One More Day

This song pretty much sums up my feelings today. MJ should be seven months old. Instead, he is forever 35 days. And I will forever love him and miss what should be.

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished,
for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset,
maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still,
for one more day with you

First thing I'd do,
is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do,
with one more day with you

One more day
One more time

One more sunset,
maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still,
for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still,
for one more day
Leave me wishing still,
for one more day

By Diamond Rio

Bracelets for Awareness

Just thought I would let everyone know about one of the things that helps fund MJ's Memories. When we first started our project, we knew that we would have to have a way to fund our project. My husband came up with the idea of awareness bracelets - and I totally loved it! We make these bracelets and sell them for $10 each. (Which if you look around is a great price for an awareness bracelet with glass beads!) All of the proceeds benefit MJ's Memories. We have recently sold a lot of bracelets with a baby angel cherub charm, so I thought that having the option to make a charm bracelet was a good idea. So now we have the pregnancy and infant loss bracelet available with charms!! I have a photo of all of the charms available below.

Our Newest Adventure . . . . .

Well first off I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who came to our fundraiser. In spirit and in person! There were a ton of people there and I think that we surprised even the Boston Market staff! It will take 5-6 weeks for us to get our donation check, so we won't know officially how we did until them. But I think it was a success!

Last week we ordered a bunch of stuff off of Oriental Trading Company, and it came in today! The day of the fundraiser, too! We ordered some little stuffed monkeys and teddy bears - which are a perfect size for a isolette! We also ordered some put it together yourself picture frames that I spent some tim putting together tonight! Cute fun ones for baby girls and sports themes for baby boys! I think I am going to have a lot of fun putting them together . .  . . my husband, not so much, LOL Currently he is playing some army game on the PS3. He is a good sport, though. (And I think he actually likes putting stuff like this together!) Probably this weekend we will start putting them all together and getting that kind of stuff ready for the bags. We are spending Saturday at my sister's, so maybe her and her boyfriend will want to help us! We'll see, though! Here is a picture of the frames I put together tonight, and the cute little animals, too!

Overall today was a good day. We got to spend some time with some great friends and raise money for MJ's Memories all at the same time. Then I got to come home and do some artsy craftsy stuff, which is fun, too! The more items that we are able to make 'homemade' the more love that goes into these care packages. I hope that the recipients can feel how much love that we put into the bags. Just thinking that someone who is facing the devastation of having a baby in the NICU - then receiving one of these bags makes me smile. I know that I would have loved one when MJ was in the NICU. We received a few similar items, but nothing to the scale of what we are doing. The blanket that was given to me, I still sleep with every night. It is the blanket that was wrapped around my baby boy as he passed onto Heaven. I am thinking of getting a tattoo of it, actually. I have MJ's feet prints on my back, and would love to get the phrase, "Rest in Peace, My Son" underneath it, with the words looking as though they are resting on the blanket. Here is a picture of my tattoo, and the blanket I am talking about . . . 

My Tattoo For MJ

(with Will looking over my shoulder)

the blanket MJ was wrapped in when he passed into Heaven

Fundraiser Today!

For anyone in Topeka, KS we are having another fundraiser today! Please go to Boston Market tonight for dinner and bring along the 'ticket' I have put up on here. 15% of sales tonight will be donated to our project!!

Funds generated tonight will go towards buying things that will be included in the gift bags that we donate to hospitals as part of our Project Sweet Peas called MJ's Memories. Things that we will purchase include:

Baby Blankets

Disposable Cameras

Hand Lotion

Lip Balm

Travel Size Hand Sanitizer

Journals

Pens

Baby Hats

Booties

Scratch Mittens

Tissue Packs

Children's Books (for young siblings)

Crossword/Sudoku Books (for the parents)

Playing Cards

Stuffed Animals

Picture Frames

Hand/Foot Molds

Baby brush/comb

Gift Cards

Travel Size: lotion, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, toothpaste (for the parents)

For more information on our project, please visit http://www.projectsweetpeas.com/ Thanks!

Oxymoron

Some things in life just make me laugh. Jumbo Shrimp. Dry Ice. Evaporated Milk. Fried Ice Cream. And the list goes on. Some things don't make me laugh. Instead they make me cry. Twinless twin. I am living the life of raising a twinless twin. I will forever be a mommy of twins. But I only have one baby to show for it. This thought used to devastate me. I used to cringe at the very word. I used to be appalled at how people could just say the word twin so casually. I used to never be able to even look at pictures of twins. It just hurt too much. It made me fall apart.

