Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"That Girl"

Sometimes I am not really sure what to do with this blog. I am not sure if I should keep it sunshine and cheery, because after all, what we are doing we are doing in our son's memory. But at the same time, we are going this because our son is no longer with us. He lost his battle with CDH, he passed away in my arms. We had to make the awful decision to let him go on his own, or hold him while and before he passed. We chose to hold him.

It really hit me today when I was at the bank. We are getting a garage sale going in April (we think) to help fund our gift bags and are starting to sell some stuff on craigslist. Well, today we sold some stuff and I went to the bank to make a deposit. I walked in because I had a few questions and figured it would be easier to ask in person rather then the drive through. Well, I did my business and when I was walking out I saw the guy who helped us set up our checking account. We have a seperate account for MJ's Memories and spoke with him about what the best way to do that was, and in the time we spent with him we talked about MJ and everything that happened with his life and his death. We opened up the account a few months ago, so I didn't think he would remember me (especially because when we opened the account I was in casual clothes and I was on my lunch break today so I was in business clothes.)

Well, he remembered me. He asked how we were doing and I was very surprised at first that he remembered me. Then I sat in my car and it hit me: he probably doesn't open very many checking accounts for people who talk about their dead son. Needless to say that didn't go over well in my brain.

I hate that people remember me in that way. I hate that I am known as 'that girl' I hate the looks of pity. Real or fake. I don't want to be 'that girl'. I want to have both of my sons in my arms. I don't want to have to think about being too sad or mad or angry on this blog. I honestly don't want to have call this MJ's Memories. I would rather call it MJ's . . . . . . something happy and hopeful. Something full of sunshine and smiles. Instead I have one baby in my heart and one baby in my arms. And a half broken heart.


Devon said...

i so get this. i hate being *that* girl too. all the time. as much as i miss and love my sons, sometimes i just want to be normal...want to be thought of outside being the mom of two babies that died.