take a test. I can't imagine dealing with the dissapointment on Christmas, so we'll wait. If my period comes, it will be a lot easier to swallow then looking at another negative pregnacy test. I feel like the stupid single line just mocks me every month! (I know, crazy thoughts coming in here! But with all the meds I am on, I deserve it, right?)

We are actually celebrating Christmas this year. Last year, it was all we could do to hold it together. This year, we have our tree up already, have our decorations up, and have our lights up. We ordered stockings from a lady on Etsy, and they should be in by the end of the week. I am really excited about them! I think they are going to turn out super cute. We got one for all of us, me, Willie, Will, and MJ. I'll put pictures up when I get them in! That is really the only thing we are waiting on to complete our Christmas decor. This weekend all I really want to do is relax and bake Christmas cookies! I know, not the best way to lose weight, but I am trying! I keep wavering back and forth between 32 lbs and 33 lbs of weight lost. I seem to be a little stuck! But about 10 days ago, I was stuck at 29 lbs and 30 lbs weight lost, so I guess I am moving forward. I would really LOVE to be at 40 lbs weight lost before our next IUI cycle (if need be). But realistically, its the holidays, and that might just not happen. At work I have three Christmas parties in the next ten days!! Yes THREE!! And we are baking cookies this weekend, and Willie and I are planning a YUMMY Christmas Eve dinner. This I am very excited about. It is going to be a first for us, we are hosting Christmas in Kansas with family! Willie is going to cook prime rib (YUMMY) and we are going to have a delicious, calorie filled dinner. I cannot wait!

I have been going to Jazzercise 4-5 days a week and I just LOVE it. So even if I maintain, or only lose a few more pounds in the next few weeks, I will be happy. I know that I am losing inches and toning my body. My legs are actually starting to look good again! I played college softball and was a catcher, so I used to have these awesome legs that were all muscle. Then my junior year I blew my knee out and gained about 60 pounds over the next five years (including baby weight). So I am down 32 pounds, and really working on getting back to where I was. I would love, love, love to be where I was in college before my knee injury. But the facts are that if that happens, then that means we didn't get pregnant. So while I really want to lose weight and get fit again, I really want to be pregnant too! So I decided that all I can do is eat healthy, keep working out, keep going with fertility treatments and work on my mental state of mind (thank you therapist!). What will happen simply will.*

*Authors note: this is how I feel today, at this very moment. This will probably not be a consistent attitude. I may be sad, happy, or just plain pissed off tomorrow, next week, or even in the next hour. I am working on being a stable, happy person, but losing my son has made me just a bit crazy. (I think every BLM can agree with that!