Monday, July 26, 2010

Emotions

This time last year MJ was alive and fighting for his life. He was having an okay day and they were planning on weaning him for the oscillator, or 'jet vent'. This type of ventilator would shake his entire body as it pumped 400 breaths of oxygen in him each minute. I will never forget the sound of that machine or the way his body shook so hard. It was this evening one year ago that MJ started to turn for the worse. He was KU Medical Center and the doctors weren't sure if he would make it through the night. I remember posting on facebook for prayers and thinking I was being dramatic because there was no way that MJ would not live. The next morning the doctors came in and told us that he needed to be transferred to Children's Mercy Hospital so he would be able to go on ECMO if he needed to.

Today I am angry. I am angry that I have not been able to watch MJ grow up for the past year. I am angry that I was not able to celebrate his first birthday with him. I am so, so sad. I don't know how I am going to endure the next 34 days. It's a crazy feeling and an indescribable thought, knowing that one year ago my son was alive and fighting for his life, and this year today I have to look back and know what was ahead.

I am grumpy and irritable, and I sure as hell don't want to be at work. But this is the busiest time of the year for us (I am in college recruitment) and so I have to endure. I have to live and I have to move on. I don't want to and sometimes I don't know how I am going to.

I don't have a picture of MJ from when he was two days old. When he took a turn for the worse, he was moved into an isolation room in hopes that the noise and lights from the other babies around him would help, so the room was always as dark as it could be and we could only whisper when we were with him. I wish I would have snuck one anyway, I wish that I had a picture of him from each and every day that he was alive.

4 comments:

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

Lori said...

I'm so sorry today is so hard for you...I wish you had a picture for every day too...I wish you actually had him with you and not just wanting pictures.

I'm thinking of you.

My life said...

I'm thinking of you during this very hard time.

The very first blog I started following after the loss of my son was Laura's at
http://momentsofpause.blogspot.com/

She an amazing writer and writes about the loss of one of her twin boys Andrew. She is now seven years out from that very hard time and still writes about the moments like it happened yesterday. Thought you might want to connect with another blog mom who knows what it's like to raise only one of her twins. I will pray for peace during these next weeks.


((Hugs))

Mary Anne said...

Hello Megan. Wow. Where do I begin? I came across your website via your post over at Little Green Pastures.

July 25 is a bittersweet day for us as well. 7/25/07 I delivered our identical twin girls, Martha & Meredith. They were 2 months premature, and suffered from twin-to-twin-transfusion-syndrome.

Meredith was born an angel, and Martha spent a month in the nicu, and now is a beautiful 3 year old, with her very own guardian angel.

My heart hurts reading your story. Three years have passed since our girls were born, but those moments are never far from my heart.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope the Lord helps you find peace in your heart. It is such a painful journey, but one worth fighting for.

If you ever want to chat or reach out to someome who can relate to your grief, please e-mail me at mary_anne434@hotmail.com. I would love to be your friend.

please take care,
Mary Anne