Thursday, July 22, 2010

July 25

Three days from now we will have a first birthday party for Will. Three days from now, one year ago I gave birth to two baby boys, Will and MJ. But we only celebrate one of their birthdays. July 25 of each and every year has to be a celebration, and it has to be about Will and only Will. We have to celebrate the life that God has allowed us to see each and every day. And that really just breaks my hearts a little.

I don't really want to celebrate just one of my son's lives. But that is how is has to be. We cannot be sad and cry (although I know I will want to, and I just might) on their birthday. That day has to always be about Will.

But I don't know if I can do it. The days leading up to this Sunday are getting harder, I find myself wanting to cry a little more each day. The tears and the sobs are getting stronger. I try not to really think about it, but it almost seems as though my body knows how sad my heart is, even though my mind tries to veer away from the heartache. The littlest things bring the tears these days. The grief is just all coming back.

It's just not fair. There is really no other way to put it, but it's simply not fair. It's hard, truly hard to know that there is still so much life to live without MJ. Sometimes the thought of it is just so incredibly overwhelming. To know that each and every day is yet another day I have to live without my son. But then again, each and every day is one day closer to when I can see him again.

This weekend is going to be hard, the 35 days after that are going to be hard, knowing that at that time last year, MJ was alive and fighting, and enduring so incredibly much.

Sometimes I just want to shout out to people I AM A MOTHER OF TWINS, MY SON LIVED, HE LIVED, AND HE FOUGHT SO HARD TO LIVE! But some people don't care, and that hurts so much.

For some reason this morning I was think a lot about two family members who choose not to acknowledge MJ. They didn't come to his funeral, they didn't call, and it really just feels like they don't care. And because of what they choose, they will never know Will either. That is a decision that Willie and I made, and I am very glad that we did. But it hurts, it hurts to know that they think of us as a family of three, that they think we only have one son. We are a family of four, and we have two sons. The rest of our lives, no matter how many children we have, MJ will always be included. Any family or friends that choose not to acknowledge both of our sons just can't be apart of our life. Its very plain and simple to us. But it still hurts. But that is our life, forever we will miss MJ, but he will forever be apart of our life.


Tina said...

I too want people to know that I am a mother of twins. Its all just so hard to deal with sometimes. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

Lori said...

Lifting you up...thinking of your sweet family of four!

Laura Ryan said...

Megan~ I do not know you, but Jodie McGinley sent me your blog. I was Walker and Eli's NICU nurse, and since then as much a part of their lives as I can be! I love that family of 4!!! They will never be anything but that!!! DO NOT let small minded people ever hurt you...MJ is your son, he always will be. I am so sorry for your loss, but know you are helping others....through your blog you are helping to educate others about CDH. Both MJ and Will are lucky little boys to have you as their mommy. I think Eli and MJ are Angels together, watching over all of you!!!