It's Hard Not to Get Excited

When so many things are going right and are going to happen in the next few months. Everything with the Pepsi Grant is going to be amazing, I just know it! We should receive the funds sometime this week, along with a package full of goodies from Pepsi. I can't wait for this to happen! Once this does, then we will start ordering all of the things to put in our gift bags - $18,000 worth of stuff!!! We have figured that at absolute minimum, Project Sweet Peas as a whole will be able to donate 600 gift bags with the grant money. Think about this - that means that 600 families will be able to feel the love and comfort that we include in our gift bags! I am SO excited about this! There are so many other things that are the brink of happening with Pepsi - and I want to so badly announce all of them, but I don't want to get too excited and then something fall through. So I am going to simply let them happen and embrace them as they come. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if something falls through. But they are super amazing!!

It is our goal as a Local Project to donate 50 gift bags and 35 Memory Boxes on August 29, 2010. This day marks the one year anniversary that we lost MJ - it is his Angel Day. So what have we planned for MJ's Angel Day? Something so amazing that I just cannot keep my mouth shut about it. We are planning a fundraiser in MJ's honor that day. We are planning a Butterflies and Balloons Rememberance Release. That day we will be releasing Butterflies and Balloons in his memory and for all of the angel babies that are no longer with us. Ten dollars will purchase one butterfly and one balloon to be released. Your presence is not necessary! If you cannot come to the Butterflies and Balloons Rememberance Release, then your butterfly and balloon will be released on  your behalf. A message will be written on each balloon and a photo of the release will be emailed to you! All proceeds benefit MJ's Memories, a local project of Project Sweet Peas. I am so excited about this! For more information on the Butterfly and Balloon Rememberance Release, please email me at megan@projectsweetpeas.com

I think this is the most perfect way to spend MJ's Angel Day. At his service, we released 35 butterflies, one for each day that we had MJ with us. One of the butterflies landed on his twins face just before it flew away. I know that it was my baby boy saying goodbye one last time. I will never forget that moment when I looked down and on Will's cheek, a little butterfly kissed him goodbye. Butterflies will always hold a very special place in my heart now.

We Made it Through

The weekend, we made it through the weekend. I can't believe how fast Will recovered from surgery, it seems as though it never even happened, he barely missed a beat. We had to stay the night at the hospital because he was born at 36 weeks, but I swear it was only three hours post surgery and he was back to his normal self. A little cranky, but overall, just my happy, smiley baby.

Just a few hours after surgery and playing already!

So many things brought back so many memories of MJ. Being in the hospital, eating cafeteria food, waiting to speak with doctors about how the surgery went, all of the wires and such hooked up to one of my babies, so many little things made me think of MJ and our time with him. But they were good memories, ones that made me smile and think of my amazing little boy and how he fought so hard for a shot at life. And Will is so much like his brother! He hated having his blood pressure taken, and when it was taken, it would never work right, just like MJ. The wires attached to his chest were falling off every two minutes, just like MJ. So many little things that Will went through and how he went through it, well, it just made me smile because it shows that my little boys are twins, and are so much alike. I am so thankful for the 35 days we spent with MJ, because we got to know him, and I can look at Will and think, MJ was just like that.

For the first time ever I was able to think of MJ and smile, and appreciate the time we spent with him, instead of feeling my heart rip out.We were able to talk about MJ and smile, instead of cry. We had been having a few really good days, my husband and I.

And yesterday, Mother's Day, wow it was a whole lot harder then I ever thought it was going to be. Since we had been having good days, I thought it would make yesterday easier. I thought I would be able to smile and appreciate the time, the precious time we had with MJ. But that was not the case. Yesterday morning I felt like my heart was ripping out all over again. It seemed as though the entire last week that we spent with MJ went through my mind over and over again, and I broke all over again. The morning was really rough. We cried. A lot.

But we did manage to salvage the day and go on a picnic and then to the zoo. My husband made it a wonderful afternoon for us, and I am so thankful for that. I just wish I had two babies to do this with . . . .

Tomorrow is gonna be hard.

MJ's twin, Will is going to have surgery. It's a minor surgery, and we may not even need to stay in over night. He has a hernia in his groin that needs to be repaired. It's something that he was born with and didn't pop out until a few weeks ago. It should be a piece of cake.

When we saw the pediatrician and he said that Will would need surgery I basically lost it right there in the room. The thought of having to sign for another surgery for one of my babies just crushed me. In MJ's short 35 days, he had three surgeries, and each one got harder. He had one surgery to be hooked up to the ECMO machine (where they actually hook up cannula's to his corotad (sp?) artery to take his blood out of his body, pump it through a machine to oxygenate it, and then pump it back into his body), one surgery to fix his diaphragm and move all of his stomach organs out of his chest cavity, and one surgery to be disconnected from the ECMO machine. I remember signing for MJ's last surgery and walking out of the operating room and just feeling crushed. How on Earth could my little tiny baby endure so much in such a short amount of time? We lost MJ four days after his last surgery.

And not only do we have to go through another surgery, but it's for a hernia. The words hernia and surgery mean horrible things to me. The words hernia, and surgery relating to one of my babies means this to me:

Can you find MJ? He is in the middle behind the bears.

This is the what we walked into each day as we sat by MJ's side, fighting with him. The day before his hernia repair surgery he was placed on this makeshift bed on the operating table. He was 16 days old. The only time he left this table thereafter was to be placed in my arms for me to hold for the first and last time. This is what hernia and surgery mean to me. Somehow, I can't help but blame my own inadequacies for the hernia's in both of my sons. Will is lucky enough to have a hernia in his groin, and MJ had one in his diaphragm. If both of my boys have them, then they must be related, right? And if they are related, then it must be something to do with me and my body.

I don't know if I am right or wrong, but I know that tomorrow as I have to for the fourth time hand my baby over to a doctor so he can operate on him, I'm gonna be a wreck. I hope that tomorrow goes smoothly and we do not have to stay the night. I hope that Will doesn't feel any pain, and that his brother will be right by his side throughout everything. And if you pray, it would mean a whole lot to me if you would think about Will tomorrow morning.