Today I was at Walmart buying ribbon for the blankets that I am making. The very nice lady who measured out the ribbon so I could buy it asked what I was using it for. I told her that I make and donate care packages for families who have a baby in the NICU. And then she asked the question I knew she would: 'Did you have a baby in the NICU?" I knew she would ask and I told her yes my son was. Then she asked how he was doing. And I had to explain it all. Tears were rolling down my cheeck and she was so nice. (I am so glad that there was no one else around!) I mentioned that MJ is a twin and her eyes lit up. She explained to me that she is a mother of twins - boy/girl. I kind of held my breath for a minute, and just waited for that sucker punched feeling in my tummy. But it never came, and I am still surprised. She went on to tell me that her twins can feel pain when one is hurt and told me a few stories of how her twins have that special twin bond.

And then she said something to me that I don't think I will ever forget. She said that she knows that Will must know MJ. She said he must feel MJ and see him and that he always will. She said she knows this because she sees it in her twins. Hearing those words from someone I have never met comforted me so much. I think that all the time. I hope and I pray everyday that Will will know MJ.

Basically what I am trying to say is that hearing her words comforted me, instead of crushed me. Hearing about her twins and how special and unique they are in the past would have broken my heart all over again and ruined my week. Today they comfort. Maybe I my grief is growing up? Maybe I am beginning to feel 'sane' again? Who knows. Tomorrow may be different. Tomorrow I am cry all day. I hate this rollercoaster thing called life after the death of my son.

Signs

So right after I clicked "Publish Post" I heard the song Second Chance by Shinedown. Even before I gave birth I would hear that song and think of MJ. I remember when I was pregnant and hearing it thinking, "what if we lose MJ and saying goodbye is like a second chance for MJ?" I know it's totally crazy and weird, but I really remember thinking that. And then I remember the guilt that would come with thinking that. I would think, "how can you even think for one moment that he won't come home?" You see, we knew when I was pregnant that MJ had CDH. We knew the statistics. (Although I truly thought the Internet was evil and lied). We knew there was a chance he would never come home. And the only time I let that thought enter my head was when I heard that song.

And now, I hear that song and I think of MJ. I know that I have posted those lyrics on here before and spoke about how I think that saying good bye is a second chance for MJ. A chance to be free of tubes and pain. A chance to speak to us from Heaven and a chance to do to live in God's grace.

Well when I heard that song today I know it was MJ. I know he was 'speaking to me'. Even after his death, he continues to amaze me. I love him so much and I miss him terribly.

"That Girl"

Sometimes I am not really sure what to do with this blog. I am not sure if I should keep it sunshine and cheery, because after all, what we are doing we are doing in our son's memory. But at the same time, we are going this because our son is no longer with us. He lost his battle with CDH, he passed away in my arms. We had to make the awful decision to let him go on his own, or hold him while and before he passed. We chose to hold him.

It really hit me today when I was at the bank. We are getting a garage sale going in April (we think) to help fund our gift bags and are starting to sell some stuff on craigslist. Well, today we sold some stuff and I went to the bank to make a deposit. I walked in because I had a few questions and figured it would be easier to ask in person rather then the drive through. Well, I did my business and when I was walking out I saw the guy who helped us set up our checking account. We have a seperate account for MJ's Memories and spoke with him about what the best way to do that was, and in the time we spent with him we talked about MJ and everything that happened with his life and his death. We opened up the account a few months ago, so I didn't think he would remember me (especially because when we opened the account I was in casual clothes and I was on my lunch break today so I was in business clothes.)

Well, he remembered me. He asked how we were doing and I was very surprised at first that he remembered me. Then I sat in my car and it hit me: he probably doesn't open very many checking accounts for people who talk about their dead son. Needless to say that didn't go over well in my brain.

I hate that people remember me in that way. I hate that I am known as 'that girl' I hate the looks of pity. Real or fake. I don't want to be 'that girl'. I want to have both of my sons in my arms. I don't want to have to think about being too sad or mad or angry on this blog. I honestly don't want to have call this MJ's Memories. I would rather call it MJ's . . . . . . something happy and hopeful. Something full of sunshine and smiles. Instead I have one baby in my heart and one baby in my arms. And a half broken heart.

