It's a Blessing and a Curse

While we were at the CDH Summit this past week, many people asked me if my experience with losing one twin made my grief experience different. I don't really know how to answer that. I don't know any other experience in grief. (And God willing - I won't.) The only way to really sum it up is that it's a blessing and a curse.

It's a blessing because in my grief I have this amazing little boy to make me smile and hug and give kisses to. It's a curse because his every movement, his every smile, his every milestone is a reminder of what I am missing.

It's a blessing because I know what MJ would have looked like. I know what MJ's smile would be. It's a curse because I look at Will and see double. I can literally see MJ sitting right next to him and laughing right along with his brother.

It's a blessing because every time that Will achieves something, I know that MJ would have been right there with him. It's a curse because every time that Will achieves something, I know that MJ would have been right there with him.

It's a blessing because I didn't come home with empty arms. It's a curse because I came home with an empty arm.

It's a blessing because even through my tears and my heartache, I have so much. It's a curse because I know what I am missing, each and every day.

I could go on and on. Every day of my life is bittersweet, a blessing and a curse. People look at me and think that I had a singleton, but I didn't and I don't. I am forever a mother of twins, whether anyone chooses to recognize it or not. I carried two babies in my belly, I birthed two babies, I held two babies, I love two babies, and I had to say goodbye to one of them. I know that I am a mother of twins. To honor my twins, I got another tattoo while in Philadelphia - once you get one, they are addicting!

Will is William Glen Skaggs IV and MJ is for MJ :) I just love it so much, and I whenever I look down at it, I remember my twins.