Grief Changes You

Today we went to Children's Mercy Hospital to attend a Living with Grief Support Group meeting. It was so nice to be there, especially so close to the boys' birthday. It really is an incredible feeling to be with people who just 'get it'. To be able to talk about MJ and hear their children's story's, and then talk about the day to day struggles that have rocked my world the past year. It's a feeling that I can't really describe, being in a room ful of people that have had to say goodbye to their children incredibly too soon.

Maybe it's being back at the hospital that MJ lived and died, or maybe its going through those emotions and thoughts all over again, or maybe it's just that we are so close to their first birthday, but the whole day today has just been a little harder. The tears come just that much easier and the motivation to do what needs to be done is entirely gone. Today is a down day in this rollercoaster of grief. I suspect there are going to be many down days in the next few weeks as we go through our sons' birthdays and MJ's death day.

Maybe I am too hard on myself and should just live in the moment. But I want to be in a place in my grief where I will feel okay. Not quite good yet, but okay is what I am looking for. Most days are okay, but those days are coming fewer and further between.

It's strange, really. The first months after losing MJ I had no yearnings for feelings other then devastation. And then I started having good days, and the guilt swept in: guild that I could actually live and be happy without my son. And then I started having more good days then bad, and really wanted those good days. The past few days have been pretty hard, and it seems like they will get harder before they will get better. Grief really is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and everything in between.

And it changed me, it changed everything I knew and everything I thought I knew. I realized today how comforting it is to be around people who have walked in your shoes, and know what it feels like to lose a child. I haven't felt that comfortable in a room full of people in over a year. Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable in tragedy then in joy. But don't misunderstand me, there was joy today, we laughed and we remembered our babies, and it was a comforting few hours. We all understood what its like to live your live with a broken heart.

While we were there we donated two memory boxes, one girl and one boy. We are planning on donating 35 at the end of August, one for each day that we were blessed with MJ's life. We wanted to bring two today to make sure that everything in them was okay to include. And everyone there just loved them. It was a good feeling, knowing that we can offer a little bit of comfort during such an incredibly hard time. Here are a few pictures of the memory boxes. They include in them a baby blanket, broken heart pendant with a poem, a wisp of hair bag with a poem, a disposable camera in case the parents don't have one, a baby cap, a stuffed animal, and a picture frame with a little baby angel on it.