Monday, June 14, 2010

How's Motherhood Treating You?

Today I was asked a very simple question. How's motherhood treating you? As I sit here and ponder the true answer to that question, not the one I gave, I feel as though I have two separate answers to that question. On one hand I am in love with every single minute of it. Will is such a happy baby and brings so much joy and laughter and love into my life. When I am with Will, it's almost as if everything is right in the world and there is no heartache or tears. Almost.

And then I remember. I look at Will, and I know there should be another smiling baby sitting right next to him. I should have two identical babies in my arms to love and hold and cherish. I know that MJ should be able to live his life just as Will does.

So how do I answer that question honestly? How do I explain that sometimes I feel as though I am living two separate lives? In one life I am a happy new mother with an amazing son. In the other life I feel as though my insides are shredded and the pain on knowing my son died in my arms is too overwhelming to bare. I don't think I could ever answer that question truthfully if and when I am asked again.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about twins and why my twins are separated by death. There has been a commercial for Best Buy on lately about sending two identical twins to buy the same thing at different stores. The commercial goes on to reveal that these identical twin women go on to marry two identical twin men. I hate that commercial. It's like every time I see it, I am reminded that my identical boys will never have that bond. They will never dress alike, they will never pretend to be each other, they will never get to stay up late and get in trouble together, there are so many things they will never get to do. It's so unfair. And not just for me, but for each of them. Will will never get to know his brother. He will never remember seeing him alive. He will only have pictures and the memories of his parents. Sometimes I just want to scream WHY?! WHY ME?! WHY MY TWINS?! How on earth did this happen? Why did it have to happen?

This has been a pretty rough past five or six days for me. Sometimes I feel as though nothing can ever be easy for me and Willie. I just want something to go our way. I want something to be easy for us. I don't understand how some people just have so many good things happen to them, and others have this hard and difficult road to follow. I want one thing, just one thing to go our way. We are trying and have been trying for baby number three for quite some time. I had to used the fertility drug chlomid to conceive Will and MJ. I was on the drug for two months, and both times I was able to ovulate. Two weeks ago was my first month on chlomid, and Friday I went in for a follicule scan to see if the chlomid was going to work. It didn't. So now we wait to hear back from my doctor to see what our plan is. He is out of the office until tomorrow, so we are just waiting now. I assume that next month we will try again with chlomid, just double the dosage and hope for the best. I don't know why, but for some reason I have this feeling that it's going to be even harder this time to conceive. I have this feeling that my c-section did a number on my uterus and I just won't be able to conceive without a lot of help. I am scared. I am frustrated.  And I don't understand why yet again, life is only getting harder for us. So many people around me are popping up pregnant, without even trying, or planning for a baby. I just don't know why we can't be one of them. One thing, I really just want one thing to go our way.

However hard things may be in our life, I am always thankful for what I do have: an amazing husband and son, a wonderful family to fall back on for support, and a few close friends to get me through the really rough days. In closing, I found this poem on Rachel's blog and found it very fitting. If you are not a babyloss momma, please know that in no way am I trying to discredit you as a mother. It simply means, to me, that because of what I have endured, I am more thankful for what I do have.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children, I know
that I will be better.

I will be not be better because of genetics, or money or that
I have read more books but because I have struggled and
toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I
have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over
and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the
rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has
given me this insight, this special vision with which
I will look upon my child that my friends will not

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a
child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see
it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it
less lonely. I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-author unknown


Lori said...

So much of this resonated with me...just today I told a good friend that I felt like the rest of my life was a no-win...there are just so, so many situations that don't have an easy button. I'm tired of no-wins. They hurt.

Praying for you as you miss your sweet boy and work toward a brother or sister. I also fretted about getting pregnant again (especially since it took 10 years to do so in the first place) and had all the same worries--it was a REALLY rough c-section, body was different, OB even told me she wasn't worried about my next pregnancy, she was worried about how hard it would be to get pregnant. (Thanks, that's comforting.)

Praying for your success and that your anxiety is relieved some.

Amber said...

Found your blog through my Lori.

There are no words for me to share the depth of sadness I have for you.

You are living what is my worst nightmare. And I am so very very sorry, Megan. I wish more than anything this was not your life. This was not Will's life and that he had his brother beside him as he should.

This is not how it is supposed to be. Twins should not be separated. You are very right and justified in feeling that way.

And I'm sorry to tell you but I think you may have a harder time than most BLM during the grieving process because you have a beautiful living reminder of exactly what MJ would be doing. What he would look like. And you WILL ALWAYS see his shadow behind Will.

And that will make it very hard to stop grieving.

But maybe someday it can be a You will get to see MJ, too? In some way? I don't know. All I am trying to say is how very very sorry I am that you don't get to have them both. It is not fair.