Tuesday, June 29, 2010

It's a Blessing and a Curse

While we were at the CDH Summit this past week, many people asked me if my experience with losing one twin made my grief experience different. I don't really know how to answer that. I don't know any other experience in grief. (And God willing - I won't.) The only way to really sum it up is that it's a blessing and a curse.

It's a blessing because in my grief I have this amazing little boy to make me smile and hug and give kisses to. It's a curse because his every movement, his every smile, his every milestone is a reminder of what I am missing.

It's a blessing because I know what MJ would have looked like. I know what MJ's smile would be. It's a curse because I look at Will and see double. I can literally see MJ sitting right next to him and laughing right along with his brother.

It's a blessing because every time that Will achieves something, I know that MJ would have been right there with him. It's a curse because every time that Will achieves something, I know that MJ would have been right there with him.

It's a blessing because I didn't come home with empty arms. It's a curse because I came home with an empty arm.

It's a blessing because even through my tears and my heartache, I have so much. It's a curse because I know what I am missing, each and every day.

I could go on and on. Every day of my life is bittersweet, a blessing and a curse. People look at me and think that I had a singleton, but I didn't and I don't. I am forever a mother of twins, whether anyone chooses to recognize it or not. I carried two babies in my belly, I birthed two babies, I held two babies, I love two babies, and I had to say goodbye to one of them. I know that I am a mother of twins. To honor my twins, I got another tattoo while in Philadelphia - once you get one, they are addicting!

Will is William Glen Skaggs IV and MJ is for MJ :) I just love it so much, and I whenever I look down at it, I remember my twins.


Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

tattoos are SO addicting. I have a lily on my foot in honor of my Lilly :)

Lisette said...

I love the tattoo, I so want one too.

Jennifer Tenney said...

What a beautiful trip! I would love to have a copy of your husband's presentation because I often talk to parents of CDH angels and I would never in a million years want to cause even one ounce of hurt to them, so I want to know what not to say and what would help. I am participating in the research studies with DHREAMS and Mass General as well. I think it is so important.
Mom to Dakota 12-25-2008
RCDH survivor

Megan B ♥ said...

LOL, what a funny question. How would you know? But yes, I think it makes it different for all the reasons you describe. While Crew was in the NICU after Dex passed away, it was like "I'm so full of hope for Crew and so devastated by the loss of Dex. I'm so at peace, and so tormented. I'm so happy and so sad." Blech!! What a crazy and wild journey this is. It has such blessings and happiness-- and such tragedy.