Emotions

This time last year MJ was alive and fighting for his life. He was having an okay day and they were planning on weaning him for the oscillator, or 'jet vent'. This type of ventilator would shake his entire body as it pumped 400 breaths of oxygen in him each minute. I will never forget the sound of that machine or the way his body shook so hard. It was this evening one year ago that MJ started to turn for the worse. He was KU Medical Center and the doctors weren't sure if he would make it through the night. I remember posting on facebook for prayers and thinking I was being dramatic because there was no way that MJ would not live. The next morning the doctors came in and told us that he needed to be transferred to Children's Mercy Hospital so he would be able to go on ECMO if he needed to.

Today I am angry. I am angry that I have not been able to watch MJ grow up for the past year. I am angry that I was not able to celebrate his first birthday with him. I am so, so sad. I don't know how I am going to endure the next 34 days. It's a crazy feeling and an indescribable thought, knowing that one year ago my son was alive and fighting for his life, and this year today I have to look back and know what was ahead.

I am grumpy and irritable, and I sure as hell don't want to be at work. But this is the busiest time of the year for us (I am in college recruitment) and so I have to endure. I have to live and I have to move on. I don't want to and sometimes I don't know how I am going to.

I don't have a picture of MJ from when he was two days old. When he took a turn for the worse, he was moved into an isolation room in hopes that the noise and lights from the other babies around him would help, so the room was always as dark as it could be and we could only whisper when we were with him. I wish I would have snuck one anyway, I wish that I had a picture of him from each and every day that he was alive.

Happy Birthday to both of My Boys!

One year ago today I gave birth to two of the most precious things I have ever laid eyes one. William Glen Skaggs IV was born at 3:26 am and Michael Joseph Skaggs was born at 3:27 am.  I never thought I would have to celebrate their birthday without MJ, but I do and I am. We are having a small party for Will, and keepings things very light and easy. I feel as though at the moment I am seperating my emotions from the day. I can be and I am happy to see Will turn one. But my heart lies with MJ and the devastation of losing him.

I miss MJ so much, and I want him back so bad. Yesterday we spent the day making items for our gift bags for MJ's Memories, our project through Project Sweet Peas that we deliver care packages to families that have a baby in the NICU. We made baby eye masks, isolette name plaques, baby girl hair bows, and memory boxes for families that lose their babies. My mom said it best when she said that we should have been playing with two baby boys yesterday, but since we can't, we can do these things in MJ's name, and keep his memory and life alive. (I'll post some pictures later.)

Today is not has hard as I thought it would be, at least not now. I don't know what the party or tonight will bring.

I will never understand the path that God has chosen for us this side of Heaven, but the one thing that I can do is allow Him to lead us in this crazy thing called grief.

To my sweet, sweet Will: You have brought an incredible amount of smiles into our life the past year, and I don't know where I would be without you. Thank you for being such an incredible son and for brightening so many dark days. I love and appreciate you more then you will ever know.

To my angel MJ: Thank you for blessing us with your life for 35 precious days. There is nothing I want more in life then to be able to watch you grow up. You have changed my entire life and way of being. You have made me a better person and a better mother to your twin brother. I am better for knowing you. I love you with everything that I have.

Another Nightmare Coming True

Today I realized why this past week has been so incredibly hard for me. When I was pregnant and I would think of the possibility that MJ would not make it, I would always wonder I could ever possibly celebrate Will's birthday without MJ. At the time, that was the worst thing for me, probably because I never actually thought that MJ would not survive. I always thought he would be a survivor. I always thought that my son would beat the odds and come home with us. I always imagined two high chairs and two babies covered in birthday cake. When I was pregnant my biggest nightmare was celebrating my twins' birthday with only one of them.

And now its coming true this weekend. 

I keep telling myself to be happy and that we have to make Sunday all about Will. July 25 is Will's Day and August 29 (the day we lost MJ) is MJ's Day. But it is just so hard. Everyone always says that the anticipation is always harder then the actual day, and I really hope that it is the case on Sunday. I hope that I can smile and laugh and celebrate the life that God has allowed me watch grow up. I know that my heart will be heavy and MJ will be on my mind. But I really hope that I can give happiness to the son that is in my arms.