Who We Are Today

I've got so much to say, but then again so little to say, as well. Today we took the kids (Will and Maci) to the indoor water park in Kansas City. It was so much fun. So much so that I actually felt guilty for feeling like that. It's been a long time since I've felt guilty for feeling happy. I generally am able to avoid this. But lately its been a different type of happy. The kind of happy that I feel like dreamed of when I found out I was going to become a mother. I love, love, love seeing Will and Maci's faces light up. I love providing the type of childhood that they will remember with fond, happy, and loving memories.

So why do I feel guilty? Is it because I never thought I'd be here after MJ died? Or is it because I swore I'd never be here after MJ died? We were at the water park today and I was trying to imagine what it'd be like with MJ, too. And I couldn't really imagine it. I have no idea what raising twins would be like, yet at the same time I am a mother of twins. I have no idea how different life would be with MJ. Would we live where we live now? Would we have Maci? That's almost a question I can't ask myself. I needed Maci. I needed Maci more than I ever could have thought. If we never have another baby I'm okay with that. And that's only because of the joy and Maci has brought us. I'd like another baby, but I no longer need another baby like I needed Maci.

Our lives revolve around Will and Maci. Their needs, their wants, they are our everything. I guess maybe I am accepting that MJ isn't part of our life in that way anymore? For this reason I am so thankful for MJ's Memories. Without that MJ would really not be a huge part of our life. We are able to keep him in our life through the good we do in his name. Next month or two we'll have donated over 1,000 care packages and memory boxes to NICU families. And its all because of him and the impact he made on our life. We talk/think about MJ's Memories pretty much daily- and that allows us to say him name daily.

This year I'm thinking that I want to have a cake again on his Angel Day. I guess I need to see a cake with him name on it. I'm not sure why I need/want that, but I do. Maybe because their birthday is all about Will. It is not fair to Will to share his birthday with MJ, and so we've chosen to have that day be Will's only. And because of that we'll never have a cake that says 'Happy Birthday in Heaven MJ'. So we can have a cake on his Angel Day. And celebrate his life. All 35 days of it.

So today, who we are is quite different that who we'd ever thought we'd be back on December 8, 2008- the day we found out we were pregnant. And vastly different than who we'd thought we be on January 8, 2009- the day we found out we were having twins. We are raising a twinless twin and a rainbow baby girl. And forever missing our angel in Heaven. But really, all three are involved in our daily lives and shape our days. I love them. I miss him. My children are my world, in three very unique ways.

Fast Forward with the Topeka Chamber

Hello! If you have found your way here via the Fast Forward Topeka Chamber group welcome! We are very excited to be part of the January Inspire Series and look forward to seeing everyone on the 24. Since 2009 we have donated over 900 care packages and memory boxes to families with a baby in the intensive care units. I invite you to find us on Facebook here, or check out our webpage with Project Sweet Peas- our parent organization here.

In July 2009 our family welcomed our identical twin boys, named William Glen and Michael Joseph 'MJ'. MJ was born with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia, or CDH. This occurs when the diaphragm does not fully form, which allows the stomach organs to migrate and grow in the chest cavitity. This severely hinders lung and heart development. MJ fought through three surgeries and held on for 35 days before he passed away in my arms peacefully on August 29, 2009. Shortly after his death, we found Project Sweet Peas and started a division in his memory. We are very thankful for the amazing support of Fast Forward and the Topeka community!

The End of Another Year

When 2009 ended and 2010 came to a start, I remember feeling so devastated that the year that MJ lived and died was ending. It hit me much harder than the holidays, I think mostly because I expected the holidays to be bad, but never expected the start of a new year to be bad. Now, the end of the year and the start of the new one always brings back some of those memories.

It is very hard to believe that 2013 will bring four years since I last held my son. Part of me wishes it was just yesterday and I could jump back into that horrible, smokey grief again. I feel for the most part I am in a really good place, with moments (sometimes lots of moments) of the horrible pain. But that pain makes me feel so close to MJ. For some reason, the worse the pain the more connected I am to MJ. I think that it because I relate the pain to the moment I held him first and last.

I have worked really hard to be where I am at, to be able to provide the emotional stability for Will (MJ's twin) and now Maci. I can truly laugh and I can feel true joy again. There was a time that I never thought that was never going to be possible.

And now a part of me feels guilty that I have been able to move this far forward. Is it too soon? Have I moved forward too fast? Am I betraying MJ by being happy? I think the answer to all of those questions is no, but I guess I can't ever be sure this side of Heaven.

I know I have to let go of the guilt. But part of me feels that I can only push it down for another time, another day when I can really assess my millions of emotions. I feel like I have to. I mean literally right now Will is jumping next to me on the couch and Maci is crawling around on the floor giggling her adorable little head off chasing our dog.

Maci will be one in a few weeks. I am in shock in how fast this year has gone. In a good way. I remember this year. I have beautiful, amazing memories of the first year of my daughter's life. I don't have that with Will- all I can remember is grief. And quite obviously I don't have any memories with MJ beyond 35 days. I have had so many firsts with Maci. A newborn photo shoot at just days old, she never left my side during our entire hospital stay, amazing memories, and an entire year of breastfeeding. I wanted that so badly with my TWINS. I gave up breastfeeding Will at just six months. Emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore. I am so proud that I've been able to get this far.  But again, it just reminds me of what I missed out on when MJ was stolen from me way too soon.

I don't think I'll ever really be able to be 'normal' (whatever that is) again. And that, I have accepted. I am okay with who I am because MJ died. But I'm not okay that MJ died. If that makes sense. Sometimes every moment is bittersweet, and that's okay. Other times I absolutely hate the bittersweet and literally want to to burn in hell. Acceptance is a really funny thing. We bereaved mommas work so hard to get it, then we get it and question the hell out of it. I am sure one day I'll get to the point where I have accepted that I accepted who I am, but till that day comes I guess I'll always be who I am,