A Busy, Busy Day

Well, Willie and I have enjoyed our three day weekend tremendously! We had a great Valentine's Day together and spent President's Day shopping for MJ's Memories. We decided to hit up all of the dollar stores around Topeka and look for any Valentine's clearance items, and we got a lot of stuff! We found these totally cute picture frames that are red, pink, and purple that are glittery and have hearts all over them. PERFECT for a little baby girl's NICU isolette! They were on sale for $.75 each, so we bought all of them that we could, all in all almost 20. They also had really cute journals on sale for $.50 each, which we also bought as many of as we could.


Then we went to Hobby Lobby (one of my all time favorite places!) and purchased some fleece fabric that was on sale. During some of our previous fundraisers and donation drive we received many full size fleece blankets, which are just too big for our bags. So today we bought some cute baby fleece prints and cut up the big blankets and made some smaller size ones for our bags. We only got four blankets done, but I think they look really great! We have many more blankets to make with all of the material we have, so we will be busy the next few weeks!







For those of you wondering how our friend's infant son, Xavier, is doing here is an update: he is doing fantastic! He is over three pounds and may come home the end of March! They were originally told he would not be home until his due date, which was April 27.

A Few More Fundraisers

So we are planning a few more fundraisers for our bags in the next few months, which we are pretty excited about. Our first fundraiser is going to be next Monday, February 22. We are having a fundraiser night at Boston Market in Topeka, KS. That night Boston Market will donate 15% of their sales (as long as the customer brings the coupon below). We hope that a lot of people will go to Boston Market that night and get some yummy good and help us out!

The other fundraiser that we are planning is a Garage Sale Fundraiser. We have a ton of stuff in our house that we really don't need, so we are going to clean it out and have a garage sale! All of the proceeds from that day will be donated to buy stuff to fill our bags! We are pretty excited about this fundraiser as well. Today we bought a new tv (super nice HD, 47 inch, all that jazz). And we are going to try and sell our old one for a good price. We got our tax return back and figured that we have had a hell of a past six months, and that we deserved to treat ourselves. Neither of us have ever had a new big screen before, so that's what we really wanted. (Actually, Willlie wanted it more, LOL). I really wanted some new kitchen dishes, so that's what my splurge was! We have a lot of other stuff to put in our garage sale and are going to let our friends know that if they want to get anything off of their hands, we will take it! Hopefully they will go well and we can make our bags super awesome!!

We have another fundraiser in the works, but that one is a super huge one that I am going to save for when it happens! Try not to get too excited!

Starting our Second Set of Fifty Bags

So yesterday we started working on making all our items to put in our second set of fifty bags. We have a good amount of stuff left over from the donations we received, but not even close to what we will need for our next set. We have also been buying items every time we go to the store we buy some things, we are slowly replenishing our supplies to be ready for the next time we donate. Our goal is to be donating another 50 bags in April.


Yesterday we worked on our baby eye masks. We finished fifty of them with the help of my mom. We had a great assembly going! It didn't take too long to finish and now they are ready to be donated!

The finished product!

My baby helping! Will is MJ's twin brother.

Will was born without CDH and perfectly healthy.

My husband, Willie, helping!

Nice close up!

Working hard!

You never know where life is gonna take you

It's amazing how things happen. It really is. When we delivered our first bags a few weeks ago, I posted how our friends had delivered their baby, Xavier, 14 weeks too early and was transferred to Children's Mercy. They were the first people to receive a bag donated by MJ's Memories. Xavier is holding his own and slowly growing and doing well.

Well, last night I was contacted by my old college softball coach. I haven't spoke to him since I graduated four years ago. He told me that his daughter was recently born with Spina Bifida and is recovering from surgery at Children's Mercy. That's right, the same hospital MJ was at, the same hospital that we donated our bags to. His daughter, Evie, seems to be doing well and may just come home today or tomorrow, which is amazing! He also told me that him and his wife want to help and get involved and get my old softball team involved! It is so crazy and insane that this happened and by some bizarre twist of fate we are able to contact with my old coach and hopefully donate even more bags.

And it's all because of MJ. Though my son's days was short, it seems as though his life is living on through others. I feel like I can really say and believe that right now. He has made a lasting impression on people I never thought I would speak to again, opened the door to many amazing friendships to form, and has forever changed me. If I could give it all back, I would, so I could have my son. But at the same time, I am forever grateful to him for making so many things happen. I miss MJ so much and I am so glad for the days I spent with him while he was here on this Earth. I now I am so glad that he really is continuing to live on through Project Sweet Peas.

MJ's Video

I am think a lot about my baby boy today and his life. I posted a video that I made for him shortly after we lost him.

Mommy loves and misses you baby!