We got Will's nine month pictures taken last night. These moments are always so bittersweet for me. While I love getting those pictures and showing them off, these little milestones are one of the biggest reminders that there should be two little boys in those pictures, not just one.
We always have Will photographed with something of MJ's when we take him to get photos done. It's always hard, but for some reason I thought it would be a little easier this time. Yesterday was the third time we have taken Will for these milestone photos.
This time we brought along one of MJ's teddy bears. . .
Seeing Will play with this teddy bear, it just really got to me. I literally just broke down right at JC Penny. I remember when MJ got this bear. He got it just before his surgery. We got word that his surgery was planned, and so my dad drove down from Chicago with it. I remember so many things about this bear, and seeing Will with it just brought everything back. It's crazy how one minute I can be fawning over Will, excited because he looks just too darn cute getting his picture taken, and then a sweet little moment like the one above happens, and I feel literally as though I am swooshed into the past. I remember walking into the operating room they had set up for MJ overnight. You see, MJ was so critical that they didn't feel as though he could handle being moved to another floor where they do surgeries at. For babies like MJ, the NICU has a makeshift operating room, and the night before his surgery they moved him there. I remember feeling as though we were at the top of the hill, making our way down the hill and on to bringing him home. In mind, if he could survive his surgery, he had already done the hardest part. It never crossed my mind that MJ's battle would be too much for him to overcome.
I wish so badly that Will was playing with MJ, not MJ's teddy bear. Sweet little moments from my sweet little baby: they bring so much heartache. But the heartache is good, the pain is the reminder that it was all real. That I did have two tiny babies, that I am a mother of twins, and that my love for my son transcends death.