It's a Two Post Kind of Day

So while this month is super exciting about the possibility of Project Sweet Peas winning a $25,000 grant from Pepsi Refresh (please don't forget to vote here!) It still doesn't change the fact that I miss MJ horribly. And it doesn't change the fact that everyday life sometimes just sucks. So here is a little bit about my day.

Tonight I started my master's program. I had actually started when I was pregnant with the boys, and completed one class, but due to preeclampsyia and MJ's diagnosis, I had to drop out after just one class. The way the program that I am in works is a cohort module: you begin the program with the same 12 people you end the program with, taking only one class at a time, one night per week. It's a great program, and since I completed one class last year, I did not need to complete it again this year. So I simply jumped into the program after the first class.

Being the new person entailed everyone chit chatting and small talking with me before class began. I knew what was about to happen. I knew that someone would eventually ask how many kids, if any I have. I sat there, with my hands shaking so bad that I had to clench both of them shut. And them someone asked why I dropped out of the program last year. I said that I had to drop out due to a very difficult pregnancy and I have not been ready to come back until now. I was hoping that no one would ask anymore details then that. But it didn't happen. One of the girls asked what flavor baby I had, just as class was getting started. The only thing I could think to respond was 'It's complicated." It's complicated? Who says that? Apparently I do. It's all I could manage to mutter out. I know that eventually I will talk about it, and I really do like to. I don't want to be known as 'That Girl' before I am ready. I want people to not have all of these preconceived notions of how I am and what I have been through before they know me. Don't get me wrong, I love to talk about MJ, I just like it to be on my terms. I want to be the one to bring it up, not have to explain that I have twins sons, and one of them has died. I hate that. I hate it so much. I just want to be able to not ever have to freak out about the question that so many people ask: "How many kids do you have?"

Thankfully, it was never brought up again. It probably will next week, and that's fine. Maybe I will be more ready next week. As if I will ever be ready to say that yes, my son did actually die.