Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!! Growing up this was always one of my favorite holidays. I can remember every holiday my family making Irish Soda Bread and celebrating our Irish heritage. Making Irish Soda Bread with my parents and sister's has always been one of my favorite memories. This past weekend my husband and I made Irish Soda Bread at our house with Will. I enjoyed making this new memory with Will, but at the same time, I missed MJ so much. I could see it while we were making the bread: the four of us, with our babies in their high chairs, while we were busy in the kitchen. But one high chair and one baby was missing: MJ. It will always be like that, I suppose. Everything we do, there will always be MJ missing. It doesn't hurt as bad, either that or we are almost used to the pain.

Will has been acting different this week. It almost seems like he misses MJ. We were trying to feed him his dinner on Monday and he just would not stop crying. I was walking around holding him trying to calm him down and we passed by a picture of the four of us by MJ's isolette in the NICU. As soon as he saw it, he stopped crying and grabbed it. He was just looking at it with amazement. The only way he would eat the rest of his dinner was by having that picture in direct eyesite. Then after dinner I sat and cuddled with him on the couch and he reached up at a picture of him and MJ, a big 8 x 10 size photo. He simply put his hand on the picture and just stared, almost like  he was looking at MJ and just missing him. That just made me burst into tears. Out of everything we have been through, the pain and the hurt of us losing MJ, the biggest hurt of all is that Will is going to have to grow up without MJ. That special bond that only twins have, Will no longer has on Earth. It is broken by death.

That same night we were putting Will to bed and our routine consists of bathtime, then I feed Will, while Willie reads to him. Will wanted nothing to do with eating. He was sitting in my lap looking right next to me and laughing. There was nothing right next to me. It seemed as though he was laughing and playing with MJ, like MJ was right there and they were playing together. When Will does thing like that, it makes me think like that special bond isn't broken. And that warms my heart.

Next Tuesday we go to the City Council meeting here in Topeka to accept the proclamation that March 31st is Congential Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Day. The meeting starts at 6 pm and we will accept the proclamation soon after. The City Council meeting is held in the Municipal Courtroom Chambers, and we would love to have all who can come! We will have turquouise ribbons to hand out so that all may wear them on March 31st. I am excited and nervous at the same time. We will accept the award and the mayor ususally asks us to say a few words. I have an idea of what to say, but at the same time I am very nervous. Especially nervous that I will tear up. That just seems to happen all the time, and most of the time it doesn't bother me, but at a very public stage like this is going to be, I want to be able to control my composure. One of my good friends is going to come and take photos, which I am very thankful for!

This weekend we plan on getting a ton of stuff done for our gift bags. April is coming before you know it and that is when we would like to make another donation!


Catherine W said...

Happy Saint Patrick's Day. What a lovely post about your celebrations with Will. I'm so sorry that MJ was missing and that his twin will grow up without his brother, here on earth. I like to think that the bond between twins transcends even death, that nothing can break it. I think that there is still a special link between Will and MJ.
I hope that everything goes well on Tuesday and I'm sure you will do brilliantly. x

With Out My Punkin said...

I have tears streaming down my face. MJ is defiantly with Will and I would agree with you that the bond is not broken. ((HUGS))