Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Time to Grieve

Ecclesiates 3:1, 4
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven . .  a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance

Recently I came aross the book, "When the Will of God is a Bitter Cup" by Dr. Don Woodard. (Thank you Desiree for recommending it!) I put it down a few weeks ago and decided this morning to pick it back up again. I think that I get the most of out a book the second time I read it, especially one on grief.

These past 11 months or so of my life have been filled with weeping and mourning and grieving. I finally feel as thought I am ready to laugh and ready to dance. Ready to enjoy life again. And it's okay to be happy. It's okay to smile and laugh and dance again. And I have to be able to do those things. I cannot miss out on watching Will grow up.

But sometimes I struggle with this. I struggle to know when the time is right to laugh and when the time is right to grieve. Somedays I can be okay and know that it really is okay to be happy. And then the sadness hits me out of nowhere, like when we were getting Will's one year pictures taken two days ago. It hit me when we were reviewing the photos and I thought, wow there should be two this cute. Or today when we were at the grocery store and Will was being fussy so I was carrying him on hip. We ran to the next aisle and got an economy size thing of toilet paper. I had Will on one hip and the toilet paper on the other hip, and I wondered what it would be like to have two babies on my hip. So many little things like that just hit me and then the waves of grief surround me.

So when is the time right to mourn? Or dance? Or weep? Or laugh? I don't think I will ever stop grieving. But I do think that the moments of weeping will be fewer and further in between, and  the moments of laughter and dancing will be longer and my happiness will come back.


Lori said...

I think that the times to do those things are when your heart tells you it's time to do those things...if you have a wonderful and joyful moment, enjoy it and feel the glee in it! If you need a cry or something brushes against you and stings (like imagining what babies on either hip would feel like), indulge in a tear or two. Like you won't ever stop grieving, but there are (thankfully) also moments of joy and laughing and dancing to spread into the I'd just listen to your heart.

Jodie said...

I'm discovering those same emotions. Its taken day by day. With and without one of the twins is a lifelong journey of the what ifs, the what could be, and what it would be like. You and I will forever be better parents for the twin we have and we will long for the twin we lost.

I will be thinking about you in the next coming weeks as we tread these waves together-