A Little Bit of Normalcy (well, my normalcy)

So this week we've gained a little bit of normalcy back. I've had a normal work week, I've stopped bleeding, and I have already lost 3 pounds of the 20 I want to lose before starting fertility treatments again. And today I started working out again, and this weekend I actually really cleaned my house. The emotions of the past six weeks have kind of left the house pretty unorganized and badly needing a good scrubbing!

It feels good to feel good again. I didn't realize how much the bleeding for three weeks took out of me - mentally and physically.

But is has been pretty hard emotionally. The miscarriage brought back a lot of the emotions of losing MJ. I was surprised, really, how much it reminded me and brought back the memories and emotions of saying goodbye to him again. The D&C wasn't that bad, I actually almost wish that I would have elected to do the D&C initially, rather then wait to miscarry naturally. But I was SO scared of the complications and risk factors of a D&C. Before I went in for the D&C I made sure that if I was the one in a million that would have to have a hysterectomy, that they would save my ovaries, thus saving my eggs. Then I started worrying about how we would afford a surrogate. Yeah, my mind was running on crazy that day. I am so glad it went smoothly.

I have really been focused on enjoying life the past week. Enjoying my husband, enjoying my Will, and really truly trying to appreciate life. But its hard. Today we took Will to the circus and I thought about how we really should be juggling two toddlers, instead of just one. Will was on my lap, and Willie's lap seemed so empty. Wherever we go, MJ is missed, but today seemed so much worse then normal. We enjoyed the circus, we really did, but I just really missed MJ today.

Slowly but surely we are healing and moving forward. The process seems much easier then losing MJ, but it still hurts. I think that when we start TTC again it will bring up a lot of fears. So for now, while we are focused on healing, we really are. But I know grief and I know that the emotions will come back, and probably worse if we are lucky enough to become pregnant again. I feel that I will bring home a rainbow, but I have no idea what kind of timeframe God has planned for us. Whatever it may be, for the moment I am content with that. I want to enjoy and cherish the moments with Will, instead of burrow in my own sorrow. I feel like I missed so much of him as a baby because I was so wrapped up in my own grief, and then I felt it all over again in the middle of the miscarriage saga. But I am ready to heal and ready to 'be there' for each and every moment. And on the note, I am going to help my husband tickle my little monster.

Time for an Update?

So when I started this blog it was originally to document our way of honoring MJ's short life, through what started as a small local project of Project Sweet Peas. Today we are in full force and have donated over 340 care packages to families going through the NICU experience. You can read about what we do here.

Then the blog slowly morphed into my outlet of grief, and it really seemed (and still does!) to give me a way to channel my crazy emotions as I go through this life as a bereaved mother.

Now its slowly starting to morph again, into a blog about my life struggling with infertility, the death of my son, and every day life, really.

So I am wondering if maybe its time for a change or update to a.) my blog design b.) my blog name or c.) both. Anyone have any input? At a time I really wanted for this blog to be solely about my grief and/or MJ. And at a time, it was. And I tried the whole two or three blog thing and that didn't really work. It got overwhelming and then I never updated either of them. I kind of must want a blog about me, and all of me. Including my grief, my struggle with infertility, my family, and my never ending battle with trying to lose weight.

So, if anyone has any input, please let me know! Including new names, if I do decide to rename it. Thank you!

Feeling Better

Well I had the D&C yesterday, and for the most part it was pretty painless, just some cramping after and through today. I am so glad its over and we can really start to actually move forward. I am so glad they knocked me out for it, it was so easy knowing I didn't have to know what was going on.

It just sucks a lot that I had to go through both the awfulness of a miscarriage and go through a D&C in two weeks. I almost wish I would have just said lets do the D&C, and not go through the natural miscarriage, but I was SO scared of the risks. I was so scared I was going to have complications and would it be a nightmare. Thankfully, it all went smoothly and its over, well almost over. I am still bleeding a little bit, but I think thats just from the trauma my uterus went through with the D&C. They said its normal and I am really hoping it will stop today and I can start doing normal things today. Will missed his swim lesson this morning because I couldn't go in the pool, and I really just wanted us all to relax at home today. I want to get back to normal things and have a few months of not worrying about ovulating or worrying what pill or what shot to take when. The few months off will be nice. And then next week I can get back to working out again and I can just focus on losing weight until we start TTC again.

Today I am thankful. Thankful for all that I have, all that I have been through, and thankful for the future filled with hope that one day Willie and I will have the big family full of kids running around just like we dream about.

D&C

Yep, you guessed right, I am having a D&C tomorrow. I have been bleeding for 13 days and this morning it started to get pretty bad again. I emailed my nurse and she called me and said for me to come in immediatly, thinking I may need an emergency D&C. Thankfully, the bleeding slowed down a bit, and we scheduled one for tomorrow morning at 9:30am.

