Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Butterfly Mommies and a day for Turquoise

Never before did I think I would be a blogger. But after the death of MJ, I stumbled onto the blogging world and have become become not only a fan, but a blogger myself. There are a lot of wonderful resources through blogging and the babyloss blogging world has become a source of great support for me. Butterfly Mommies is one of those outlets and the women their have created a network of mommies with babies in heaven. They are about to start a radio show and have asked the babyloss mommas to help them start out with their first show by answering the following question:

What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)

There are many forms of support that have helped me throughout my journey without my son. After MJ's death I became more and more involved in the congential diaphragmatic hernia (CDH) world and attempted to learn all I could about the horrible birth defect that took my son. I knew that MJ would be born with CDH when I was 21 weeks pregnant. I knew the odds: only 50% of these babies survive. I knew that he would have a hell of a fight. But I also knew that he would make it. I refused to believe anything but, and simply put my faith in God that MJ's story would be on of survival. So I never truly fought to understand what CDH was, and I never thought I would not take my son home with me. Since he died I have wanted nothing more then to figure everything out about CDH, so that I truly understand why and how my son died. Through my yearning for knowledge I have met wonderful, lifelong friends. I have met other mothers that have lost their sons or daughters. I have stepped up and poured my heart out to complete strangers to raise awareness. I have cried, I have laughed, and most of all I have missed my son. Meeting and talking with other parents that have lost their babies helps me understand that I am not alone, and that my son can and will be part of my everyday life. The support that I have received and given is life changing, and in the realm of devastation, I have found beauty in the way that my life has changed in the last seven months since my son died in my arms.

Supporting a grieving mother is very hard, yet very easy at the same time, I feel. The one and only thing that I have left of my son is his memory. I want and I need to be in control of that. His pictures, his name, his things, and so many other things that I have of him, I need to be in control of. I want to be the one to speak his name, so ask me about him. I want to tell the world that my son lived and that he fought hard, so hard for his life, so let me. I want to raise awareness of the awful birth defect that took his precious life, so help me do so. But let me do it on my terms, and the way that I want to. I want to be the one that distributes his pictures, so please don't use them without my permission. Basically, please respect me enough to 'parent' my son's memory and his things. After all, you wouldn't take my son and do what you please with him and his things if he were living? Would you?

I also want to thank the countless people today that have worn turquoise, posted something on their facebook page, remembered MJ, or simply talked about CDH today. I can't even explain to you what that means to me. The single thing that I am most scared about in this world is that MJ will be forgotten. It is my mission in life to ensure that he never will be. He is a part of my daily life, just as much as his surviving twin, Will is. I speak his name daily. I think about him constantly. I look at his pictures all the time. And I thank God every single day for the 35 days we spent with him. So thank you for helping me make this a Day for Turquoise


Anonymous said...

Megan, we have learned so much about life by all that you have done. We also beleived that MJ would live, there was no other choice. We are so proud of you for all the lives you've touched through your blogs and MJ's Memories. Love, Mom and Dad

Kristie said...

I am blown away by this post Megan. Your heart speaks out for so many, and I'm so glad you said that about M.J.'s memories and photos and you have every right to all of those things. He is all yours, and it's only your choice when and how to share these things with others. Good for you for having the courage to say what so many of us think but have a hard time putting words to. It's beautiful, and I just wanted to thank you for it.