Missing Him

As each day passes without MJ, it brings along new feelings, thoughts, and heartaches. I wonder more and more each day what life would be like with identical twin boys. Would they look alike to me? How hard or how easy would it be to tell them apart? Would my heart be filled with joy every single second? (I know the answer to that one - YES). Will brings me so much joy - I can't help but wonder how different it would be with MJ along for the ride, too.

I never thought for one second that I would have to live without MJ. I mean, I thought about it, but I never really grasped the thought until probably a good month after we lost him. It didn't really hit me actually until about three months after we lost him. I didn't really accept it until six months. And now, we have been without him for nine months and four days, and I think I am accepting that I have accepted it. My days are filled with unexplainable highs, and unexplainable lows. One minute I am simply amazed with Will and the joy and love he brings to my heart. And the next minute I am crushed with grief.

And no one wants to talk about MJ anymore. It seems as though people are scared to talk about him. Scared that they will hurt my feelings, or bring back all the pain. The truth is that the pain will never go away, and I think about him constantly. Every sunny day, every rain drop, and everything in between. I think about him. I miss him. I am consumed with grief and missing my baby boy. And honestly, the pain - that raw emotion that brings it all back - it makes me feel closer to my son. I actually like feeling it all over again. Because it means that I haven't forgot, and I haven't let go, and honestly, I never will. The raw pain and the raw emotion are good. It's the kind of pain the cuts you to the core, and physically hurts. It feels like being stabbed over and over again in your stomach. But its good, it means I love him.

But I can go on. I have to go on. I owe it to my husband and my son here on Earth. I have to smile, and I have to live. And that hurts, too. It hurts knowing that I must live with a scar on my heart, one that will never be repaired and will never go away. I have to smile, and laugh, and love, and live. And I will, and I am.

But what I wouldn't give to be this girl again:

This is me the morning my water broke - I was so full of excitement for meeting my boys. I knew, I just knew that MJ would be one of the lucky CDH babies that survive and thrive. I couldn't wait to see both of my boys, and for MJ to have his surgery and come home. We had everything ready: our living was full with two swings, two bouncers, diapers and wipes stockpiled, two cribs in their room, the name Will hung above one, and MJ hung above the other, two of every outfit that we had, two high chairs, two car seats, and one double stroller.

I was ready to become a mother of twins. I still am - just never in the way that I imagined.

It's Hard Not to Get Excited

When so many things are going right and are going to happen in the next few months. Everything with the Pepsi Grant is going to be amazing, I just know it! We should receive the funds sometime this week, along with a package full of goodies from Pepsi. I can't wait for this to happen! Once this does, then we will start ordering all of the things to put in our gift bags - $18,000 worth of stuff!!! We have figured that at absolute minimum, Project Sweet Peas as a whole will be able to donate 600 gift bags with the grant money. Think about this - that means that 600 families will be able to feel the love and comfort that we include in our gift bags! I am SO excited about this! There are so many other things that are the brink of happening with Pepsi - and I want to so badly announce all of them, but I don't want to get too excited and then something fall through. So I am going to simply let them happen and embrace them as they come. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if something falls through. But they are super amazing!!

It is our goal as a Local Project to donate 50 gift bags and 35 Memory Boxes on August 29, 2010. This day marks the one year anniversary that we lost MJ - it is his Angel Day. So what have we planned for MJ's Angel Day? Something so amazing that I just cannot keep my mouth shut about it. We are planning a fundraiser in MJ's honor that day. We are planning a Butterflies and Balloons Rememberance Release. That day we will be releasing Butterflies and Balloons in his memory and for all of the angel babies that are no longer with us. Ten dollars will purchase one butterfly and one balloon to be released. Your presence is not necessary! If you cannot come to the Butterflies and Balloons Rememberance Release, then your butterfly and balloon will be released on  your behalf. A message will be written on each balloon and a photo of the release will be emailed to you! All proceeds benefit MJ's Memories, a local project of Project Sweet Peas. I am so excited about this! For more information on the Butterfly and Balloon Rememberance Release, please email me at megan@projectsweetpeas.com

I think this is the most perfect way to spend MJ's Angel Day. At his service, we released 35 butterflies, one for each day that we had MJ with us. One of the butterflies landed on his twins face just before it flew away. I know that it was my baby boy saying goodbye one last time. I will never forget that moment when I looked down and on Will's cheek, a little butterfly kissed him goodbye. Butterflies will always hold a very special place in my heart now.

We Made it Through

The weekend, we made it through the weekend. I can't believe how fast Will recovered from surgery, it seems as though it never even happened, he barely missed a beat. We had to stay the night at the hospital because he was born at 36 weeks, but I swear it was only three hours post surgery and he was back to his normal self. A little cranky, but overall, just my happy, smiley baby.

Just a few hours after surgery and playing already!

So many things brought back so many memories of MJ. Being in the hospital, eating cafeteria food, waiting to speak with doctors about how the surgery went, all of the wires and such hooked up to one of my babies, so many little things made me think of MJ and our time with him. But they were good memories, ones that made me smile and think of my amazing little boy and how he fought so hard for a shot at life. And Will is so much like his brother! He hated having his blood pressure taken, and when it was taken, it would never work right, just like MJ. The wires attached to his chest were falling off every two minutes, just like MJ. So many little things that Will went through and how he went through it, well, it just made me smile because it shows that my little boys are twins, and are so much alike. I am so thankful for the 35 days we spent with MJ, because we got to know him, and I can look at Will and think, MJ was just like that.

For the first time ever I was able to think of MJ and smile, and appreciate the time we spent with him, instead of feeling my heart rip out.We were able to talk about MJ and smile, instead of cry. We had been having a few really good days, my husband and I.

And yesterday, Mother's Day, wow it was a whole lot harder then I ever thought it was going to be. Since we had been having good days, I thought it would make yesterday easier. I thought I would be able to smile and appreciate the time, the precious time we had with MJ. But that was not the case. Yesterday morning I felt like my heart was ripping out all over again. It seemed as though the entire last week that we spent with MJ went through my mind over and over again, and I broke all over again. The morning was really rough. We cried. A lot.

But we did manage to salvage the day and go on a picnic and then to the zoo. My husband made it a wonderful afternoon for us, and I am so thankful for that. I just wish I had two babies to do this with . . . .