This Sunday

This Sunday marks our first year without MJ. The days and weeks leading up to it have been pretty hard, a lot harder then I thought. I am actually thankful that the past few weeks have been so incredibly busy for me at work, that I haven't really had the time to think of anything but work for awhile. But I know that a crash is coming because I have been putting off my feelings for so long.

We are putting together a Butterflies and Balloons Rememeberance Release on Sunday to help us remember each and every day that MJ was here with us on the Earth. We are using this event as a fundraiser for MJ's Memories, our Project Sweet Peas local project that donates care packages to families with a baby in the NICU. We will release a Butterfly and Balloon on your behalf, if you cannot attend, with your personal message written on the balloon. We will take a photo and send it to you after the release. I know that it will be incredibly beautiful, and incredibly bittersweet for us.

Please let me know if you are interested in getting a butterfly and balloon for your angel.

Hugs,

Butterflies and Balloons Remembrance Release

August 29, 2010 will mark the one year anniversary that MJ became an angel. In his memory we are hosting a fundraiser for MJ's Memories by releasing butterflies and balloons for the Butterflies and Balloons Rememberance Release. All proceeds will be used for funding MJ's Memories, which is a local project of Project Sweet Peas. Our mission is to provide a little touch of comfort for parents of children in the intensive care unites. This project was started by a group of parents who have one thing in common: we have seen how fragile a child's life can be. Through our experience we came together, now it is our turn to give back. We donate care packages to families at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, MO and Stormont Vail Hospital in Topeka, KS. We will also be donating 35 memory boxes to Children's Mercy Hospital for MJ's Angel Day.

For your $10 donation, a butterfly and balloon will be released in honor or memory of your child. You personal message will be written on the balloon, and a photograph will be taken and emailed to you. 

Please consider helping us honor MJ and all of our angels who are gone too soon! Visit www.butterfliesandballoons.com for more information or to purchase your Butterfly and Balloon!

Three Years Ago

I married the greatest man I will ever know. He has been my rock and my strength and I don't know how I could survive without him. I am so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing husband. No matter where I go or what I do, he is always beside me every step of the way. We have had many, many great times together. And we have also endured the worst possible thing to ever happen to someone when almost one year ago our son died.

I look at this picture above and I see two people madly in love with so much hope in their eyes and so much to look forward to. And I don't even know them anymore. We have been through so much we know the depths of heartache and loss, we've been through the worse and it's pretty hard to see the sunlight right now. We are jaded. Our hearts are broken, and the scar will always remain.

One year ago we still had that hope. One year ago both of our sons' were alive and MJ was having a great day. He had been transferred to Children's Mercy Hospital the day before and I was released from KU Med that day. We rushed right over to see MJ and were so happy when we realized that we could bring Will in to see his brother each and every day. This is one of the few complete family photos that we will ever have.

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We have no clue what was ahead, and we were so happy to have our family of four together. You can see that MJ was starting to swell from all of the fluid that he was receiving via iv. Both Will and MJ were exactly six pounds each when they were born, but here is looks like MJ was an eight pound baby. He probably did weigh eight pounds, but he never should have that soon.

Things have been pretty hard for me as of late. I didn't think that they would. I thought the week before their birthday, and their birthday would be hard. But the feelings and emotions that I am having now are so much more intense and harder then I thought that they would be. I feel like I am in limbo and waiting for this crash to happen on August 29 (MJ's Angel Day), like I can't quite be happy, but I shouldn't be an emotional wreck just yet. But I am. I am an emotional wreck, and I don't know what I need or what I want. For example, last week a close friend was talking about how she knew SO many people with twins. And while she included me in that group, it felt so wrong and it hurt so much. You see, all of these twins she was talking about were living breathing, healthy babies. I will never know what its like to juggle two babies at the same time. I will never see my twins side by side. I will never get to laugh about their identical schedules or talk about the crazy bond that my twins have. The only time I held them together was the day that MJ died. I want to be included as a mother of twins, but I don't want to hear about twins. My emotions are so all over the place it's not even funny.

I have another friend that has a 16 month daughter and is due to give birth again in September. I was talking to her the other day and she told me how worried she is about how she will manage two babies. Um, hello? I would kill someone to have two babies. How do I even respond to that?

Sometimes I just feel like the people that I think should be sensitive and should know the right things to say or do are the ones that hurt the most. All I want is for MJ never to be forgotten and he was forgotten by people that have lost their babies and I never expected them to. And that hurts so very bad.

The people that I expect to forget MJ or the people that I expect to say hurtful things, don't necessarily hurt the worst. It's the unexpected that really just cuts me to the core.

And this time, these 35 days are so much harder then I ever thought they would be. I need some compassion, I need some sympathy, and I really just need someone to say, "What your feeling is okay, and normal, and it really, really sucks, and no matter what I love you." I need to know I am not crazy.