Thursday, February 18, 2010


Some things in life just make me laugh. Jumbo Shrimp. Dry Ice. Evaporated Milk. Fried Ice Cream. And the list goes on. Some things don't make me laugh. Instead they make me cry. Twinless twin. I am living the life of raising a twinless twin. I will forever be a mommy of twins. But I only have one baby to show for it. This thought used to devastate me. I used to cringe at the very word. I used to be appalled at how people could just say the word twin so casually. I used to never be able to even look at pictures of twins. It just hurt too much. It made me fall apart.

Today I was at Walmart buying ribbon for the blankets that I am making. The very nice lady who measured out the ribbon so I could buy it asked what I was using it for. I told her that I make and donate care packages for families who have a baby in the NICU. And then she asked the question I knew she would: 'Did you have a baby in the NICU?" I knew she would ask and I told her yes my son was. Then she asked how he was doing. And I had to explain it all. Tears were rolling down my cheeck and she was so nice. (I am so glad that there was no one else around!) I mentioned that MJ is a twin and her eyes lit up. She explained to me that she is a mother of twins - boy/girl. I kind of held my breath for a minute, and just waited for that sucker punched feeling in my tummy. But it never came, and I am still surprised. She went on to tell me that her twins can feel pain when one is hurt and told me a few stories of how her twins have that special twin bond.

And then she said something to me that I don't think I will ever forget. She said that she knows that Will must know MJ. She said he must feel MJ and see him and that he always will. She said she knows this because she sees it in her twins. Hearing those words from someone I have never met comforted me so much. I think that all the time. I hope and I pray everyday that Will will know MJ.

Basically what I am trying to say is that hearing her words comforted me, instead of crushed me. Hearing about her twins and how special and unique they are in the past would have broken my heart all over again and ruined my week. Today they comfort. Maybe I my grief is growing up? Maybe I am beginning to feel 'sane' again? Who knows. Tomorrow may be different. Tomorrow I am cry all day. I hate this rollercoaster thing called life after the death of my son.


With Out My Punkin said...

It's a step, you will always have good and bad days. I used to cringe at a lot of things dealing with babies and pregnancies, but as I "grow up in my grief" as you put it (I like that btw) those things don't sting as bad... I think that Will knows he is a twin and MJ is his brother. ((hugs))

Jennifer said...

Hi - I just saw your link on Babyfit (I'm another July mom), and started reading your blog.

I wanted to let you know that I had coworker once who's daughter was a "twinless twin" also. Her twin died in utero less than a week before they were born. When I knew this woman, her daughter was about 3 or 4 years old. And I remember her making comments about how her daughter knew she had a sister, and would say that she could feel and even see her sister with her. She was so young at that point that nobody had ever sat down and explained that she was a twin, and what that meant, but her daughter just knew. I think that lady at Walmart was right - your boys will always have a bond even though they can't see each other anymore.