They were going over all of the risks and possible 'worst outcomes' for this, and I just started crying. I am so scared I will be the statistic that gets my uterus ripped, and a hysterectomy will be necessary. They assured me that it was a very small percentage of people that it happens to, and I told her that I felt that I was the reason for statistics like that.

I am overwhelmed and exhausted. Please keep me in your prayers, I'll update more tomorrow, hopefully.

Bad Few Days

The really heavy bleeding started last night and has continued to this morning. I was up at least every hour last night dealing with it and the cramping that has come along with this miscarriage. I decided to take today off of work, I feel like it would have been just way too hard deal with amount of bleeding and the pain from the cramps at work. I thought about it really hard, though. Part of me wants to move forward and simply deal with all of this, but the other part of me wants to fall apart a little.

While falling apart is pretty appealing and all, I am simply sick of feeling sorry for myself. I want to grieve, I want to heal, but I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Thats why a part of me wanted to go to work, but the physical part of this miscarriage would have been WAY to much to deal with. I am laying in bed all day with a towel underneath me in case I can't make it to the bathroom in time when I have a huge gush come (sorry if TMI). It would never have worked at work. So I am happy I am home dealing with losing the last bits of this baby and this pregnancy.

We'll work through it, just like we always do. The emotional pain of this miscarriage cannot compare to losing MJ. Losing MJ was and is the worst loss that a parent can ever deal with. Its a fight each and every day, and I don't anticipate that with this miscarriage. I will always mis this baby, I will always think of this baby, but its just not like losing MJ. We've been through worse, so we know how to handle this. Which is awful, we shouldn't know the pain of losing MJ, nor should we know this pain.

Right now moving forward is at a standstill. I gotta get through the miscarriage first. No matter how hard I want to start moving forward and starting to grieve, I am still in the thick of the pain. I am still losing this baby, and its a painful loss, both emotionally and physically. I am not ready to grieve, I am not ready to move forward. I am hoping soon for closure, which would mean the end of this miscarriage.

The First Time Ever

For the first time that I can remember, by body didn't actually fail me. I started to miscarry today. The cramping is incredibly painful, and the overall experience simply sucks. But in a way I am glad. Only because I don't have to go through a D&C, and maybe, just maybe this will kick off my body agreeing with what nature intends for it to do.

I was utterly convinced for awhile that I was going to have to have a D&C, so I am very glad this will not be the case. I hope the next few days go by fast and we can start to heal.

I should be ten weeks pregnant tomorrow :(

Fustration

So this miscarriage hasn't happened yet. I HATE that I have to just wait for it to happen. If I don't have it by Valentines Day I have to go in for a D&C. I really DON"T want for that to happen. So as much as I don't want it to happen, I really hope that things start to happen quickly. I feel like once we get over this hump, then the healing can begin.

It feels like I am in limbo, in between pregnant and no longer pregnant. Where do I fall? Obviously I am not pregnant, but I still have a pregnancy in me. I am so glad today is Friday and I can have the weekend to relax. (Although I do have to work 2 hours tomorrow.)

I am ready to start the healing and then have a game plan of when we can try again. I totally feel like we are starting over from square one and who knows how long it will take us to get pregnant again. The first time (for Will and MJ) it took us almost a year and a half, this time it took us a year. So maybe we'll get lucky and shoot for six months? Obviously I hope it happens sooner for us, but I have to be realistic here, it probably will be another year or so. I am so not ready for this battle with infertility to start over again. So I guess its a good thing that we have to wait at least two cycles before starting fertility treatments again.

It will give us time to heal and time to prepare ourselves for the next year in our life. Am I ready for another year long battle and monthly disappointment in our quest to build our family? The answer is no, but I will do anything to bring a healthy baby home. There is nothing that I would want more in life then to have a bunch of kids running around me causing chaos. Sometimes it seems as though that dream is fading away with each day. Willie and I have talked about having at least three to four babies to raise here on Earth. With this miscarriage I am so scared that all we will have is Will. MJ will forever be in our hearts, and this baby will forever be missed. When will our happy ending come? Will our happy ending come? I guess I really don't know and all I can do is wait for life to happen and dreams to either come true or fade away.

I'll never know why God has chosen such a hard life for us, I'll never know why two of my babies are in Heaven. I hope and I pray each day that God will bless us with another life; another baby; another miracle for us to love and cherish. But right now I am not really sure if that is in the cards for us. We'll keep trying, we'll spend whatever it takes, and hopefully one day, we'll bring home another healthy baby. . . . .