Missing Him

As each day passes without MJ, it brings along new feelings, thoughts, and heartaches. I wonder more and more each day what life would be like with identical twin boys. Would they look alike to me? How hard or how easy would it be to tell them apart? Would my heart be filled with joy every single second? (I know the answer to that one - YES). Will brings me so much joy - I can't help but wonder how different it would be with MJ along for the ride, too.

I never thought for one second that I would have to live without MJ. I mean, I thought about it, but I never really grasped the thought until probably a good month after we lost him. It didn't really hit me actually until about three months after we lost him. I didn't really accept it until six months. And now, we have been without him for nine months and four days, and I think I am accepting that I have accepted it. My days are filled with unexplainable highs, and unexplainable lows. One minute I am simply amazed with Will and the joy and love he brings to my heart. And the next minute I am crushed with grief.

And no one wants to talk about MJ anymore. It seems as though people are scared to talk about him. Scared that they will hurt my feelings, or bring back all the pain. The truth is that the pain will never go away, and I think about him constantly. Every sunny day, every rain drop, and everything in between. I think about him. I miss him. I am consumed with grief and missing my baby boy. And honestly, the pain - that raw emotion that brings it all back - it makes me feel closer to my son. I actually like feeling it all over again. Because it means that I haven't forgot, and I haven't let go, and honestly, I never will. The raw pain and the raw emotion are good. It's the kind of pain the cuts you to the core, and physically hurts. It feels like being stabbed over and over again in your stomach. But its good, it means I love him.

But I can go on. I have to go on. I owe it to my husband and my son here on Earth. I have to smile, and I have to live. And that hurts, too. It hurts knowing that I must live with a scar on my heart, one that will never be repaired and will never go away. I have to smile, and laugh, and love, and live. And I will, and I am.

But what I wouldn't give to be this girl again:

This is me the morning my water broke - I was so full of excitement for meeting my boys. I knew, I just knew that MJ would be one of the lucky CDH babies that survive and thrive. I couldn't wait to see both of my boys, and for MJ to have his surgery and come home. We had everything ready: our living was full with two swings, two bouncers, diapers and wipes stockpiled, two cribs in their room, the name Will hung above one, and MJ hung above the other, two of every outfit that we had, two high chairs, two car seats, and one double stroller.

I was ready to become a mother of twins. I still am - just never in the way that I imagined.