Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance

I know that I have written about this a few times before, but somehow this is just echoing through my mind today. I know that if MJ would have survived he would live a life of great pain. He would have had severe brain damage due to the lack of oxygen his brain received that last day of his life (and the numerous other times that his oxygen stats plunged). He would have more then likely lived with a tracheotomy for several years, he may still have been living in the NICU with no homecoming date in sight. MJ was born with a massive birth defect and simply put, was dealt a pretty shitty deck of cards. I would give anything to have my baby boy back, healthy and whole, with a complete diaphragm and two whole lungs. But that is not my life, and my son is no longer with us.

I remember the exact moment that I hear the song Second Chance by Shinedown. It was just a few weeks after we found out that MJ would be born with CDH. I was driving home from work. Willie was gone that evening at class. I was turning left onto 45th street from Topeka Blvd. I was wearing a white maternity wrap and a brown skirt. I heard that song and put my hand on my belly and just cried. That was the first moment that I thought 'what if he doesn't make it, what if I have to live without my son, how in the hell would I ever do it?' I remember thinking of birthday parties for Will without MJ and so many other things. And then I cried for even thinking that. I felt so guilty that I could even think about MJ not beating CDH.

And then MJ was born, and our worst fears were thrown at us: he would have to be transferred to Children's Mercy, then he would have to be put on ECMO, then he would have to have surgery on ECMO, then maybe he couldn't come off of ECMO, and then it happened: Our son became an Angel.

And then so many times we heard that song, and those lines "Tell my mother, tell my father, I've done the best I can, To make them realize, this is my life, I hope they understand, I'm not angry, I'm just saying, Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance."

And then we started MJ's Memories and we started donating these care packages to families of babies just like MJ. And still, we kept hearing that song over and over again. And then I started thinking, maybe this is his second chance. It's his chance to live in Heaven, pain free, and have us honor his memory every day.

That's what I think anyway. This whole Pepsi Refresh grant has really shown me some amazing things. It has shown me how so many people are so willing to totally get behind us and support us. It shows me how 15 families, each affected by their own tragedy or miracle can come together and not only support one another, but people we haven't even met and most likely won't meet. I am lucky enough to 'know' one of the families that received one of our bags through Facebook :) It shows me how special each one of those 15 children is. Whether they live in heaven, or they live on Earth, each one of them have impacted and will continue to impact thousands of people. And for that I am so grateful. Grateful that my son can live on through so many people, and that so many people care enough to let him.

So thank you so much for voting for us everyday. There are only 16 more voting days left, so please, please, please, continue to vote so that we can keep doing what we are doing. THANK YOU!!

http://www.refresheverything.com/projectsweetpea

On a side note, we just received a wonderful note from the Good Knight Network letting us know that they have pulled together their 2,000 volunteers to vote for Project Sweet Peas!! Let's show them how  much we appreciate their votes by voting for them as well! http://www.refresheverything.com/SuperSafetyProjectAnd