Thursday, April 1, 2010

It's a Two Post Kind of Day

So while this month is super exciting about the possibility of Project Sweet Peas winning a $25,000 grant from Pepsi Refresh (please don't forget to vote here!) It still doesn't change the fact that I miss MJ horribly. And it doesn't change the fact that everyday life sometimes just sucks. So here is a little bit about my day.

Tonight I started my master's program. I had actually started when I was pregnant with the boys, and completed one class, but due to preeclampsyia and MJ's diagnosis, I had to drop out after just one class. The way the program that I am in works is a cohort module: you begin the program with the same 12 people you end the program with, taking only one class at a time, one night per week. It's a great program, and since I completed one class last year, I did not need to complete it again this year. So I simply jumped into the program after the first class.

Being the new person entailed everyone chit chatting and small talking with me before class began. I knew what was about to happen. I knew that someone would eventually ask how many kids, if any I have. I sat there, with my hands shaking so bad that I had to clench both of them shut. And them someone asked why I dropped out of the program last year. I said that I had to drop out due to a very difficult pregnancy and I have not been ready to come back until now. I was hoping that no one would ask anymore details then that. But it didn't happen. One of the girls asked what flavor baby I had, just as class was getting started. The only thing I could think to respond was 'It's complicated." It's complicated? Who says that? Apparently I do. It's all I could manage to mutter out. I know that eventually I will talk about it, and I really do like to. I don't want to be known as 'That Girl' before I am ready. I want people to not have all of these preconceived notions of how I am and what I have been through before they know me. Don't get me wrong, I love to talk about MJ, I just like it to be on my terms. I want to be the one to bring it up, not have to explain that I have twins sons, and one of them has died. I hate that. I hate it so much. I just want to be able to not ever have to freak out about the question that so many people ask: "How many kids do you have?"

Thankfully, it was never brought up again. It probably will next week, and that's fine. Maybe I will be more ready next week. As if I will ever be ready to say that yes, my son did actually die.


The Ramirez Family said...

I am so happy that you have been able to go back to school to finish your Master's. You are going to be facing some tough times and questions, but you are doing it! Just seeing you do it gives me the push to want to continue things in my life. I'm so sorry you have to have these feelings and deal with this on top of studying, but it is one gigantic leap in the right direction!!!

Deep Breaths!