Tomorrow is gonna be hard.

MJ's twin, Will is going to have surgery. It's a minor surgery, and we may not even need to stay in over night. He has a hernia in his groin that needs to be repaired. It's something that he was born with and didn't pop out until a few weeks ago. It should be a piece of cake.

When we saw the pediatrician and he said that Will would need surgery I basically lost it right there in the room. The thought of having to sign for another surgery for one of my babies just crushed me. In MJ's short 35 days, he had three surgeries, and each one got harder. He had one surgery to be hooked up to the ECMO machine (where they actually hook up cannula's to his corotad (sp?) artery to take his blood out of his body, pump it through a machine to oxygenate it, and then pump it back into his body), one surgery to fix his diaphragm and move all of his stomach organs out of his chest cavity, and one surgery to be disconnected from the ECMO machine. I remember signing for MJ's last surgery and walking out of the operating room and just feeling crushed. How on Earth could my little tiny baby endure so much in such a short amount of time? We lost MJ four days after his last surgery.

And not only do we have to go through another surgery, but it's for a hernia. The words hernia and surgery mean horrible things to me. The words hernia, and surgery relating to one of my babies means this to me:

Can you find MJ? He is in the middle behind the bears.

This is the what we walked into each day as we sat by MJ's side, fighting with him. The day before his hernia repair surgery he was placed on this makeshift bed on the operating table. He was 16 days old. The only time he left this table thereafter was to be placed in my arms for me to hold for the first and last time. This is what hernia and surgery mean to me. Somehow, I can't help but blame my own inadequacies for the hernia's in both of my sons. Will is lucky enough to have a hernia in his groin, and MJ had one in his diaphragm. If both of my boys have them, then they must be related, right? And if they are related, then it must be something to do with me and my body.

I don't know if I am right or wrong, but I know that tomorrow as I have to for the fourth time hand my baby over to a doctor so he can operate on him, I'm gonna be a wreck. I hope that tomorrow goes smoothly and we do not have to stay the night. I hope that Will doesn't feel any pain, and that his brother will be right by his side throughout everything. And if you pray, it would mean a whole lot to me if you would think about Will tomorrow morning.